At school, it was easy for me to be close to God. A closeness I had never known before.
I had nothing left in me to give. I very literally HAD to have God to give me strength to get through all I was dealing with, and that's how I wanted it. I reveled in Him, I loved Him, I knew Him. Looking back on my posts on here I can even tell how much more I had to say then than I do now.
When school was over, my spiritual life dwindled. I was reading about the same, praying about the same, but my dependence and reliance on Him was most definitely absent. It was obvious to me, and to Him, that I didn't need Him the way I had when I was at school. And it bothered me immensely. I even remember wishing at one point that I was going through everything again JUST to feel the same closeness. Before Honduras, I was hoping that the trip would wake me up, spiritually. And now that I am back, the distance has found me once again.
In talking to a few people, I have heard many ideas. That I should take joy in the fact that I don't have to rely on Him so heavily. That even this spiritual "rest," as it were, is of God. That if my life were as tumultuous as it was this past year, that would be no life at all. And yes, I can see that as a good point, but I want to rely on Him as heavily as I did this year. And maybe the trick is learning different avenues of reliance. A flower relies on the sun to live, a bat relies on the sun eventually setting. They both rely on the Sun, but in very different ways. I just don't know what mine is yet.
I tend to get frantic. Desperate. Searching for Him and getting frustrated and anxious when He is not immediately where I wanted Him to be. "You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God." 1 Peter 3:4. This is far from the spirit I portray. Psalm 51 tells me that the sacrifice God desires is a broken spirit. That He will not reject a broken heart. I know and have seen this to be true. When I am broken, God has all the room he needs, and requires, to step in and lead me. But when I am frantic, I can't see the forest for the trees. The thing I am searching for becomes farther and farther from me because of my own actions, not His.
Thanks, Hallie, for allowing this to smack me in the face.
first off- sorry I have not commented on your writing in a long time... I've had no free time till I got back at the beginning of July from my trip over and under Europe.
ReplyDeleteNow, to beginning my comment on your post. :D
I know how you feel, last summer and in to college I felt so very, very close to God. But, soon I became comfortable, a little stressed, and a little lazy. I could easily blame a lot of people, but why? Sadly, I've not felt that closeness... but... even if it is missed, I talk and view the world around me with Him in mind. I change, but God stays. With every day I learn, change. After I've change, I view my religion differently. God doesn't want anything from me. I can't do anything to make Him love my anymore. I've just have to be open to Him, let Him work on me... however that may be.
Searching for Him doesn't help. I did that. God is there, always. He is just silent or quite.
Strangely, my spirit flames up at different things, because God is ... moving me on to something different. He is letting me grow.
I like to sit with a good friend and just sit there. It is like spirit talking. God is just sitting with us... sometimes we'll "talk" a lot, or not. He maybe just silent, "spirit talking".
My advice, be who you are. Don't get to bogged down on reading this, or praying that, or sing this because it made you close to God. God doesn't want that. You've learned something, and now you can apply it. God has to let you walk a little.
What helps me, it to think. I'll take a walk with God in mind and let my mind go. I think about random things, and take in the joy or sorrow I feel.
Trust your feelings.
syd, you are so so wise and i am so thankful to have a spiritual warrior fighting this battle with me. love you sister
ReplyDelete