Monday, June 28, 2010

100th post

At 6am tomorrow morning, I will be flying into the unknown.
A whirlwind of events have happened since I joined this trip in January, and I honestly cannot even believe it's happening. But I feel like I'm still in January. Like I signed up for this trip and now, two days later, I am going. I know very little about what we will be doing and have found that uncertainties freak me out a bit.
I am overwhelmed.
But I am excited. Happy, peaceful, full of joy, sleepless. I am anxious, but I am ready.
Honduras seems like a far away place, one that I don't actually feel like I'm going to.
It has been mentioned countless times in my presence, and I myself have spoken of the day when I would go. I long for a place only my dreams have been to. I long for people I have never seen. My heart is breaking over children I don't know.
And I know my life will no doubt be changed from this. My heart is full, and I can't wait for that change.


Now's my turn to ask you a favor :) Pray, pray, pray, pray, pray
I will be gone a total of 13 days. I could sit and write all the potential diseases I could contract from this trip but I feel that would be redundant and a bit melodramatic...just keep it in mind :)
I will also say that I have never flown before...
Pray that I will remember. Remember why I am doing this. Remember who I am, remember the One who saved me, remember not to drink the water.
Pray that I will be the student, not the teacher. The broken one, not the healer. The childlike, not the adult. The open one, not the stubborn one. The passionate one, never the complacent one. I would ask that you pray for those we meet, but I don't think they will be the ones needing the prayers. Although, it wouldn't hurt to Ask that their hearts be ready. But more than that, that ours will be ready.

19 hours, 12 minutes, 55 seconds.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

And oh, how He loves us so.

Taft Ayers spoke in class tonight, and boy am I glad I was there.
I say that because I honestly did not want to go to church tonight. Church and I struggle sometimes, but tonight, I knew, despite my feelings, it was best for me to go.

I don't have some big, long thing to say about it, and I know full well that these words will be read, but not read by most people. And that's ok. Sometimes, hearts just aren't ready to listen.
The theme of our class is "Things I Wish I Had Known." (We are the young adult/college class). And Taft's main verse to headline all he spoke about is found in Matthew 12. "I desire mercy, not sacrifice."
The thing that stuck out the most to me, though, were two particular things he said.

We are saved because He loves us.
We work, because He loves us.
It is not, nor is it ever: I have to work to be saved. Or, I have to do [enter amount of good deeds here] to be loved by Him.

I know this. I knew this before class. But lately, I have forgotten. I have been fighting for the salvation I already have and that cannot be taken from me. Not because of what I do or even because of who I am...but because He loves me.



"Create in me a clean heart, O God
And renew a right spirit within me.
Restore unto me the JOY of my salvation
And renew a right spirit within me."

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Ha, I can only laugh at this post.
I woke up at 4 this morning, extremely parched. The kind of aching for water you feel when you are outside in 90 degree weather, drenched in sweat, with a pool full of luscious water in sight. I actually went to bed thirsty, but at the time, I was too exhausted to get out of bed to get water. So when 4 o'clock rolled around, it was beyond time to get something to drink.
I wandered into the kitchen, my eyes going from the sweet tea on the counter to the chocolate milk in the fridge. Neither satisfied my craving though, so I settled on a homemade rice krispee treat. Going back to bed, cautiously looking over my shoulder along the way (you can never be too sure these days), my mind of course began to meander over previous thoughts and even some new thoughts. Tripping over the idea of angels, my mind settled into a previous thought I've had of whether there are girl angels. After a minute or two, I realized it was close to the top of my list of things that are not clearly laid out for in the Bible and something I wont know until I get to Heaven. I had hit another wall.
And then I thought, well what's so wrong with that. As humans, we long to know every detail. In fact, we wont settle until we know the ins and outs OF the ins and outs of everything. Forget putting a little faith into anything, no no, that could put our ever so fragile ego at risk. And so, if and when we hit said wall, we get disgruntled, grumpy, and even turn our backs on the thought that got us there. Honestly, I think we're just plain afraid of the big wall in front of us.

Well, what would it be like if we just rested on the wall? Threw a ball against it, set up a nice picnic in it's shade. Painted a nice mural for all to enjoy. Where does it say that we have to know everything? When did we get so caught up in thinking that only when we know everything can we decide to believe. Does the subject of whether or not there are girl angels change the love I have for my Father? Does not knowing that one fact, although awesome, affect my appetite for Heaven? No. And it shouldn't. Along with any and every other wall we may hit, no matter the shape, size, color, texture, or density. I fully believe there are some things we just can't handle knowing. We are simply humans, after all.

"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see." Hebrews 11:1

Funny thing is, I planned this whole thing out, thinking I should probably write it down, even at 4 in the morning. :)

Thursday, June 17, 2010

I have gone to church for as long as I can remember, and never wanted to miss a service.
I attended every single youth function I could feasibly go to.
And I never knew God.
I remember very vividly getting up in front of my fourth grade Sunday school class and feeling so proud of myself after I recited the books of the Bible.
I attended a Christian Elementary, Middle, and High School, and have attended a year of a Christian College.
I never knew God.
I received an award for Christian character in front of everyone at my High School graduation.
I grew up with a group of people that have been described as "top notch," "the Golden Grade," "outstanding."
I never knew God.
I was and am surrounded by adults who love me and who always look out for me.
Growing up, I was described as sweet, someone with a good, strong faith. I was considered a leader.
But, I never knew God.

"God cannot make you who He wants you to be until He breaks you in pieces."
Devo's wont cut it. I attended hundreds.
Church services wont cut it. I have barely missed any.
Your friends wont cut it. As said, I grew up with some of the best.
Your family wont cut it, the adults around you wont cut it, your church family, your boyfriends/girlfriends, your school...they wont cut it.
Concerning you, God's not interested in how much your Sunday School teacher knows or knew. Even I can't sit here and tell you how to have a personal relationship with the One and Only One who matters.
Don't get me wrong here. Church, Devo's, strong, faithful friends and family and people around you are all important, but they will not and can not carry you to the cross.


"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule." Matthew 5:3-The Message

Tuesday, June 15, 2010


this is a real life, tangible example of the fact that God does answer prayers.
if you don't know the story, you can read it here.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

I'm feeling incredibly "uninspired" these days. Maybe redoing my blog template will spark creativity.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

My posts on here are generally all very positive. Usually, they are talking about some kind of awesome experience I have had, or just thoughts and feelings I have gotten from studying Scripture or from praying. But I have also written before about how I wish we were real with each other. And it's only right that I follow suit.

I want to be approachable (if that's the right word) to everyone. And although I don't feel like I should cater to everyone's particular thoughts or feelings on things, I also don't want to come across as a happy-go-lucky, perfectly peaceful person. Because that is not always the case.

Today, I didn't feel very loving. I didn't feel very happy. And in fact, last night I was even a little upset with God. Rationally, I know that God would never do anything to purposefully hurt me. He would never give me more than I can handle, and He cannot even be associated with sin. So basically, I had no reason to be mad at Him, but I was mad. And there are days, like this morning, where I kind of have to force myself to love. Not just love others, but love God. (I know that's a very...bold...statement to make, but that's the truth.) But it's like Kris said on her blog, when you marry someone you don't always feel like "loving them;" however, you made a commitment. You said you would, no matter what happened. That's how I look at it with God sometimes. He has done NOTHING for me to not love Him (quite the opposite, really), but because I am a fallen human in a fallen world with fallen feelings, I am plagued by the irritating lack of love at times.

The important thing to remember amongst the bad feelings is that it IS just a feeling. I can't get carried away with them because chances are, they aren't true. God and His love for me and my love for him is unchangeable. It is unwavering even amongst the worst of unhappy days.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Praise Beyond Belief

I just want everyone to take a second and dwell on the AWESOMENESS of the One we live to serve. (Well, I hope you do anyway). Seriously, I am in awe at how small I am and how big He is.

Some of you have heard me mention, either on here or in person, my little one, Keylahni. I got close to her working at the Elementary School this year. She is a spitfire, dancing around and telling me she loves me while giving me wet kisses on my cheek. Lately, and especially this past Saturday night on, I have been fervently praying for her. She has an interesting family situation, and I fear she gets neglected. I know her young mother loves her as well as her extended family, but...I won't say too much on the internet. Anyway, there have been nights that my heart has been so heavy it physically hurts me as I lay in bed, on the verge of tears. I love her, and I just prayed and prayed that Jesus would cover her with HIS love, a love that can never be taken from her.

Lately, I have been stressed about money. I have been praying and trying not to let it stress me out, telling myself over and over that God is the Provider of all Life, of all things. I don't need the money, truthfully, I just know that my parents cannot provide more than the necessities, and I am just a worrier like that, especially since I will not have a job this fall.

Today, Keylahni's mom called me. She wanted to know if I knew of any good camps Keylahni could attend this summer because she didn't want to keep her cooped up in the house all day long. I informed her of the only ones I knew of, and then she asked what I was doing this summer. Long story short, she asked me to take care of Keylahni.

Even as I write it I am blown away by God's provision. He ALONE is to be praised, as this is two answered prayers all rolled into one! Now, I have a job, but more than that, I get to love on my little girl at least for a few days a week, just so she knows someone loves her.

Wow.