The more I know, the less I know.
I need to get outta Dodge.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
Frantic
At school, it was easy for me to be close to God. A closeness I had never known before.
I had nothing left in me to give. I very literally HAD to have God to give me strength to get through all I was dealing with, and that's how I wanted it. I reveled in Him, I loved Him, I knew Him. Looking back on my posts on here I can even tell how much more I had to say then than I do now.
When school was over, my spiritual life dwindled. I was reading about the same, praying about the same, but my dependence and reliance on Him was most definitely absent. It was obvious to me, and to Him, that I didn't need Him the way I had when I was at school. And it bothered me immensely. I even remember wishing at one point that I was going through everything again JUST to feel the same closeness. Before Honduras, I was hoping that the trip would wake me up, spiritually. And now that I am back, the distance has found me once again.
In talking to a few people, I have heard many ideas. That I should take joy in the fact that I don't have to rely on Him so heavily. That even this spiritual "rest," as it were, is of God. That if my life were as tumultuous as it was this past year, that would be no life at all. And yes, I can see that as a good point, but I want to rely on Him as heavily as I did this year. And maybe the trick is learning different avenues of reliance. A flower relies on the sun to live, a bat relies on the sun eventually setting. They both rely on the Sun, but in very different ways. I just don't know what mine is yet.
I tend to get frantic. Desperate. Searching for Him and getting frustrated and anxious when He is not immediately where I wanted Him to be. "You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God." 1 Peter 3:4. This is far from the spirit I portray. Psalm 51 tells me that the sacrifice God desires is a broken spirit. That He will not reject a broken heart. I know and have seen this to be true. When I am broken, God has all the room he needs, and requires, to step in and lead me. But when I am frantic, I can't see the forest for the trees. The thing I am searching for becomes farther and farther from me because of my own actions, not His.
Thanks, Hallie, for allowing this to smack me in the face.
I had nothing left in me to give. I very literally HAD to have God to give me strength to get through all I was dealing with, and that's how I wanted it. I reveled in Him, I loved Him, I knew Him. Looking back on my posts on here I can even tell how much more I had to say then than I do now.
When school was over, my spiritual life dwindled. I was reading about the same, praying about the same, but my dependence and reliance on Him was most definitely absent. It was obvious to me, and to Him, that I didn't need Him the way I had when I was at school. And it bothered me immensely. I even remember wishing at one point that I was going through everything again JUST to feel the same closeness. Before Honduras, I was hoping that the trip would wake me up, spiritually. And now that I am back, the distance has found me once again.
In talking to a few people, I have heard many ideas. That I should take joy in the fact that I don't have to rely on Him so heavily. That even this spiritual "rest," as it were, is of God. That if my life were as tumultuous as it was this past year, that would be no life at all. And yes, I can see that as a good point, but I want to rely on Him as heavily as I did this year. And maybe the trick is learning different avenues of reliance. A flower relies on the sun to live, a bat relies on the sun eventually setting. They both rely on the Sun, but in very different ways. I just don't know what mine is yet.
I tend to get frantic. Desperate. Searching for Him and getting frustrated and anxious when He is not immediately where I wanted Him to be. "You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God." 1 Peter 3:4. This is far from the spirit I portray. Psalm 51 tells me that the sacrifice God desires is a broken spirit. That He will not reject a broken heart. I know and have seen this to be true. When I am broken, God has all the room he needs, and requires, to step in and lead me. But when I am frantic, I can't see the forest for the trees. The thing I am searching for becomes farther and farther from me because of my own actions, not His.
Thanks, Hallie, for allowing this to smack me in the face.
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