Wednesday, March 31, 2010

chocolate covered sweethearts

An entry from my journal on Monday, March 29th:

Honestly, I didn't really want to go to Y.E.S tonight. I was tired and my English paper was looming on the horizon. But, naturally, I went. When I got there (about 7), the bus wasn't there. In fact, it didn't get there until 7:15...with 27 kids!! The most I can ever remember having. AND one teacher didn't show up. We all gathered around to formulate a plan while the little ones were trapped on the bus. Once assembled and decided, I stepped outside to herd them in :) I saw many faces I recognized, and many I didn't, but I tried to hug them all anyway. We finally got all the girls we were teaching (Mrs. Phyllis and I) into one classroom. We were a little worried also, because our topic was Jesus healing Peter's mother-in-law...WHAT. A total of 2 verses talked about it in the bible. Anyway, the girls all came in and sat down (9 in all). Once the initial excitement of settling in was over, they sat perfectly (almost) still and quiet the WHOLE time! They actually listened!! AND responded. I think I can count on less than one hand the number of times that has happened. Granted, chaos ensued after class, but all during, they were attentive. It was so encouraging. I am often brokenhearted by what I see and hear from the kids, but more than that, I am never sure what they take from the lesson. Nights like this show me that seeds, even tiny ones, have been planted and are growing. And as I looked into their little brown faces with beautifully curled eyelashes, I saw Jesus. Something I would have missed if I had been selfish and not gone.

I'm so glad God teaches me things. That he cares for me enough to gently nudge me into his way and light. And that he wants to show me his face in the faces of those chocolate covered sweethearts.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

I feel like I could get into trouble for this post...

All the more reason to say it right?! (haha).

For a lot of my life I have really struggled with how we, as Christians, know we are right. By "right," I mean that we know that how we do things and are living is the right way. I was talking to a friend of mine tonight who grew up in a Methodist church. I was picking her brain on how she "does things" at her church, and we were discussing our hatred for denominations. The only real difference between how she grew up and how I grew up was music in church (although we didn't get into the nitty gritty details). And what about people who are Islamic? I also have a Catholic friend. What about the way she does things? I have been to a church that only celebrates communion once and a while. What about that? How am I supposed to know that the church that I grew up in has "got it right?" Or any church I might visit?

"But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind." James 1:6
I do not doubt Jesus. I do not doubt God. I do not doubt the Holy Spirit.
What I doubt is humanity. I doubt people's intentions.
For instance, I could put this sentence out there:

This shoe is green.

To some, that sentence affects them in no way at all.
But the first thing I thought of was that "green" reminds me of kids throw up. Gross.
Some might say, oh, cool, I like shoes and green ones even more!
Some might think of green eggs and ham.
And some might think that they hate green because their ex boyfriend's ex girlfriend loved green.

Whatever you might think, it doesn't take away from the fact that the shoe is green. The validity of the sentence is not changed. Regardless, the shoe is green. You see? Humanity is biased; therefore, we all interpret things differently. So, how can I criticize you based on your interpretation? I wrote a post yesterday or some time about contextualization. I think this comes in extremely handy when discussing the "rightness" of things.

This shoe is green.
It's green because my three year old cousin dropped a bucket of paint on it.

Would you agree that that changes things just a little? If anything, it gives more detail as to why the shoe is what it is. Its character. The reason behind it.

I realize there's no clear answer. The bible isn't always clear cut for us. But I just can't help but to think about how radical Jesus seemed to others in his time and many people did not consider him "right." Especially those who were "religious."

Sigh... just ranting again.

Why?

Chapel today got me thinking about why I am a Christian.

The speaker was busy talking about his "God experiences" while discussing how Christianity is all about "seeing the world on a slant." I thought about how much I liked that idea. Of seeing the world not as it is, but how it could be. Because that is who God created me to be. A victim of my own optimism. Seeing things for how they could be. The potential they could so much live up to. This guy was saying how Christianity is like that. It knows no color, race, gender, age, nationality, hair color, past, etc. It only knows things for the future. Seeing someone on the street and knowing (hopefully) they are your brother or sister in Christ. Like seeing the whole world through the eyes of baptism. In water, things always look a little different. People are lighter in weight and if you're in a pool and you look at your arm in the water, it's always a little distorted. That's how Christianity is. Seeing things differently than those sun bathers sittin' on the side.

But as he was talking about his story, I couldn't help but think about why my story is my story. Quite frankly, it's pretty boring compared to some of my friends. I have known people who have had huge, ground breaking stories to tell as to why they came to God. Big interventions, hitting rock bottom, so on so forth. But I've never had that. I've never had a "come to the light" moment. Yet, I fight for Jesus every day. My lifestyle, my everything, is based on one (daily) decision. So, why do I do it? Why have I chosen this life that is often extremely difficult, but what I believe to be always rewarding?

I challenge you to ask yourself the same thing. If you haven't had a devastating experience or don't have a mind-blowing story to tell, why are you a Christian? And even if you have, why did that change things? I don't say this to discourage anyone, I just think is it incredibly important to realize why you, why I, do what we do.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Cultural? or Trans-Cultural?

Today has been a day full of craziness!

First, I am OVERFLOWING with blessing as I received two generous checks in the mail today to go towards my Honduras trip! I AM SO EXCITED! I guarantee you I could go tomorrow and just come back July 11th and be completely OK with that. And if a child happens to crawl into my bag, well then, that's not my problem :)

Secondly, we talked about a very dangerous topic in Missions: Contextualism. This basically means making scripture appropriate to us, now. Taking what "they meant" and making it meaningful today. DANGEROUS. My teacher gave us a sheet of different random scriptures concerning everything from women and silence in church, to a man not wearing woman's clothing (if you want I can give you the scriptures later), and asked us to write "C" if it was strictly cultural or "T" if it was trans-cultural (meaning it still applies to us today and will for all time.) So, I thought, well ok, this will be easy. NOT. The more I read the scriptures he had given, the more I realized that I can't say some things are cultural and some things are meant to apply to us today. Partly because I feel that we have taken some things that are MEANT to be trans-cultural and have made them cultural. And perhaps the same can be said for the other way around. Also because I take things differently than others. e.g. Leviticus 19:28 says "Do not...put tattoo marks on yourself." I would consider this cultural because seeing someone with tattoos doesn't affect my faith and I doubt it affects theirs either. However, to my grandmother, that may be something that is trans-cultural.

Another reason I feel it is dangerous is because people, of all faiths, have the tendency to amputate a scripture from its context and say it means something. Romans was a letter that Paul wrote, as were the Corinthians. Would it make sense if I wrote you a letter for you to take out one sentence and put more emphasis on it? Say I wrote you a letter like this:

Hello there So and So! I hope you're doing great today! I flew a kite today. It was blue and yellow with red dots on it. The wind was really strong and it was really difficult to hold onto the string. Then! The kite flew away because of the strong wind. You shouldn't fly a kite! Haha. Love, Allison.

Now, say you took that letter I wrote you and all you got from it was that "You shouldn't fly a kite," without reading into anything else I said. That wouldn't make sense. Not only is that silly, but you are taking the sentence out of context to mean something it doesn't.

The devil, I am certain, uses this to his advantage. For a brief moment in class, I thought, well, if everything is contextual and we make scripture mean something to us today, then really nothing is worth living by except for maybe one or two verses that are always the same (Deut. 6:5) That is the danger in contextualization. I'm not trying to say it's all bad or all good, but it needs to be done CAREFULLY.

Phew!

Sunday, March 28, 2010





Let's play the metal music slow
Leave the car on the highway and go
Nobody needs to know another universe
Make a distance between us and them
Lonely, lonely never us again
A galaxy to explore
Don't wanna return to a world at war
From the galaxy of blues to a universe we choose




Saturday, March 27, 2010

Once again, God has more than filled me up.
Once again, He has insanely and obviously answered my very exact plea.
Once again, I am assured that HE is ALL I need.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Wait.

"Waiting on me means directing your attention to Me in hopeful anticipation of what I will do.
It entails trusting Me with ever fiber of your being, instead of trying to figure things out yourself.
Waiting on Me is the way I designed you to live: all day, every day.
I created you to stay conscious of Me as you go about your daily duties.
I have promised many blessings to those who wait on Me: renewed strength, living above one's circumstances, resurgence of hope, awareness of My continual Presence.
Waiting on Me enables you to glorify Me by living in deep dependence on Me, ready to do My will.
It also helps you to enjoy Me; in My Presence is fullness of Joy."

"I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!” The Lord is good to those who depend on him, to those who search for him. So it is good to wait quietly for salvation from the Lord." Lamentations 3:24-26

"but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31

"You have made known* to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand." Psalm 16:11; *also, You will make.

-all from Jesus Calling, March 26th, 2010.



"Wait, my child."

Thursday, March 25, 2010

There's one little girl at school is particularly troublesome. It's unusual if she doesn't get in trouble at least 3 times a day, often times landing her in the hallway. Yesterday, she even got sent inside to my boss. Today was no exception. We had gotten on to her so many times that I was at the point of utter frustration. What do you do with a child who gets in trouble non-stop and no punishment seems to affect her whatsoever? I've felt all along that something is going on at home that we don't know about. That's generally the case, and there are some facts that definitely prove this true for her. She had been sent in the hall once already and told to write an apology note and how she would do better. She wrote it, brought it in, went to playing, and started throwing Legos again. Again, she was sent into the hall, this time on the verge of tears after she stuck her tongue out at my co-worker. However, she is a theatrical cryer, so at this point it's difficult for us to read anything into her tears. There was literally nothing else to do, so I did the only thing I know how to do. I sat "criss-cross apple sauce" and I talked to her.

I told her that I didn't want to get her in trouble, I just wanted to find out what was going on. I explained to her that no one likes getting her in trouble, despite what she may think, and I know she doesn't like it either. Besides that, she often drags another little girl into trouble with her. She sat there just looking at me, and I could tell that she was quickly formulating a lie; always her line of defense. I caught her in the midst of it and pleaded with her to tell the truth. After a minute or two, she began to talk about how it was really hard for her to be good. Telling a lie comes easily to her and she does bad things because it makes her (one) friend laugh. Basically, this little girl is starving for people to like her. She will lie, break rules, and do whatever it takes to get even one person to notice her. My heart hurt. I looked her straight in the eye and told her that I thought she was a sweet little girl and that I liked her very much. I don't like seeing her get in trouble, and I don't want to do it anymore. She sat there, just blinking, until I told her that I liked her very much. And then, suddenly, her eyes welled up with tears. It was as if she had never heard or believed that someone could like her. I hugged her and told her I would be watching and waiting for her to prove that she can do better because I know she can.

Please show someone how much you care for them today. I can't beg you enough. I NEVER want to have another conversation with a child who cries because someone actually likes her.

In Between

I think the most difficult thing about maintaining a relationship is the "in-between" time.

When things are bad, it's easy to put work into the relationship because you want to keep it (hopefully). And in cases when things are bad only for one person, it becomes a way of life to rely on the other member of the relationship to stay strong.

When things are good, it's like nothing can touch it. You live on cloud nine, and all seems right with the world. Thanksgiving, love, and cheerfulness all around!

But when things are "in-between," keeping up can be difficult. Things aren't particularly great, but they aren't bad either. They just kinda...are. I think that's when the fiber of any relationship is shown. If it falls apart then, it never really was to begin with.

This seems to be a huge and dangerous trap. Especially in a relationship with God. Let's be honest. More times than not, things are "in-between." I think it's really difficult for me personally to be always cheery about things. Obviously I am ridiculously blessed due to God's grace and am forever grateful and blown away by it, but that's hard to remember sometimes. (A slight unfortunate that comes from living in America, I think, but I won't get into that...) When sorrow strikes, isn't it always God to whom I go running?
But what about the days where the worse that happens is a hole in my rain boot?
What about the days that aren't filled with exciting adventures and findings?
I find myself sometimes being more thankful for the good, peaceful days. Like God decided to gift me with that today. That today, he is definitely working. So is he not the other days? Of course he is, it's just nothing hugely significant happened for me to recognize it.
And that's scary. Because that's not faith.

I've always said that if I can be silent with you, you are close to me. I'm good at talking. I can handle awkward talking situations and can make small talk, but I honestly don't desire to be that way. I much prefer to sit back and take things in. To think, and talk later. But there are only a very few people, 3 in fact, that I can be that way with. It means I am comfortable with you. I don't feel the need to keep up the facade so that you won't think something's wrong, or I'm weird and whatnot. And although those times are rare, they are the most precious to me. I can't explain how being able to say nothing makes me feel extremely close to people.
That's how I want my relationship with God to be.
So comfortable that I can be silent (figuratively speaking).
That I don't need things to either be really bad or really good to feel like there's something there.
Because I truly believe that God IS with me always, even when I don't recognize it. I truly believe that He wants me to be able to rest in Him, to be comfortable enough to be silent with him.

Granted every relationship takes work on BOTH sides, but the crazy thing is, He always works. Even when I haven't, didn't, and don't. He has, did, and does.
Makes the work a little more worth it, don't ya think?

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

FIRE

I could NOT focus. So I decided, yet again, to do what I always do. Write :)

Sunday, March 21st.
It was raining outside. The kind of rain that I LOVE. Enough to renew, refresh, and wash off my car, haha. But not enough to make a mess of things, and not too little that it doesn't count. The kind of rain that makes anything but taking a nap seem ridiculous. I just wanted to read, so I read the story I've been reading a lot lately: the story of Moses and the burning bush. Moses was minding his own business, tending the flocks, when he saw this bush. I get the idea that it's not one of those nice cookie-cutter bushes that are found in many yards across Nashville. He was in the desert, so I picture this big, burly, messy, un-attented-to bush. And since he was in the desert, it probably wasn't green and full of leaves with little creatures. It was probably really brittle and dry, lacking fertility. ALSO making it much quicker and easier to burn. So anyway. this big bush was on fire. I wonder what was going through Moses's mind when he saw it besides what the Scriptures tell us. I would be wondering how the thing even caught on fire and maybe why nothing else was on fire. But I don't think I would go take a closer look. Nonetheless, Moses was like, hey, I'm gunna go check that out (my words, not his.) As he got closer, he realized that this bush was not burning. Not at all. It probably wasn't even looking any darker. Maybe it didn't even smell like fire! And then, God SPOKE to him. Out loud. He needed to take off those sandals that, little did he know, would later become such a fashion statement because he was on HOLY GROUND.
The bush was on fire.
The bush did not burn.
God was in the bush.
God showed himself to Moses in the form of fire.
I spend a lot of time painting a picture of a loving, compassionate, wonderful, precious Savior. Yes, all those adjectives, although not good enough, describe Him. But more than that, God is powerful, massive, consuming, and destructive like fire. God could have shown himself to Moses any way that he wanted to, and He chose fire. Maybe to show the seriousness of the task he was about to give Moses, and maybe just to show his sovereignty.
God is powerful in that he had "surely seen the oppression of his people."
God is massive in that he carefully and intricately designs a plan for each and every one of his children if they choose a better life in him.
God is consuming in that that bush had no choice. Although it didn't burn up, it was CONSUMED with the presence of God. It could not escape it, even if it tried, and we can't either.
And God is destructive in that he takes a hold of the wretched, miserable, lonely, lost people we all once were and creates new life.


"Since we are receiving a Kingdom that is unshakable, let us be thankful and please God by worshiping him with holy fear and awe.
For our God is a consuming fire."
Hebrews 12:29


and he is not to be underestimated.

Wait

The only way I know how to explain this feeling I've been having is a feeling of preparation.
You know how when you're about to go on a trip you do things to get ready?
Physical things like saving money, buying clothes and/or resources, planning your schedule and excitedly thinking about all you will do.
And there's always a mental process that goes along with it. Like, if you have a bad day, all you have to think about is said trip in the future and your spirits are lifted.
Maybe it's a trip home, or a vacation.
All you think about, all you talk about, and all you want to do.
It's always there. Like a fly to honey, it always comes back.
The knowledge that you're going to experience something different soon is always in the back of your mind.

That's how I feel. Like every day, I'm preparing for something; some trip, some journey, some something.
But I have no idea what.
And since this is my blog and I can say what I want...
I'm not even sure I'll be doing what I planned on doing next year.
In other words, this is big. A big journey.
I don't know how else to explain it. And I have talked about it a lot with God.
What on earth is going on?! Is this real? How will I know?
That's all I can think to say. And what I get in return:
Wait, my child.

And whenever I come across whatever it is I'm supposed to come across, I already know I will do it.
Strange, right? I have no idea what I'm supposed to do, but I know I will do it.
Because I feel a peace about this unlike anything I have ever felt.
I have never felt so sure about something in my life.
I also know that whatever it is, it's going to cost me a lot.
Personally, emotionally, physically; maybe all of the above.
And yet; I will do it.



I wish there was someone that could understand this feeling.
Or at least not think I'm crazy.


"Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan as I wait for hope to come for me..."

Monday, March 22, 2010

Have you ever felt so alone that you really cannot find words for it? No pretty adjectives or fluffy descriptions suffice.
I'm not talking about being lonely. Although more times than not loneliness comes with being alone, but not always, and not in this case.
I mean the gut feeling that you are meant for something else. That no one around you can understand. Not necessarily because they are incapable, but because you can't find the words. You try and you try to explain what your heart is feeling, NOT your head, and yet...nothing. And even if you could, it's not something people want to talk about. One of those things you aren't sure you really understand either.
You just know you have to do this thing. And you will.
Because you also know...it's not up to you anymore...
I don't think I made sense.
I'll write (better) later.
Days when this feeling is stronger than normal, these kiddos help cheer me up.



My precious Hannah


Hayes and Garrett...a.k.a. TROUBLE


please note how tall Prisca is...she is below also haha

they never get along!! Randall and Garrett




future couple...Madeline and Scott




HAHA I told Amelia to make a funny face and she gave me this sassy look and said "ohkay?!"





We're Gunna Make it.





"Now all glory to God who is able, through His mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think." Ephesians 3:20

Sunday, March 21, 2010

You Say It




Michael: "Kimmy says, If you love someone...you say it. You say it. Right then, out loud. Otherwise... The moment just..."
Julia: "Passes you by..."
Michael: "Passes you by."




Favorite Movie of all time.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xaVLbk_3UeU

Saturday, March 20, 2010

La La La

I don't usually do two posts in one day, but some days just call for it.

This is what my house was like tonight. Eight people crammed around a table originally meant for 4. Bliss. It was good to be home. Remembering the scents, how difficult it is to walk in the kitchen without inevitably bumping into someone else. Eating more food than I need. And dancing in the car with my Mini Me on the way to Blockbuster, windows down, music blaring, in order to get Hercules and Snow Caps.
Sweet Jesus, hold me. Thank you for the immense and incomprehensible things you have blessed me with. Help me to see your Light, to be willing and not willful, and to NEVER compromise.

I truly do love y'all. :)

Lukewarm

My heart is so full it feels like it must be sagging.
I am sitting here on my nice, soft, light green couch with my nice, and expensive, laptop on my lap. I'm watching the Vols play basketball, who are winning by the way, on a flat screen TV. The sun is shining through the window in the ceiling, providing just enough light to my air conditioned house. I have enjoyed a GLORIOUS week of little to no responsibility away from school, and tonight I will be enjoying the company of my big family over a huge and filling meal that I don't have to worry about having.
And sometimes I am so befuddled, because there really is no other word, as to WHY, WHY I have all this. Why did God bless me SO MUCH when there are soo many people, ten minutes down the road or across the world, who wouldn't know what to do with even an ounce of what I have. But I will never be made to believe that God loves me more than "those people.'' I will never be made to believe that the poor have done something to deserve what they don't have. Because that would mean that I would have had to do something to deserve what I have and I KNOW that's not the case.

The only solution here is to STOP CARING.
Katie Davis helps me think a lot, and as she pointed out, life's not about avoiding the storms, it's about learning to dance in the rain. I am trying so hard not to become angry with this post as I furiously type away with fire in my fingertips.
Because I CARE so much about being comfortable, someone else, specifically a child, has been UNCOMFORTABLE their whole life.
Because I CARE so much about what other people think of me when I love with my whole heart, a broken, unloved child could DIE when all they needed was a caring touch.
People. LUKEWARM WILL NEVER DO.
I don't believe in helping at arms length. Granted, I don't do NEAR as much as I should to help others and I will always be the first to tell you that, but what is all this about giving money but not being willing to be involved? Presents CANNOT, and will never be, substituted for presence. Money does not and will never heal a broken heart.
I believe, with all my heart, that Jesus has called me to be a part of Him.
This doesn't mean that I can give him the parts that I want while selfishly making myself comfortable in the parts that would be crazy to give up. He will spit me out.
How can we be so complacent?! How can I honestly be content with sitting in church on Sundays and giving a few dollars and then slandering my brothers and sisters the very same day! How can I have my heart broken for the babies who are DYING from completely preventable diseases and then yell at my sister 15 minutes later?!
I CAN'T.
"So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth."
Revelation 3:16

I don't want to tell Jesus, on that unimaginable day when I GET to see Him face to face, that I was too comfortable to help Him.
Stop. Being. So. Complacent.

"I want to BLAZE with You."


I found God today in that: lukewarm will NEVER do.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Compassion

Let me try to express something to y'all. Simply saying I am compassionate is not good enough.

When I was young, I used to pray every night for my baby dolls to turn into real babies when I woke up in the morning. I KNEW God would do that for me (wish I had such blind faith as that sometimes...) And every morning, when they sat on their shelves in all their plastic glory, I would lay in bed and CRY. I wanted SO badly for those baby dolls to be real because I knew I would take such good care of them (or so I thought, hah).

In the same manner, I would sleep with anywhere from 5-7 stuffed animals/dolls a night. And no, they could never be stuffed under the covers with me, or thrown around. They were very carefully tucked in, right beside me, because if not they would suffocate. Duh. I would kiss each and every one goodnight before I would drift to sleep.

As I grew older, I no longer tucked my stuff animals in bed with me, thank goodness, but I became a bit of a hoarder. (This is where this already embarrassing confession time grows worse.) When my mom would force me to FINALLY clean my room, I could not bring it in my heart to get rid of old toys or stuffed animals because I FELT BAD. Yes. You read correctly. I FELT BAD for INANIMATE objects full of stuffing that I hadn't played with in YEARS. Simply because they had been so unloved, untouched, and un-played with for who knows how long. Nevermind the logic of giving them away so that another little girl could ACTUALLY play with them. No, no.

And this trait carried on into my teen and now adult? years. That compassion that was evident when I was so young is the same compassion that makes me blubber at a funeral of a lady I never once laid eyes on (true story). The same compassion that turns into fury when I see Jesus in the face of a child who is neglected, but given all the coolest clothes and toys. But I have to believe that Jesus knows and FEELS this very same compassion for ME. And for EVERY child, father, mother, sister, brother, daughter, and son on this planet.

I say all that to say that you can imagine that lukewarm-ness does not set well with me. Although, personally, lukewarm has different connotations in my life. Feeding one child isn't good enough for me. I want a thousand. Selling one pair of shoes, or even 5, is not good enough for me. I want to sell hundreds. And some people tell me to reign this in. "You aren't cut out [for what you want to do]." "You're being unrealistic." "You can't save the world." No, you're right, I can't. Because Jesus, thankfully, took that load off my shoulders, and I don't want to in any way over step my boundaries there, but I can't sleep at night being lukewarm.

That brings me, as it should, right back to Jesus.
He raised Lazarus FROM THE DEAD. He fed 5,000 people with so little. He healed, loved, and reached out to everyone. His heart broke for those he could and couldn't reach. And he touched the untouchable; physically and emotionally. Don't you think people probably told him that he needed to reign it in? That feeling that much compassion for people would never do him any good, especially when they don't seem to care? That maybe, he wasn't cut out for that?
The point is, HE DID IT.
Yes, He did the seemingly impossible when he fed 5,000 men, not including women and their babies, with what would be enough for two of us Americans, if that.
But those people would be hungry again.
YES, he raised Lazarus from the dead! When his family was weeping and had lost hope.
But Lazarus would eventually die.
He healed, loved, and touched SO many.
Who would eventually be sick again, hate their brother, and sin against Him.

Wouldn't that get discouraging? Why do it? Wouldn't it be so tough to feel like you can't reach who you want to reach, and that when you do, they could turn away?

I don't want to miss Jesus's point. I think it is partly in his healing, but I also think it is in the underlying meaning of his actions. Those people would be hungry again, die (again), and be sick again. But he DID IT ANYWAY. With no hesitation.
It's not about if I feel like I am "cut out for it," it's about DOING IT ANYWAY.
Because if I call myself a Christian, it is expected of me regardless.

It's just a matter of forcing my compassion to go in the right direction ;)



I found God today in: never-ending, radical, unrelenting, COMPASSION.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

I am Responsible.

How do I even begin to say what I feel in my heart...

A little over a year ago today, I made the decision to go to Lipscomb University. The forms, paperwork, money, and housing, were sent and set up for a totally different college. But something, for some reason, turned my face towards Lipscomb. Not because of the boyfriend I had at the time, although some felt that way, and I even attributed it to that at one point, and not because of any other reason I could conjure up. In fact, I had GUARANTEED myself that I would NOT go to Lipscomb. But something in me knew I needed to go there. God was with me, beginning his chiseling.

Last summer proved to be the toughest. Lots of situations landed me wanting to be anywhere other than where I was. Especially going to Lipscomb. But God was there, and he had bigger and better plans for me, although my eyes were so blinded from them. A few months into things, and I wanted to be a missionary. I had NEVER had this thought before and if I had, it was of how tough that would be and how much I DIDN'T want that. After all, the 2.5 kids, big house, and high-paying job was already laid out for me, and why I was at college. God was with me, and He had other plans. And that's why I had come to Lipscomb.

Time passed, and the confusing dream and feeling grew dimmer. I had almost talked myself out of it, convincing myself that that was way too difficult. I could NOT handle being around children and people that were sick, dying, hurting, and maybe did not even WANT to know Jesus. That is way too much. I needed to leave that to people who have thicker skin than me. People who don't have quite so much to sacrifice (I know, right.) Because that's what it came down to for me. My parents, the ones who I am just now learning to have a relationship with, will not approve. They will be mad, upset, and quite frankly refuse this. That means I'll have to give up my friends and those around me that I love. I wouldn't be able to even TALK to them maybe. And no more Dr. Pepper. That's just too much. Right? This selfish thought of satan attempted to trample God's ever present whisper of otherwise.

And here I sit, March 18th, sure of NOTHING. Maybe it's because of how much I have read Katie Davis's blog. Maybe it's all the trip planning for Honduras that I'm currently doing. Maybe I'm going crazy? But God's whisper is no longer a whisper. Because even if I don't act God's whisper out, it does NOT go away. Even if, all my live-long years, I choose not to live the life God wants for me, it will ALWAYS be there. An ever-present and lost desire.
I sat in my bathroom, heart pounding, questioning God. Are you SURE? Is this REALLY you talking, or am I just envisioning an unrealistic mission field? Me? Really? You know the length of my patience. It ended yesterday. You know how tender my heart is. You know how much I mess up. You know how little I rely on you sometimes, and how irritatingly independent I can be. You know how long it takes me to learn some things, and how much I should keep my mouth shut sometimes. You KNOW how much I hurt for children and people I do not even know. WHY ME.
"I know the plans I have for you..." Jeremiah 29:11
And over and over in my head, all I could think about was Moses. Moses questioned God 5 times in Exodus 3 and 4. Is he nuts?! He kept protesting. I'm not good enough! I don't speak like some of other people I've heard! I've never won a contest with my writings. I've never saved anyone's life, in fact I TOOK a life (Exodus 2). I have a life here, I have to go to school, I love Dr. Pepper too much, I can't leave my friends and family! I can't leave the woman I love (I obviously added these things for effect ;))
And God said NO. I want you. "I will be with you."
What is left for me to protest? Faith without deeds is dead. James 2:26. Now that I have seen, I am responsible. Brooke Fraser's Albertine.
I. am. responsible.
I can NO longer drown out, water down, or downright ignore God's voice.
Pray for me friends because this is a world-battle I'm not sure I'm prepared to take on. But God is WITH ME. The One who sits on His holy throne CARES enough to whisper to me until He gets my attention. And even then, to NEVER let go of me.


My dear, precious Savior...help. You have set your plan upon my heart and as much as I try, I can no longer ignore you. I don't know where this will lead me or who it will lead me to, but Father I pray that you will NO LONGER make me content. I want what YOU want. I know that I don't always act like this. I argue, and even physically fight back against you in the way of sin. I don't want that life anymore. I want you. and I want you to consume me with your love and your plan, so much so that I can no longer recognize who I once was. But you know me. You know how difficult this will be for me. I pray for never ending patience and wisdom. Wisdom to see what you want me to see, o Father PLEASE make it clear, and wisdom to recognize suffering as discipline and chiseling. Patience, strength, and courage to give up my cross DAILY and take up yours. To die to myself every day, over and over, so that I can be aligned with yours. Thank you for taking notice, for bending down to hear me, and for holding me ever so tightly by the hand.

*Father I pray for him. Only you know how much it hurts. I love him, I want him, and I want him with me on this life journey to find what you want for me. But that's not your plan right now, and I fervently pray that you will make me ok with that. You have already granted me such peace, a peace that can only come from you, and I ask and KNOW you will grant him the same peace. The peace that he so longs for. I pray that you will not only grant him this peace with You, with me, with another relationship, but I pray that you will DROWN him in your love and blessing. So much so that he cannot see his way out of You. I pray he never does. If it is your will for us to meet again on this road later, I REJOICE. And if not, I REJOICE. You have made me SO much better through this angel that touched my life, if only for a year. I hope he knows that this LIVE relationship with you was sparked by him. I hope he knows how much I admire him for his life and faith. If not, I pray you will put that on his heart. Father hold him in your arms, keep him safe, not only from his sport, but throughout all of his life. Help him to never forget how much I love him, think about him, and pray for him. But MORE importantly, how much YOU love him, think about him, and watch over him.
Through all and IN all, Amen.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

silence.

EVERY DAY my mind is consumed.
With thoughts
worries
hopes
dreams
anticipations
commercials
images
what I'm doing tomorrow
what I did today
how much I like that outfit
discontent
frustration
sin
grace
love
laughter

silence?

It is close to impossible for me to find quiet. I crave silence sometimes. Literally, all I want to do is sit on my bed with God and listen. And it is quite possibly the hardest thing I've ever tried to do. Because even when I want to, especially when I want to, I can't. I cram my mind and life with so much unnecessary noise that silence becomes more and more difficult to obtain.

Please, take some silent time to read 1 Kings 19 (especially verses 11-12) and watch this video. Over and over and over and over and over again. Every day if that's what it takes for you to remember
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VzpF2aCZN-8&NR=1
*sorry about the Spanish subtitles. Nothin' I can do about that.

search your hearts and be silent.


I found God today: in the gentle whisper

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Time

Welp I spent some quality time at Vandy today. They really should not make the walls brown. That is the awfulest color to make the walls of a HOSPITAL. So depressing.
And I would be totally fine if I never went back there again. (Besides this whole 2 month check-up thing)
So anyway, I was there to check and see if I have arthritis. To make a long and boring story short, I've had intense joint pain and swelling since January and something needed to be done. A trip to my personal doctor and 4 tubes of blood later, they told me nothing was wrong.
WHAT.
Something was definitely not right. So, that led me to a Rheumatologist at Vandy. About 2 hours later, the doctor told me it could be one of two things. One, it actually could be Rheumatoid arthritis, which basically means: give it a few months. If it's not better, that's what it is. But the pain wont ever go away.

Two, the one I'm hoping for, is side effects of 5th's Disease. My older sister had this when she was young. That's the thing, it's a disease you're only supposed to get in like kindergarten or 1st grade, and when you get it, you wont even know it. Kids don't get sick from it, and the only real sign is redness on the face. It goes away in a few days. But when adults get it, it acts like Rheumatoid. Swelling and pain in the joints. With kids, it's gone in a few days. With adults, it can take months and even a YEAR to get better. And since I work with precious little angels every day, it is very likely that I have come in contact with the disease multiple times. I just have to wait.

I'm going to Honduras this summer. It is a week before my church's church camp, which I have been asked to help with. I am already going down early to Honduras, but if I helped with church camp I would have to come home 4 days earlier than expected. I may get down there and be glad to leave early, but I also may really regret leaving. There is no way to tell. So as I buy my tickets, I basically just have to guess. Then wait.

I am making a very important decision right now, one that will affect a lot of the future. Although I have some good thoughts and ideas about this decision, I also have some bad ones. This isn't something anyone else can decide for me either. It's all me. And it's also something that I will never be sure about unless I do it. I have to wait and see.

Timing is everything isn't it?

God's been teaching me a whole lot about timing lately. In Deuteronomy, I'm told that He is the Rock and his ways are perfect. Ecclesiastes says that there is a time for everything, and God has made everything beautiful in its time. How does God's time work? Not like ours. Our life is just a breath to him. That's what makes it so difficult for us. God knows no boundaries. He is not contained by time. For us, we have deadlines, appointments, confines. And time is something we never seem to have enough of.

I have no real answer to this difficult trait of God. All I know is, it's important, and really difficult, to remember that God does not work like we work, and He will NOT be restricted the way we are. Luckily, one day we wont have these restrictions.
But until then...
"My times are in your hands..."
Psalm 31:15

Ecclesiastes 3:11-"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end."



I found God today: but NOT in my time.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Do You Know Me?

Lately I've been finding out more and more about God. I've been excited about my finds, and often feel so close to him it brings tears to my eyes.
But then, there are times when I feel like I don't know him AT ALL.
I have no idea what he wants from me
where he wants me to go
or what he's doing.
And I guess I could be frustrated by this, cause it would be easy, but instead, it's better to realize the potential growth from times like that. I'm not meant to know everything, and God can NEVER be put in a box, no matter how much people claim to know about him. I think it's good to be taught this sometimes. (although the ways He teaches us isn't always fun...) To be humbled into realizing that he is soooo much bigger and greater than ANYTHING we can imagine for him.

"My child, don’t reject the Lord’s discipline, and don’t be upset when he corrects you. For the Lord corrects those he loves, just as a father corrects a child in whom he delights."
Proverbs 3:11-12


I found God today in that: sometimes I don't feel like I know Him at all.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

"Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be."
-Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat Pray Love


There's a lot of things I could say today.
Even though this is my blog, and I feel I can write freely and honestly, I still find myself holding back a lot in my honesty.
Some days, I just get tired of answering questions. Some days, I get tired of feeling like I am not the way I "should" be.

There's so much I want to say to one particular person. He'll probably ask me about this post later.
Is it cowardly that I can't seem to ever say what I want to say? Is it cowardly that I would rather write it all on here then say it to him because the sound of his voice makes me forget anything I was going to say? Writing comes easily to me, but speaking... not so much these days. It seems to be that way with everyone. I used to be able to talk to a wall with all the small talk I could make up. But now? Now I'm quiet, and I don't know why some days.

Who determines when enough is enough? How am I supposed to know when love is lost? If it were up to me, I would probably fight much longer than most. Maybe due to stupidity, maybe due to a lack of realization of what I'm worth, who knows. I don't think it's either.
But there does come a point when even I know enough is enough. That no matter how much you fight, some people just don't, wont, fight with you. Like waiting for rain in a drought: useless and disappointing.
But it doesn't make it any easier

...

I don't understand why people can't just be honest. Who knows how much better things would be if there was just honesty. Sometimes, people aren't honest because of fear of getting hurt (I do this a lot these days). Sometimes, people aren't honest because they feel it will do no good. So what you have now is good? You don't know when something could be better. And if not for you, for the sake of someone else. And sometimes, people just aren't honest for no reason at all.

Please don't argue with me.
I NEED honesty
I can't hide this from you anymore
You don't know how much you are affecting me
If you ever even considered me a friend, do me a favor and be honest with me
and with yourself
because I can't love you like this anymore
I don't wanna lose to you that way
and that's it

I won't go on like this, even if I love you so much it hurts.
Please don't argue with me.


"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness.
Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism."



and that's all she wrote.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Holy Spirit

So what about the times when God MUST be there? That there is no way, by our own doing, that we would have ended up where we were?

A few nights ago I was sitting in my bed crying. I was scared and sad because I had no idea why I was experiencing a certain physical illness. I had felt this way before around this time, but before it was different. I guess before, I had been aware that I was hurting. Before, I had prayed for comfort and peace with the situation. But this time, I was just sitting and reading, as I always did, and I must have glanced at a drawing, or maybe it was something I read... Nonetheless, I started crying. I didn't pray, I didn't wish that I had someone to talk to (as I had before), I just sat and quietly cried. Not 5 minutes later, 3 girls knocked on my door. These girls NEVER came to my room. In fact, we hadn't really talked that much lately. Not because there was an issue between us, we just led three busy lives I guess. They had come to see my nose ring. That was it. And they find me sitting on my bed, crying. Well, they talked to me and consoled me, and I felt so incredibly better.
That wasn't in my drawing. If I were, alone, drawing my life on that butcher paper (on a previous post if you're confused), I would not have included that.
What do I do with that? At the time, I unmistakeably knew it was God. And I still think it was, I'm just trying to fit all my thoughts together.

Romans 8:26: "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."

This turns into a topic that many people don't want to discuss: the Holy Spirit. If you ask me, the Spirit was working that night.

If indeed I color my own life, with God's guidance and presence, it would be difficult to say that He had that planned. That he knew I would be upset, needing people to talk to. Sometimes, though, when I am coloring, I don't have the right colors. Kids will ask me if what they drew looks good, and sometimes they will even ask which colors to use. The colors they picked out don't always look right together; therefore, they need different ones. They don't have the capacity to always know what looks the best together. I believe that God works in that way, too.
But that night, I didn't say anything to Him.
That night, I was just hurting. And I (think) believe that the Holy Spirit, not God (although the Spirit is God...) was the One working.


Sigh...


I found God today in that: I am still finding him

Friday, March 12, 2010

Part 2?

I've been thinking about my last post a lot.

This morning, in the shower, I got to thinking about prayer. That's generally the first time I pray, haha, and it was like all of a sudden the question of why I pray, especially for others, hit me. Admittedly, prayer has never been easy for me. Growing up, I couldn't grasp the idea of just talking rather than a formal prayer, and now, it's difficult to know what to say. It's hard for me to know what to say on behalf of others particularly. Sometimes all I'm left with is just speaking their name.

And I was thinking about all the thoughts and writing of last night. If we are, in a sense, master's of our own fate, then why is prayer even necessary? If we choose to color outside the lines, make a masterpiece, or make a big picture of brown muck, then why do we need to pray?
It always came back to the realization that God still provides everything. He gives me those crayons and that paper. He gives me guidance, when I ask for it, and lovingly watches over me. And prayer is about thanksgiving, supplication, and repentance, right? All things provided for by God.

It still doesn't answer questions like in Acts 13 and 16 when Paul (which the scriptures interestingly enough switch from Saul to Paul here) and Barnabas were influenced by the Holy Spirit. In chapter 13, Paul and Barnabas were SENT out by the Holy Spirit. In chapter 16, they were actually PREVENTED from going to Asia. Some argue that the Holy Spirit isn't really God, just a conscious of some sort that we have. Others would argue that the Holy Spirit is very much a part of God. Does this contradict with free will?
I have some thoughts, but they aren't quite formulated yet...


I used to not particularly like the rain until I watched the Nooma video entitled "Rain."
Now, to me, it means "I love you buddy. We're gunna make it."



I found God today in: the questions and the rain

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Butcher Paper and a Box of Crayons

Let me try to collect my thoughts here... They're kind of all over the place after tonight.
First of all, Don Miller is amazing.

My WHOLE entire life I have heard that God has a plan for me. That everything in my life was previously orchestrated and plays out accordingly. "Everything happens for a reason" and nothing is a coincidence. This would have to mean that God has meticulously planned out the details of every single person's life, giving them a plan on how to live... right? I've also been told that Jesus fulfills us. That "we have a a hole in our heart that needs to be filled. We try to fill it with a square peg of drugs, sex, alcohol, rock and roll, but Jesus, the round peg, is the only thing that will fill us."

Buckle up, cause I'm about to seriously challenge these beliefs.

1. Ok, so everything happens for a reason. God has a plan for your life, for my life. That means that everything that has happened, is happening, and will happen to us is already layed out for us. As a child, my mom picked out my clothes for me. She laid out what SHE wanted me to wear by design. When a child reaches a certain age, they no longer want to be told what to wear. They want to decide for themselves and will even reject the idea their parents have presented. So this idea, and what I have believed for so long, is completely contradictory to another belief Christians so strongly hold onto: free will. If God were to sit back and completely plan out EVERYTHING, that would leave us no choice. That is not free will. That is forced love. That would mean that God has decided how he wants us to live, and at the end of the day, our day was not a choice we made, but rather a choice already made for us. That's not who God is (I think, I hope). He is living, He is in our lives, He is present, but he does not make decisions for us. If he were to do that, Eve probably wouldn't have eaten that fruit. We say we "have a friend in Jesus." Think about it. Would you want a friend that makes all your choices for you?
You might say, well if God wants us to make our own decisions, then why does he give us "rules" to follow. Again, he is not forcing you to follow those guidelines. He knows that if you live in the way he suggests, your life will be so much more rewarding, so much more fulfilling, but he does not force you to follow those rules. I think the idea the God has a plan already decided for us is what causes so much hurt, ironically, over suffering. If God has a plan, then why do we suffer...

Don Miller gave an exciting example of what God's plan for our lives might actually look like. He suggested that our lives are like one big sheet of butcher paper (basically a thicker version of regular paper, just used to keep meat cold, hah) and God gives us a big box of crayons (my favorite part!!!) and we are left to draw. He watches us, lovingly, praises us for our beautiful drawing, and guides us when we ask for it. But he doesn't draw for us. We wouldn't want that, and he knows it.

2. Square peg in a round hole? I'm just wondering who came up with this? I'm amazed at how much commercialism has consumed Christian beliefs. I have come to find that a lot, if not most, of the things I believe in are not really even biblical. They are just "nice ideas" that someone somewhere came up with. Well, Jesus is, apparently, a round peg (wonder how he would feel about that). The only peg that will fill this so-called hole we have in our hearts. Ok, well. We do need to be fulfilled by God, and Jesus came to do that for us. But there are so so many other ways that we need to be fulfilled in, too. If Jesus was the round peg to fill this hole, that suggests that we should not want for anything and if we do, we've done something wrong. How can we live like this? WE CAN'T. This would mean that being fulfilled by Jesus is something we have done or could do, and we can't. If the only way Adam needed to be fulfilled was one single round peg by God (who WALKED in the garden, by the way (Genesis 3:8)), then why did he create Eve? God knew that although Adam was fortunate enough to be in such close communion with him, he needed more. Since I became a Christian, I have had plenty of bad days. Does this mean that I haven't let Jesus be the round peg? No, it just means I am human and live in a fallen world. We need food, water, love, affirmation, relationship, clothes. We have those, and many other, holes in our heart as well. Jesus is the round peg in a sense that he fills the "God-portion" of our holes. BUT, we have to have these other things to be fulfilled too. And the only way we CAN get those is if Jesus does it. So it's not like Jesus only has this tiny part of us, he fulfills EVERYTHING, but through different means. Make sense? I'm not sure it makes sense to me either just yet, I'm still grasping it. Believing such a constricting thing for so long can make it tough to see otherwise.

Don Miller is responsible for many of these thoughts I'm having. He completely shattered my mind-set tonight, and left me shaken.
Shaken, but so utterly, deliciously, giddily? free.

Please give me feedback! It's not fun talking to myself...



I found God today in: butcher paper and a box of crayons

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Make Way!

How come we feel like we can't ever sit still?
As spring break approaches, I realize how desperately I need it. Why? Because I am frazzled, exhausted in every aspect, and burnt out. Why's that? Because I have OVER-LOADED myself. If I have an ounce of downtime, that's just time to add more things to do. And I know entirely too many people who live the exact same way.

Something is so so wrong with this. I have given myself so much to do, that I no longer find room to just THINK. Even writing is becoming difficult. I have to squeeze these writings in, often struggling for things to write without just repeating the same thing post after post, even if it is how I am feeling.
I write witty papers, often full of information just taking up space, take detailed notes, and participate in classes. Ritual.
I go to work, tell kids to go down the slide the right way, sit those deserving in time out, tie countless shoes, and deal with problems without actually even attempting to care. Ritual.
Come back, eat, homework, study, read, hang out, sleep. RITUAL.
I guess I really realized this when I was with my Little on Tuesday morning. We were sitting there playing Connect 4 and all I could think about was if I wanted to get coffee when I got back to school! I was there physically, but mentally, I was already onto the next thing I had to get done.

Wasn't signing up for BBBS supposed to be fullfilling, not burdensome?
Isn't school supposed to be a time to grow, learn, and experience, not just get through?
Aren't Y.E.S, PKS, and work supposed to be enjoyable experiences that I CHOOSE to do, not just "another thing to do?"
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
These things are fulfilling and enjoyable, but because I have created NO space in my mind for myself, they have become horrors. Things that were supposed to bring me joy often leave me cranky and tired, full of complaints. I like to go to the cafeteria or Starbucks in the morning to sit and read some Psalms or something. It seems to be the only 20 minutes of my day where I don't have any responsibilities. Yet, even this is turning into 15 minutes...10... and eventually, it will turn into something that I may do occasionally. I used to look forward to starting my day in this way, but now that I am staying up later and doing more work, those few minutes of sleep I am missing really irritate me some mornings.
And that is so sad. First, that I have carved out only 20 minutes of a whole 24 hours where I personally dedicate my time to my Love, and secondly that I am slowly letting it dwindle away.

And I personally feel that all this craziness starts when we decide to live our lives for everyone else. It is incredibly ironic really. Doing things for yourself, such as taking a break to read or spend time alone or do something enjoyable or nice for yourself is portrayed as selfishness. Because you are not out there busting your tail, making yourself unhappy, cranky, and eventually crazy all for the sake of someone else's happiness, you are not doing what is right. I am not saying that we should wholly live our lives for ourselves, never thinking of others, but it is evident that if we don't take care of ourselves there is NO WAY we can adequately take care of others.

I wonder what God is thinking when he sees us making ourselves so busy, leaving no room for Him or for ourselves.

If I can't even hear my own voice, how am I supposed to hear God's?


I found God today in that: I have got to STOP being so busy, even when it isn't convenient.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Seeds

I hate that I leave God out.
And I hate even more that I do it SO often.

At school, I make sure all the kids are included. If I see a kid getting left out, I do not allow it. There is this one kid, Randall, who has Cerebral Palsy. These two other little rambunctious boys like to pick on him. They let him "play" with them, only if he'll take the parts they don't want. More than twice a day, every day, Randall will come up to me, on the verge of tears, and list off some way they are leaving him out.

And yet, there are SO many times, TOO many times that I come to the realization that I have completely left God out. I make plans, take things into my own hands, and go my own way, stubbornly and with full force. It is only after, when I'm sitting in the floor like a child with paint all around me and all over me and my hands, figuratively speaking, that I look up and out of my own world. And I get so mad at myself! God, I'm so sorry! Why do I always do this?! is what I always end up saying.

I don't know why I do it. Like Paul in Romans, I do what I don't want to do and don't do what I want to do (Romans 7:19). And it really is the most frustrating thing in the world.

I don't think there's a band-aid fix to it, either. Patience and diligence I would think.
I have this prayer written in the front of my bible called the Mertonian Prayer and I think it has at least one point right:
"But I believe that the desire to please you does, in fact, please you."
I mean, I know faith without deeds is dead (James 2:26), but maybe it's a start...



I found God today in that: He always finds me

Monday, March 8, 2010

Faithful

Sometimes it's just hard, ya know? Some days it gets hard to roll out of bed, let alone combat all the evils of this world. But the important thing is that I DO get out of bed. That I DO try. Some days it's really difficult to find that silver lining, especially in my job. But today was a day worth painting. The beauty of God was everywhere. Anyway, I'm devoid of any other words but this. So I'll let Brooke Fraser do the talking. Go buy her album.

Faithful
There's distance in the air and I cannot make it leave
Iwave my arms' round about me and blow with all my might
I cannot sense you close, though I know you're always here
But the comfort of you near is what I long for

When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear every word I pray
And I want you more than I want to live another day
And as I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful

All the folly of the past, though I know it is undone
I still feel the guilty one, still trying to make it right
So I whisper soft your name, let it roll around my tongue,
knowing you're the only one who knows me
You know me

Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk
I count this world as loss to me
You are all I want
You are all I want



I found God today in: remaining faithful

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Just Love OK!

Sometimes I experience tangible bliss.
There's this one swing outside my dorm. It overlooks the Elam circle, not a particularly lovely view, and sits on the corner, right before the heart of Lipscomb is visible. I've come to this swing before, on a few occasions actually, but none such as this. Today was beautiful. The air was a little crisp, (I like that word. Crisp.) but the sky made up for that. So, I was sitting on my swing, reading, and just looked up.
The clouds were moving, hesitantly creeping away from the sun, turning from a pale blue to purple and orange. My absolute favorite kind. I only wish I could bottle up some of this fluffy goodness. Campus was quiet, maybe everyone experiencing the same stillness I was, and all I could hear were a few birds chirping, and a faint whistle from a man with his hands in his pockets. In the air, an airplane, moving at a rate that seemed inconceivable, left its ear busting noise trailing behind, echoing against the expanses, and a faint trail of wood burning, bringing me back to bonfires and devos of what seems to be long ago. All I could do was sit there, not wanting to move. I didn't, wouldn't even allow, anything to ruin this moment for me. I didn't want to let anything inside, disrupting my silence, my bliss, as I sat and conjured these very words.

It didn't start out that way though. I was holed up in my room this afternoon with too much homework looming on the horizon. I wanted to be anywhere but there, doing anything but that, but I typed on. Numerous notecards and two typed papers later, my joints, and my spirit needed a break. It was too pretty outside not to. One of my favorite places to go is Borders. I absolutely love to read, (although admittedly if the book isn't good in the beginning, I force myself to make it past page 3) and had hopes of getting a new book. I checked my email for a coupon (haven't bought a book full price YET) and checked my bank account for money. Sighing, due to a lack of substance in the latter, I drove. Again, it was a nice day, and my spirits were a little brightened the farther away I got from my room, leaving it as a distant memory. Once at Borders, I picked up this book that greeted me as soon as I walked in. I had seen it before, but had no idea what the name was. Once I picked it up and began reading, I didn't even stop to check and see how long the chapters were. It was so good. And you know what? I bought it. I did have my coupon, but by golly, I bought it.
And so what, I thought to myself as I left. Why do I worry so much? I could give you a list of verses that tell me, and you, not to worry about things, big or small, or not to worry about money, but I won't. Not this time. Because I wanted that book. And lately, life seems much more precious to me.
So what if I wanna sit on a swing, that doesn't overlook some great scenery, drink a cherry dr. pepper, and read away my afternoon when I should be doing homework.
SO WHAT if I wanna sing at the top of my lungs, even though I'm excitable and always start singing too early.
So what if I choose to love, with all my heart, someone most people would say I'm better off without.
So what if I eat 2 chocolate chip cookies.
So what if I stay up late when I know that 7:45 is gunna come all too early.
SO WHAT if I spend money eating with wonderful friends when I should be saving it for countless other, "more important," things
and the list goes on.

If you aren't going to stop worrying for God, (because He can handle it, you know) then stop for you. LIFE IS TOO SHORT. I pray, I BEG, that you and I will never, ever be old grumpy people some day. Go buy a bouncy ball. Go kiss someone. Go tell someone how much you love them. Because you would want that done to you wouldn't you? Yes, you would.

:)

and go read Little Bee.

Yellow Sour Patch Kids

I don't know why I save my homework for Sunday afternoons. I never want to do it.

Most of the time, I just float through life.
Still don't know what being fully dependent on God looks like. I may never know, but I think it's different for everyone.
And some days I just realize how much I need God. Not necessarily because anything bad happens, although that helps, but it just hits me some days for some reason.
Sometimes I get bored during sermons at churches. Think what you want about that, I don't care.
Today, as I was trying to focus, I ran across this in Isaiah:

"And he said, 'Yes, go and say to this people':
'Listen carefully, but do not understand.
Watch closely, but learn nothing.
Harden the hearts of these people.
Plug their ears and shut their eyes.
That way, they will not see with their eyes
nor hear with their ears,
nor understand with their hearts
and turn to me for healing.”


....That way, they will not see with their eyes
nor hear with their ears,
nor understand with their hearts...

BUT, turn to me for healing.


I found God today in that: I need Him.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Still on That Journey...

Some days I just don't know.



I found God today in that: The sky was beautiful.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

"now we see things imperfectly..."


"a child is the beauty of God in the world."
Mother Teresa


There's this precious little girl at the Elementary School. I call her Hannah Banana, and she loves to play. Her and her friends compete to see who can hug me first every day, and she always loses :) She's soft spoken, very obedient, has beautiful wavy sandy colored hair, and a laugh that will melt you heart.
This little girl also has Glaucoma.

I saw her today for the first time in a while. You see, she hasn't been at extended day in a while because she has had more surgeries in her short lifetime than most of us will ever see, causing her to miss a lot. Since I hadn't seen her in a while, we sat and talked. I asked her how she had been and what she had been doing, and she explained that she had been putting up posters around school for Glaucoma awareness week next week. Some of her friends had been helping her too...

"Yea, I've already lost complete eyesight in my left eye." She says in her soft voice, and then looks at the ground. My heart aches and slowly crumbles as I realize this is not the first time she has said this. She considers it a way of life now and tries to live on, barely seeing out of her right eye. She is strong, but underneath she is crying because of the things she will never get to see. The opportunities she will never have, all because of this disease. You see, Glaucoma steals away eyesight, often without any signs at all, and there is no. cure. I didn't know anything to do except put my arm around her and hold her close, wanting so badly to heal her.

She is an angel. She has the fingerprints of Jesus ALL over her, and one day, she will play and laugh with better vision than she has known or will ever know. And I can't wait to be there so she can be the first to hug me.


"now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity." 1 Corinthians 13:12




I found God today in: Hannah Banana.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Silence

(I decided for my Lent thing to stop calling it "The Journey," and basically, call it whatever I want hehe)

"God speaks in the silence of the heart."
-Mother Teresa

I watched a video on her today. She was an amazing woman. Truly. She was a tangible angel. And she said this quote and I had to immediately write this down cause it just seems so true to me.

I don't have one moment of silence throughout my whole day. Not even really when I am sleeping because even then I sometimes dream. I am busy, have an agenda, and almost always have something to say. Where's God in all that?
I don't believe He is in the busyness. I believe, like what Mother Teresa said, He is in the silence of our hearts. I just picture Him sitting and waiting, with immense patience, for us to tune in. Maybe even knitting, I don't know.
Wherever we are there is noise, wherever he is: silence.

Sometimes silence is scary. Mainly because when one is silent, all the junk of life comes to the surface, forcing you to be real with yourself, and with the One who meets you there.
Silence is telling. Silence is honest. Silence is genuine.

I like God speaking to me in the silence of my heart. It makes it special. I get sick of the noise and commotion sometimes, and if He was in the noise, it would kill the image I have of Him. Silence needs to be sought after, and fiercely held onto.


I found God today in that: He speaks to me in silence

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

The Journey, Part 12

We gotta meet in the middle
To work this thing out

More love, I can hear our hearts cryin'
More love, I know that's all we need
More love, to flow in between us
To take us and hold us and lift us above
If there's ever an answer
It's more love

We're afraid to be idle
So we fill up the days
We run on the treadmill
Keep slavin' away 'til there's no time for talkin'
About trouble in mind
And the doors are all closed
Between your heart and mine

Just look out around us
People fightin' their wars
They think they'll be happy
When they've settled their scores
Let's lay down our weapons
That hold us apart
Be still for just a minute
Try to open our hearts

More Love.

Just stop. Rest. You are wonderful. You are beautiful. But you can't do it all, and you can't try anymore.


I found God today in that: I can't try to be brave anymore.

Monday, March 1, 2010

The Journey, Part 11

Tolerance: –noun 1. a fair, objective, and permissive attitude toward those whose opinions, practices, race, religion, nationality, etc., differ from one's own; freedom from bigotry.
Freedom from bigotry? geez
Acceptance: –noun 3. the act of assenting or believing

I'm not sure which one of these words is the most appropriate for what I'm going to write about, but I guess the one I have heard most often is "tolerance." Although, acceptance seems to be more accurate to me.

The other day, some friends and I were driving downtown, and somehow the topic of sex got brought up. We spent the nearly 20 minute drive naming off the people we personally knew who were having sex. One girl was even saying how her roommate would tell her about her escapades and say it is no big deal. I was shocked at the number of people I found that were having sex. Growing up, sex seemed like the worst of all sins, (I was young and still measured sins by degree of "worseness") and I still somewhat look at it that way. But lately, I have become much more tolerant. Much more accepting.
It is NOT ok.
I stopped and thought about how much I have been taught, not by my parents, but by culture, to accept. That it is not right to let people know, whether by words or deeds, that whatever they are choosing to do is not ok with me. Please understand that I do NOT feel it is right to disrespect a person or abuse them verbally, or physically, in any way, EVER, but I also do not feel it is right to be told that I need to keep my mouth shut over issues I feel strongly about, when others are more than welcome to speak freely about theirs. I have learned that making people "comfortable" takes precedence over speaking the truth. How did it get like this? Yes, God is merciful beyond ANYTHING we can imagine (look at the life of Paul), yes his love is too much for us, even being held back because if he fully opened the flood gates of his love, it would crush us. Yes, he wants us to respect others because God has no favorites (Deut. 10:17). But God also wants us to be serious enough about this life to do what he commands. He gave us rules to live by, not as a way to hold us under his thumb, but a way to give us a much more fulfilling life. In Psalm 50, God says that the people "hate[d] my instruction and cast my words behind you." and they will be judged. There will be a time coming when God will no longer "[keep] quiet" and will "accuse you to your face."

I think in this post-modern world, the idea that God is this big, loving, "grandfather of the sky" is all too common. He IS big. He IS loving. But he expects us to live as we should.
It's NOT ok.
Please don't let it be ok. Often, "you say it best when you say nothing at all." Don't let that "best" be something you don't mean to say.

"To conceal ignorance is to increase it."
-Gandhi




I found God today in that: I do not want to be tolerant.