I am leaving for Honduras in one month.
I'm not sure it has hit me yet. I have been so stressed and busy, just making sure I have gotten my passport, filled out all necessary paperwork, raised enough money, etc. For me, this is a trip of a lifetime. For some reason, I have always wanted to go to Honduras. And now, that opportunity is quickly approaching.
I do have some reservations though. We are taking a group of 165. Although we are splitting up into two main "Alpha and Omega" groups, that is still about 84 people to a group. I am worried that we wont get adequate things done. With a group that large, we will either be in the way, or people will be left standing around doing nothing. I realize there is a lot of work to do, but there are many many many hands to do it with (thank God, obviously). I'm also hesitant about the random little things. The flight (haven't flown since I was 4), the illness I could get, open hearts and mind to those we come in contact with, and obedience to the Father in that we do what we go for. Not to build houses, not to provide water, not to play with babies. To spread the Word that these people have life beyond this. Not only that, but JOY amongst the devastation they know. That's what this whole thing is about.
And on a more personal level, that I will have a strong heart. I am passionate about kids. I am passionate about the Father and about the work He is doing in me and continues to do. I have many dreams, and when I look in the faces of people, I want them to share at least one of my dreams: of being with my Father someday. All that passion can sometimes make it hard to see clearly. (aka, that I won't bring a baby back with me ;))
Please start praying, friends. I need support, and prayer DOES work. I have no doubt that God will take care of me and the ones I am going with. I have no doubt His will will be done. I just pray I am in His way, but not in the way.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Friday, May 28, 2010
Somethin' weird's going on...
At school, it seemed easy to rely on, study about, and talk to God.
But now, it seems really, really difficult, and I don't know why. There are times where I have even wanted to be in the condition I was in at school, whatever that may be, just to feel close to God again. I want it more than anything and it's hard to handle when I have no idea how to do it sometimes.
At school, it seemed easy to rely on, study about, and talk to God.
But now, it seems really, really difficult, and I don't know why. There are times where I have even wanted to be in the condition I was in at school, whatever that may be, just to feel close to God again. I want it more than anything and it's hard to handle when I have no idea how to do it sometimes.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
There's a Difference in Living and Living Well
Ok, so I've already mentioned the insane fact that Jesus knew that us having the Holy Spirit would be better than Him physically being with us.
And someone may be wondering, ok, this is really cool. I can actually have God living in me. (and even if you already know this...HELLLOO THAT IS AWESOME). But how?
Paul tells us in Acts 2:38:
I wonder if that feeling was the Holy Spirit. I am told that I would receive it, and I don't doubt that one bit. And it was definitely not an earthly feeling. But don't you think there is a difference in "making one's home" and actually "living?" A little less than a year ago, I moved into a dorm for college. The initial moving in can be a really exciting one. Meeting new people, decorating, making things your own. You feel hopeful and excited for your future there. But sometimes, and in my case, things don't go well. Things are not at all like you thought they would be. And although you have made your home there, you are not really living. I think it's the same with the Holy Spirit. I have to maintain things, I have to ask for Him to work in my life, and I have to be willing, not willful. Because just like moving into my dorm room, the beginning was good, but after a while due to other things, I felt like the life was being stifled out of me. I had become stale, and even numb. God is God no matter where we are in our lives. He has done His part, and always does. The Spirit wants to be living and breathing, producing fruit in our lives. But if we don't want the same, if we don't ask for Him to do so, He can't can He? Because God will not violate free will. After all, that was a Gift too.
I hope I said what I wanted to say. Sometimes it's hard for things to really hit me because I have grown up in church my whole life. I have been taught big, important things over and over, and that can make them lose their effect. But please, don't lose the meaning here: the HUGENESS of the fact that we can become alive, with God living in us, and all we have to do (after repentance and baptism) is ASK.
And someone may be wondering, ok, this is really cool. I can actually have God living in me. (and even if you already know this...HELLLOO THAT IS AWESOME). But how?
Paul tells us in Acts 2:38:
"And Peter answered them, Repent (change your views and purpose to accept the will of God in your inner selves instead of rejecting it) and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of and release from your sins; and you shall receive the gift of the Holy Spirit." AMP Bible VersionSo when we are baptized, we receive the Holy Spirit. If you have been baptized, think back to that day. I know for me, I felt like I could conquer the world. I felt invincible, untouchable, and practically glowing with joy. But eventually, that kind of wore off. And then I went back to feeling like I always had. Yes, my actions and thoughts began to change, but I still felt like a normal, young girl.
I wonder if that feeling was the Holy Spirit. I am told that I would receive it, and I don't doubt that one bit. And it was definitely not an earthly feeling. But don't you think there is a difference in "making one's home" and actually "living?" A little less than a year ago, I moved into a dorm for college. The initial moving in can be a really exciting one. Meeting new people, decorating, making things your own. You feel hopeful and excited for your future there. But sometimes, and in my case, things don't go well. Things are not at all like you thought they would be. And although you have made your home there, you are not really living. I think it's the same with the Holy Spirit. I have to maintain things, I have to ask for Him to work in my life, and I have to be willing, not willful. Because just like moving into my dorm room, the beginning was good, but after a while due to other things, I felt like the life was being stifled out of me. I had become stale, and even numb. God is God no matter where we are in our lives. He has done His part, and always does. The Spirit wants to be living and breathing, producing fruit in our lives. But if we don't want the same, if we don't ask for Him to do so, He can't can He? Because God will not violate free will. After all, that was a Gift too.
I hope I said what I wanted to say. Sometimes it's hard for things to really hit me because I have grown up in church my whole life. I have been taught big, important things over and over, and that can make them lose their effect. But please, don't lose the meaning here: the HUGENESS of the fact that we can become alive, with God living in us, and all we have to do (after repentance and baptism) is ASK.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Money, Money, Money
I hate money.
It would be easy to blame the place I live, but that's not really fair I don't suppose.
Nashville is a big city. Full of big, important people who compete to always have the biggest, nicest things. Not necessarily the best, but it definitely has to be better than their neighbor.
I just spent a year at a school that not only costs an arm and a leg, but chocked full of rich people. Many who get large amounts of money put into their bank accounts regularly and buy $100 accessories. Yes, $100 for just. one. accessory.
Maybe this comes with being a college student. That's what I have heard anyway. But the stress over money is the worst stress I have ever felt in my entire life. Nothing seems to be enough. I had a job this past year, and granted I didn't get paid hardly anything, but it was still a job, supplying what I needed. Maybe that's what's causing all this stress now, the fact that I don't have a job in the near horizon, although not from not trying.
I'm not even sure why I need the money either. It's not just for kicks and giggles. It's not just so I can go shopping every week. It's for things that I don't know yet. For the future. For what might come. And that's scary, because to me, that's lacking faith. I pray and pray and attempt to constantly remind myself that God is the Provider of all things. And I KNOW this. I KNOW that He will not let me completely fail, but I also know that my parents cannot supply money to me. And sometimes, it's hard to remember the truth of God's provision when I'm the one giving money to my dad who works two jobs, seven days a week, just so we can barely get by.
Let me end by saying that I realize, now more than ever, the abundance of my blessings. I am in awe of how rich my life and my family's life has been. I have many friends, and know of many other people who are seriously struggling, and I have no idea how they do it. Let me also say that this is not meant to be a "woe is me" or complaint in any way. It is meant to be a sigh of frustration at how much emphasis is placed on money. And lastly, let me say that God is the God of the impossible and I trust in His unwavering support, guidance, and PROVISION.
It would be easy to blame the place I live, but that's not really fair I don't suppose.
Nashville is a big city. Full of big, important people who compete to always have the biggest, nicest things. Not necessarily the best, but it definitely has to be better than their neighbor.
I just spent a year at a school that not only costs an arm and a leg, but chocked full of rich people. Many who get large amounts of money put into their bank accounts regularly and buy $100 accessories. Yes, $100 for just. one. accessory.
Maybe this comes with being a college student. That's what I have heard anyway. But the stress over money is the worst stress I have ever felt in my entire life. Nothing seems to be enough. I had a job this past year, and granted I didn't get paid hardly anything, but it was still a job, supplying what I needed. Maybe that's what's causing all this stress now, the fact that I don't have a job in the near horizon, although not from not trying.
I'm not even sure why I need the money either. It's not just for kicks and giggles. It's not just so I can go shopping every week. It's for things that I don't know yet. For the future. For what might come. And that's scary, because to me, that's lacking faith. I pray and pray and attempt to constantly remind myself that God is the Provider of all things. And I KNOW this. I KNOW that He will not let me completely fail, but I also know that my parents cannot supply money to me. And sometimes, it's hard to remember the truth of God's provision when I'm the one giving money to my dad who works two jobs, seven days a week, just so we can barely get by.
Let me end by saying that I realize, now more than ever, the abundance of my blessings. I am in awe of how rich my life and my family's life has been. I have many friends, and know of many other people who are seriously struggling, and I have no idea how they do it. Let me also say that this is not meant to be a "woe is me" or complaint in any way. It is meant to be a sigh of frustration at how much emphasis is placed on money. And lastly, let me say that God is the God of the impossible and I trust in His unwavering support, guidance, and PROVISION.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Holy Spirit
I have been really curious about the Holy Spirit lately. I finished Crazy Love (GO BUY IT NOW!!), and was fully intending on delving into the writings of C.S. Lewis, when a friend (sweet Hallie) and my own curiosity, as well as a plug at the end of the book, led me to Chan's second book: Forgotten God.
So, I bought it, started it, and am a little annoyed because last night I had a good thought I wanted to write about but thought I was too tired to make sense. So I didn't write it, and now I don't remember what it was! Anyways, I'll try to put together bits and pieces of what I was thinking.
It seems like nothing would be better than the literal, physical presence of Jesus. Seriously, there have been so many times I have wanted this. Even a friend and I discussed this Monday night. I can't touch Jesus. I can't laugh with, cry with, or talk with Jesus. I can laugh to (?) Jesus, cry to Him, and talk to Him, but He is not sitting in front of me where I can see Him. So this is where the Holy Spirit comes in right? I feel like the Spirit has been barely, if ever, mentioned as I grew up. I guess it comes from a lack of understanding, but yet we consider it a part of the Trinity. The Trinity implies that there are 3 parts to God, yet all God. So does that mean that we are assuming the Spirit is less than God? After all, we do ignore it. What would we say if we ignored Jesus, and didn't utilize the avenues and power we have to Him and through Him? That's an insult to what He has done and is doing. So why is it ok to do that with the Holy Spirit?
Jesus told us in John 16 that it is for the best that He go away. He was saying that if He didn't, we would not receive our Advocate, Counselor, Holy Spirit. Basically, He was saying that having the Spirit with us, in us, was better than having Him physically with us. Not only that, but John 14 says that Jesus will send us ANOTHER Advocate. Meaning that the One He sends is like Him!
That Advocate that Jesus sent, which is like Him, is living in us. (1 Corinthians 6:19,20).
So don't you think that we should act differently from the people who don't have Him?
So...why don't we?
So, I bought it, started it, and am a little annoyed because last night I had a good thought I wanted to write about but thought I was too tired to make sense. So I didn't write it, and now I don't remember what it was! Anyways, I'll try to put together bits and pieces of what I was thinking.
It seems like nothing would be better than the literal, physical presence of Jesus. Seriously, there have been so many times I have wanted this. Even a friend and I discussed this Monday night. I can't touch Jesus. I can't laugh with, cry with, or talk with Jesus. I can laugh to (?) Jesus, cry to Him, and talk to Him, but He is not sitting in front of me where I can see Him. So this is where the Holy Spirit comes in right? I feel like the Spirit has been barely, if ever, mentioned as I grew up. I guess it comes from a lack of understanding, but yet we consider it a part of the Trinity. The Trinity implies that there are 3 parts to God, yet all God. So does that mean that we are assuming the Spirit is less than God? After all, we do ignore it. What would we say if we ignored Jesus, and didn't utilize the avenues and power we have to Him and through Him? That's an insult to what He has done and is doing. So why is it ok to do that with the Holy Spirit?
Jesus told us in John 16 that it is for the best that He go away. He was saying that if He didn't, we would not receive our Advocate, Counselor, Holy Spirit. Basically, He was saying that having the Spirit with us, in us, was better than having Him physically with us. Not only that, but John 14 says that Jesus will send us ANOTHER Advocate. Meaning that the One He sends is like Him!
That Advocate that Jesus sent, which is like Him, is living in us. (1 Corinthians 6:19,20).
So don't you think that we should act differently from the people who don't have Him?
So...why don't we?
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Things are starting to make more sense...
And as always, I am BLOWN AWAY by God's provision and the understanding and peace He has given me.
Every night spent on my knees, tears in my eyes, longing to understand what was going on, is coming to an end (I think). There are still some things I don't understand, but I am confident now, more than ever, that God's timing is perfect. And mine is not.
And as always, I am BLOWN AWAY by God's provision and the understanding and peace He has given me.
Every night spent on my knees, tears in my eyes, longing to understand what was going on, is coming to an end (I think). There are still some things I don't understand, but I am confident now, more than ever, that God's timing is perfect. And mine is not.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
The disciples had just seen Jesus do yet another miracle. I wonder if they ever got used to it. I wonder if witnessing the feeding of 5000+ with probably not even enough for two people to enjoy today really hit them or if they just accepted it. Afterwords, Jesus immediately sent his disciples away. Out of the 21 translations I looked at, the chosen word half the time is immediately. The others used words like "right away, straight away, as soon as the meal was over, etc." I sense a moment of urgency. Maybe Jesus needed the apostles to be in the boat at a certain time and he was afraid they would miss it. Maybe he had something he needed to tend to. Interesting... but anyway, it has nothing to do with what I started this for :)
So Jesus sends his disciples away while he does crowd control. All we're told is that he told them to get into a boat and go on ahead of him (depending on your translation I guess). So they're on this boat, not knowing where Jesus is or what he's doing (cause I'd say by now they have just gotten used to doing what he says). Jesus spent some time alone, in fact the whole night, and I bet the disciples were wondering what was going on. I can just picture them sitting around, talking, playing some Go Fish, and then a storm comes. There are descriptions of wind and the waves, both working against the men. Needless to say, they were in danger. So then, as if they're not freaked out enough, they see a "ghost," which turns out to be Jesus himself. Yes, not only does He feed over 5000 people, He also walks on water. Jesus tries to comfort them when Peter speaks up. Basically, he's like, OK, if it's really you, then let me walk on this water (paraphrasing, people). Good ole Peter. I think that he secretly just thought it might be cool to walk on water. But anyway, Jesus tells him to come, and Peter "comes." But once he realizes what he's doing, he seriously freaks out and begins to sink. All until he is rescued by Jesus. Jesus is disappointed, asking why Peter doubted Jesus out of his little faith.
I say all this to say really one point that I have talked about over and over recently. My head is swimming with so many uncertainties lately. And when my preacher, pastor, minister, man in suit, mentioned it tonight, it clicked with me again, as a continuous reminder God knows I need. Peter was all for walking on the water when it was his idea. He brought it up, he wanted to do it. It was his action that got him out of the boat. It was his choice and he was in control of it. But as soon as his feet hit the water, he began relying on something, someone, else. It was out of his control. It was up to Jesus then. Now, Peter is well-known in the church. He was an avid follower of Christ, claiming to never forsake Him (although he would later). So this wasn't someone who was necessarily struggling to trust in Jesus. He did well at first, even walking a little ways. But as soon as he noticed the world around him, out of order, he began to sink. He doubted that he would be ok because he had nothing to do with it. Then, Jesus reached out to save him, wishing he didn't have such small faith. When they got back in the boat, everyone was quick to worship Him now that He had proven Himself to be trustworthy.
When things are in my control, my choice, my actions, I'm ok. But when I can't figure things out, big things, I start to freak out like Peter just a little bit. It becomes really easy to sink when I can't see Jesus "proving himself," or when the wind and the waves come crashing in all around me. I'm still learning.
(Matthew 14).
I have more, but it relates to a different topic so I'll write it later.
So Jesus sends his disciples away while he does crowd control. All we're told is that he told them to get into a boat and go on ahead of him (depending on your translation I guess). So they're on this boat, not knowing where Jesus is or what he's doing (cause I'd say by now they have just gotten used to doing what he says). Jesus spent some time alone, in fact the whole night, and I bet the disciples were wondering what was going on. I can just picture them sitting around, talking, playing some Go Fish, and then a storm comes. There are descriptions of wind and the waves, both working against the men. Needless to say, they were in danger. So then, as if they're not freaked out enough, they see a "ghost," which turns out to be Jesus himself. Yes, not only does He feed over 5000 people, He also walks on water. Jesus tries to comfort them when Peter speaks up. Basically, he's like, OK, if it's really you, then let me walk on this water (paraphrasing, people). Good ole Peter. I think that he secretly just thought it might be cool to walk on water. But anyway, Jesus tells him to come, and Peter "comes." But once he realizes what he's doing, he seriously freaks out and begins to sink. All until he is rescued by Jesus. Jesus is disappointed, asking why Peter doubted Jesus out of his little faith.
I say all this to say really one point that I have talked about over and over recently. My head is swimming with so many uncertainties lately. And when my preacher, pastor, minister, man in suit, mentioned it tonight, it clicked with me again, as a continuous reminder God knows I need. Peter was all for walking on the water when it was his idea. He brought it up, he wanted to do it. It was his action that got him out of the boat. It was his choice and he was in control of it. But as soon as his feet hit the water, he began relying on something, someone, else. It was out of his control. It was up to Jesus then. Now, Peter is well-known in the church. He was an avid follower of Christ, claiming to never forsake Him (although he would later). So this wasn't someone who was necessarily struggling to trust in Jesus. He did well at first, even walking a little ways. But as soon as he noticed the world around him, out of order, he began to sink. He doubted that he would be ok because he had nothing to do with it. Then, Jesus reached out to save him, wishing he didn't have such small faith. When they got back in the boat, everyone was quick to worship Him now that He had proven Himself to be trustworthy.
When things are in my control, my choice, my actions, I'm ok. But when I can't figure things out, big things, I start to freak out like Peter just a little bit. It becomes really easy to sink when I can't see Jesus "proving himself," or when the wind and the waves come crashing in all around me. I'm still learning.
(Matthew 14).
I have more, but it relates to a different topic so I'll write it later.
Friday, May 7, 2010
in this world you will have many troubles...
pray for me friends. I need a lot of understanding in my life right now.
There is a serious battle going on right now. I know I am not alone in this feeling, so I'll try to put words to it for the benefit of others. I feel a lot of pressure, especially right now, to live up to the world's standards. Annoyingly enough, many of you (whoever actually reads this) know that I am having to make the seemingly impossible decision to pick a school to attend in the fall. Even more annoying is the CONSTANT unwanted "advice" I seem to be getting from everyone, even people who don't really know me. More than that, I am feeling pressure to pick a career. My family, people around me, the world at large, wants me to pick a career that will make me a lot of money and keep me COMFORTABLE for the rest of my life. The very thing that sounds disgusting to me. Of course I want my future family to be happy, of course I don't want to have to stress about money, but money isn't everything, believe me. They don't want me to have to sacrifice by being in a job that I may happen to love, but making no money from it. Truth is, working somewhere to make a lot of money where I am miserable IS a sacrifice to me. Paul has taught me to be content no matter where God puts me, but why would I willingly choose something my heart is not calling me to JUST because other people think I should make a lot of money in a steady job later? To me, that is lack of faith. I believe with all of my heart that the Creator of this Universe will provide for me. I WILL NOT worry about something like that when I have no control over it.
I want to be in God's way. In His way so much that I am consumed by Him and can't see my way out.
I want to LOVE everyone, even though "I am sensitive, not cut out for that, and am going to be heartbroken all the time." SO WHAT. That. is. why. I. am. here.
I never want to live in a 2 story house with 2 expensive cars in the driveway, oblivious and comfortable to the hurt of the world around me.
I know that people cannot understand me. Most people do not think like that. It's too "radical". And maybe so, but I believe that those things are what Jesus considered normal. The world around me is pulling me in the opposite direction of the path of God. He knew it would happen, and didn't hesitate to tell us (Matthew 7:13). I can no longer long for understanding from people. I have come to find that my life is going to be a constant battle. A battle for understanding from this world (which really isn't even worth searching for), for understanding from my parents and family, and for understanding for myself. But I run the race, to get the prize at the end.
There is a serious battle going on right now. I know I am not alone in this feeling, so I'll try to put words to it for the benefit of others. I feel a lot of pressure, especially right now, to live up to the world's standards. Annoyingly enough, many of you (whoever actually reads this) know that I am having to make the seemingly impossible decision to pick a school to attend in the fall. Even more annoying is the CONSTANT unwanted "advice" I seem to be getting from everyone, even people who don't really know me. More than that, I am feeling pressure to pick a career. My family, people around me, the world at large, wants me to pick a career that will make me a lot of money and keep me COMFORTABLE for the rest of my life. The very thing that sounds disgusting to me. Of course I want my future family to be happy, of course I don't want to have to stress about money, but money isn't everything, believe me. They don't want me to have to sacrifice by being in a job that I may happen to love, but making no money from it. Truth is, working somewhere to make a lot of money where I am miserable IS a sacrifice to me. Paul has taught me to be content no matter where God puts me, but why would I willingly choose something my heart is not calling me to JUST because other people think I should make a lot of money in a steady job later? To me, that is lack of faith. I believe with all of my heart that the Creator of this Universe will provide for me. I WILL NOT worry about something like that when I have no control over it.
I want to be in God's way. In His way so much that I am consumed by Him and can't see my way out.
I want to LOVE everyone, even though "I am sensitive, not cut out for that, and am going to be heartbroken all the time." SO WHAT. That. is. why. I. am. here.
I never want to live in a 2 story house with 2 expensive cars in the driveway, oblivious and comfortable to the hurt of the world around me.
I know that people cannot understand me. Most people do not think like that. It's too "radical". And maybe so, but I believe that those things are what Jesus considered normal. The world around me is pulling me in the opposite direction of the path of God. He knew it would happen, and didn't hesitate to tell us (Matthew 7:13). I can no longer long for understanding from people. I have come to find that my life is going to be a constant battle. A battle for understanding from this world (which really isn't even worth searching for), for understanding from my parents and family, and for understanding for myself. But I run the race, to get the prize at the end.
"Don’t you realize that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize? So run to win!" 1 Corinthians 9:24
"We are merely moving shadows, and all our busy rushing ends in nothing. We heap up wealth, not knowing who will spend it."
Psalm 39:6
"He ransoms me and keeps me safe from the battle waged against me..."
Psalm 55:18
"We are merely moving shadows, and all our busy rushing ends in nothing. We heap up wealth, not knowing who will spend it."
Psalm 39:6
"He ransoms me and keeps me safe from the battle waged against me..."
Psalm 55:18
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
I am a person of great detail.
A post it note on my door means SO much more to me than a very public post on my facebook wall.
The mom to one of my kids already knowing who I am because her little daughter talks about me means so much more than getting publicly announced as the world's greatest extended day worker.
Someone asking if I'm ok when I am clearly not means so much more than asking one of my friends if I'm ok.
Someone remembering that I have a huge test coming up and wishing me luck means so much more than pretending to care.
I long for people to care about me. I wish I could find a strong enough word for that. My heart is heavy today because of many circumstances, but I am so incredibly tired of wishing people cared. It's not about recognition, although, ashamedly I sometimes make it that way, and it's not about how many friends I have. I would rather have one or two genuine friends who care then have 500 facebook friends who don't even know my favorite color. I struggle with people's intentions anyway, but I have a hard time finding stock in anything people say or do if they don't know the details. It just hurts, that's all there is to it.
Sometimes I wonder, though, if this is just another one of "life's little lessons." When I don't and can't depend on others, God is the only thing I have left to depend on. Maybe that's the point. As much as it hurts to feel alone, I know that God always picks me up when I have fallen. He catches my tears in his bottle and he hurts when I hurt. He is near to the broken hearted. And I have no doubt that this wont last forever. He warms my soul when I sit on my carpet and cry. He puts a smile on my face when it doesn't seem possible. He loves me when I don't love myself. He helps me love those who don't love me. And I know that as much as I long for human companionship sometimes, He is all I want.
Call Your name every day
when I feel so helpless
I've fallen down
but I'll rise above this.
-Rise Above This, Seether.
A post it note on my door means SO much more to me than a very public post on my facebook wall.
The mom to one of my kids already knowing who I am because her little daughter talks about me means so much more than getting publicly announced as the world's greatest extended day worker.
Someone asking if I'm ok when I am clearly not means so much more than asking one of my friends if I'm ok.
Someone remembering that I have a huge test coming up and wishing me luck means so much more than pretending to care.
I long for people to care about me. I wish I could find a strong enough word for that. My heart is heavy today because of many circumstances, but I am so incredibly tired of wishing people cared. It's not about recognition, although, ashamedly I sometimes make it that way, and it's not about how many friends I have. I would rather have one or two genuine friends who care then have 500 facebook friends who don't even know my favorite color. I struggle with people's intentions anyway, but I have a hard time finding stock in anything people say or do if they don't know the details. It just hurts, that's all there is to it.
Sometimes I wonder, though, if this is just another one of "life's little lessons." When I don't and can't depend on others, God is the only thing I have left to depend on. Maybe that's the point. As much as it hurts to feel alone, I know that God always picks me up when I have fallen. He catches my tears in his bottle and he hurts when I hurt. He is near to the broken hearted. And I have no doubt that this wont last forever. He warms my soul when I sit on my carpet and cry. He puts a smile on my face when it doesn't seem possible. He loves me when I don't love myself. He helps me love those who don't love me. And I know that as much as I long for human companionship sometimes, He is all I want.
Call Your name every day
when I feel so helpless
I've fallen down
but I'll rise above this.
-Rise Above This, Seether.
Monday, May 3, 2010
ALL things new.
over 13 inches of rain killed about 15 people in 2 days.
(numbers vary depending on source)
(numbers vary depending on source)
This makes no sense to me. Friday afternoon, someone happened to mention that the weather would be bad this weekend, and my first thought was that I would get to finally wear my new rain boots. I had NO idea what was coming. I had an exam Saturday morning, and because I can never quite sleep through the night, I woke up at about 6 AM and I recall it already raining. About 2 hours later when I actually had to get up, I thought it was really strange that it was still raining. Usually, it rains for a few hours then stops. But since Nashville weather is so ridiculous, I thought nothing more about it.
Saturday carried on, and the rain never stopped. I decided to get away from campus for the night and go help my older sister paint her new house. Still. Raining. It wasn't until I got on the road that I realized how bad it was. The roads just trying to get out of Lipscomb were already flooding, and I was shocked at how quickly it had happened. I finally made it to Valerie's apartment after taking a detour because the road through the Ellington Agricultural Center was flooded so high only the tip of the fences surrounding the fields to the left and right could be seen. I spent all of Saturday and Sunday, waiting the storm out. Valerie and Brandon don't have cable, radio, or internet at the house yet, so we were relying solely off of what people were calling and telling us. I wasn't scared until I was told that 2 storms, both with funnel rotation, were going to hit us until 5 AM Sunday morning. Praying for God to hold us, we finally went to sleep.
I wasn't able to get back to school until about noon this afternoon. We drove around a little bit on Sunday and today to see the damage and it is truly humbling. My family and I are safe and our houses are safe, but there are TOO many who aren't. But regardless, God is good.
He is teaching me a lot lately about "making all things new". This situation is no exception. Today, it was like it had never rained. Driving back to school, it was almost as if nothing had happened. It was only when I looked closely that I noticed any damage. The sun and clouds were out, and it was warm. Just an indication that He is making all things new. The storm does stop. It will stop. And although it wreaked havoc on everything it touched, life comes from devastation. I'm not just talking about some flooding either.
Saturday carried on, and the rain never stopped. I decided to get away from campus for the night and go help my older sister paint her new house. Still. Raining. It wasn't until I got on the road that I realized how bad it was. The roads just trying to get out of Lipscomb were already flooding, and I was shocked at how quickly it had happened. I finally made it to Valerie's apartment after taking a detour because the road through the Ellington Agricultural Center was flooded so high only the tip of the fences surrounding the fields to the left and right could be seen. I spent all of Saturday and Sunday, waiting the storm out. Valerie and Brandon don't have cable, radio, or internet at the house yet, so we were relying solely off of what people were calling and telling us. I wasn't scared until I was told that 2 storms, both with funnel rotation, were going to hit us until 5 AM Sunday morning. Praying for God to hold us, we finally went to sleep.
I wasn't able to get back to school until about noon this afternoon. We drove around a little bit on Sunday and today to see the damage and it is truly humbling. My family and I are safe and our houses are safe, but there are TOO many who aren't. But regardless, God is good.
He is teaching me a lot lately about "making all things new". This situation is no exception. Today, it was like it had never rained. Driving back to school, it was almost as if nothing had happened. It was only when I looked closely that I noticed any damage. The sun and clouds were out, and it was warm. Just an indication that He is making all things new. The storm does stop. It will stop. And although it wreaked havoc on everything it touched, life comes from devastation. I'm not just talking about some flooding either.
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