Know my Anxious Thoughts...

my mind, heart, soul, and everything in between, has been consumed with thoughts of honduras lately.

it occurred to me that when people ask me why im going, i don't really have an answer.

because im not going to preach

im not going to americanize

im not going to save

and im not going to follow a plan.

i'm going to love and be loved

to experience the most un-distracted encounter with God i've ever known

i'm going because it makes sense

im going because it fits.

and yet.

im scared.

terrified, really.

why is it that when i am sitting in my room in arkansas, i yearn for more of God, i shudder at the thought of a routine or complacent existence

but thinking about the gravity of the God i will meet in honduras makes me run to my covers?

i have never wanted to be a person that finds God somewhere else, but i don't think thats what this is about.

i think it's about the lack of control i will feel, the complete uncertainty of what my days will look like, not just when i think about it now, but also when i'm there.

and THAT is something i'm never ready to experience.

"search me, O God, and know my heart; test me, and know my anxious thoughts. point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life."

psalm 139

11-30-12

so old, so young, so tired, so worn.

i met you.

like a flame, a candle, you lit my heart.

i yearned for it, begged for the mercy of your touch.

you soothed me, threw glimpses of unfamiliar life into my eyes.

and in the very moments i felt utterly and completely overtaken, overcome, by this fire,

emptiness and destruction threatened, much more, to take their places.

as i stared them in the eyes, i realized never in my life and never again had i seen such pure,

raw,

untamed

love.

in the face of such utter tragedy.

because as much as i love you and always have

a choice was made to never let it shake me the way it did, again.

"If you stick a knife in my back nine inches and pull it out six inches, that's not progress.

You pull it all the way out-that's not progress.

The progress is healing the wound that the blow made.

And they haven't even tried to pull the knife out, much less heal the wound.

They won't even admit the knife is there."

-Malcolm X

The Girl Effect

we watched this in class the other day and i was really struck by it and haven't been able to stop thinking about it since.  i think it has such a profound message and effect, and not just because i am a girl, but because of how so many problems have a seemingly "easy" fix, if we just open our eyes to them

I knew you were trouble...

i don't even really like Taylor Swift all that much, but i can't get this song out of my head today...

sometimes i get in these situations and im like

what the crap happened.

other times, im in situations in which i say

oh. thats why that crap happened.

i think it's normal to be affected by our environments. i spent a long time trying not to be, but as hard as i tried, i didn't become unaffected. i became a stuffer of feelings to the point of numbness. i pray you [me, I, whomever] never get there. it's a verrry difficult thing to undo.

and then, somewhere, beautifully, along the way, i realized that i carry it within me anyways. all the different environments, good or bad, have molded me, grown me, into the exact woman that i am. and so it's good to be affected by the environment, because i think that means complacency hasn't set in.

it's not a threat to my well-being, whichever environment i find myself in.

i carry It, it, it within and nothing will take that from me.

on a side note, let me point out that wanting me only when you see me delivers a LOUD and CLEAR message that what is on the outside of me is what is most important, and the only thing you actually want.

thank you, but no

sometimes when you are swallowed by the moment, you forget to be kind and gracious and loving and giving. all you want to do is lash out, emotionally, and release all your disappointed expectations and hurts and unrealistic beliefs about the person or situation onto the closest thing to you.

but they don't feel unrealistic when it's the 27 thousandth thing that has threatened to undo the weeks and months of betterment you have searched for and attained for yourself. they feel real and raw and annoyingly present. but to succumb to your emotions in that moment is to be the exact thing you have worked really your whole life to overcome.

also, sometimes i cringe when i read my past posts. mostly because i remember who i was and where i was, mentally, emotionally, sometimes physically, when i wrote them. but also because they sometimes sound so dramatic. i've always been a deep feeler, though, no use denying that. it's like looking at the Facebook photos i put up when i first got the thing-somewhat embarrassing to the point of deletion, sometimes. but ill keep them. because i stand by most of what i said, anyway. 

i don't know why i felt the need to explain myself away. hm.

one day i'm going to live in the west
and snuggle by the fire
with a warm beverage
and warm food
and a warm boy

i've never lived in the west.
in a way it seems to represent all the things that feel unattainable to me
i cut 7 inches off of my hair this summer
i was hoping it would push me to the West.
West=graduate school
graduation
love
marriage
babies
all the things that threaten my comfort.
so far i haven't checked my bank account in 5 hours.

i'd say i'm doing pretty good.

uhh hi?

i never actually thought i'd write in this thing again. not because i've been intentionally not doing so, but other things took over my thoughts and time and blog abilities. but i've been catching up on this other blog and in it she said that sometimes you just need to have something for you.  that she's not sure if really anyone reads what she says but that that matters very little.  she likes to write for herself.

i like that idea.

in all this time that i haven't publicly been sharing my thoughts, i have certainly continued writing.  i'm a huge advocate of writing of any kind, especially in a world that promotes all this technology.  usually, i'm lucky if i know how to turn a tv on....seriously.

maybe i'll start with things i've learned since the last time i posted? that feels like a good idea. just a reminder to myself. you can read if you want, but this is for me.

-you must live in the tension. very little is in your control, even the things you might think are.  more than that, trace back to the very depths of your being why you long for that control.  it can, and will, lead you to hard places. but ultimately, freedom.  all of life is tension. embrace it, or it will destroy you.
-everything and everyone you meet is who they will be/what it will be.  it is of course possible to change, but the world strives to be content, to be okay.  that requires a very consistent "staying-where-you-areness" and the likelihood of anyone/thing changing on purpose is slim because of that.  so, you better be sure you can always accept that man/woman/dog as they are right this very second.
-you really will be okay. nothing in the entire world will hit you so hard that you lose your footing. you might be brought to your knees, but you will not lose your footing.
-above all, you must learn to love yourself. it is a process, but you are not the culmination of your mistakes. you are on a very specific, direct, perfect path and you are OKAY. you are where you are supposed to be, always. "it's not too late or too soon; it is when it's supposed to be" (The Time Keeper)
-God is faithful.  always.  forevermore.  unimaginably.

hmmm that's all.