Know my Anxious Thoughts...

my mind, heart, soul, and everything in between, has been consumed with thoughts of honduras lately.

it occurred to me that when people ask me why im going, i don't really have an answer.

because im not going to preach

im not going to americanize

im not going to save

and im not going to follow a plan.

i'm going to love and be loved

to experience the most un-distracted encounter with God i've ever known

i'm going because it makes sense

im going because it fits.

and yet.

im scared.

terrified, really.

why is it that when i am sitting in my room in arkansas, i yearn for more of God, i shudder at the thought of a routine or complacent existence

but thinking about the gravity of the God i will meet in honduras makes me run to my covers?

i have never wanted to be a person that finds God somewhere else, but i don't think thats what this is about.

i think it's about the lack of control i will feel, the complete uncertainty of what my days will look like, not just when i think about it now, but also when i'm there.

and THAT is something i'm never ready to experience.

"search me, O God, and know my heart; test me, and know my anxious thoughts. point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life."

psalm 139