the slow work of God.

Above all, trust in the slow work of God.
We are, quite naturally,
Impatient in everything to reach the end
without delay.
We should like to skip
the intermediate stages.
We are impatient of being
on the way to something unknown,
something new.
And yet it is the law of all progress
that it is made by passing through
some stages on instability--
And that it may take a very long time.

And so I think it is with you.
Your ideas mature gradually--
let them grow,
let them shape themselves,
without undue haste.
Don't try to force them on,
as though you could be today
what time (that is to say, grace and circumstances
acting on your own good will)
will make you tomorrow.

Only God could say what this new spirit
gradually forming within you will be.
Give our Lord the benefit of believing
that his hand is leading you,
and accept the anxiety of
feeling yourself in suspense and incomplete

-Teilhard de Chardin

let them shape themselves,
let them grow,
Your ideas mature gradually--
And so I think it is with you.

Vulnerable! Ahhh!

Vulnerability is not something I do. Seriously, it takes a lot for me to share certain things with people. Even things that most are not that hesitant to share, I don't. Not because I want to be secretive or whatever, but because I don't trust people very easily. And I ALWAYS question people's intentions. Just comes from a lot of bad experiences. And if, by chance, I happen to be somewhat transparent with you, it must mean that I deem you worthy to tell things to. But even then, I usually get screwed over.

But today at breakfast I was just amazed. I decided a while ago to try to make myself totally vulnerable to God. It wasn't easy, it took a while, and I'm still working on it. But the more and more I become transparent with Him, the more He blesses me. I can't even really wrap my head around it, so I can't really find the words for it either. What I kept going back to was it's like I'm waiting to be let down. Unfairly, I sometimes treat God as a fallen human. I'm just waiting to be disappointed and hurt when I choose to even give a little of myself away.
But He never lets me down.
He always remains faithful.
And I don't understand it at all

"If we are unfaithful, He remains faithful, for he cannot deny who He is."
2 Timothy 2:13

Faithfulness

Yesterday was a strange day indeed. Something changes in me when the rain comes.
After raining all day, there was about an hour break between 6 and 7 PM. A friend and I were outside on the porch of Elam waiting for a ride. I always notice the clouds, but this time they were different. It was so cool to see the blue sky blotted here and there with streaks of white cloud. The wind was blowing pretty hard, and as I continued to watch, I saw some dark clouds coming from the right. They were threatening to ruin the beautiful sight. But because the wind was blowing, the dark clouds blew in front of the white ones: disappearing almost as quickly as they had come. The white stayed put while the black passed on.

Such an obvious promise of God's faithfulness, something I think I needed at that moment. The white stays put, and the black passes on.

Quiet Mouse

I've been quiet this week. Generally, my mind never turns off. No kidding, I sometimes wake up with songs in my head with no idea how they got there. Most often, songs I haven't heard in a while. I'm always bombarded with thoughts, and if I don't write them down when I have them, they are gone. My mind moves onto something else.

But Sunday night was kind of a rough one for me. I was drenched by a wave of overwhelmingness. I had a moment of utter uncertainty and loss. More than that, I was just mad. Mad that I couldn't seem to get things together. I went to sleep that night with those feelings in my heart. I just sat there looking at God (figuratively speaking, obviously). All I knew to do was cut open my heart and expose all my fears and all the things I couldn't speak to the One who knows me already.

Monday morning brought peace. And that peace has continued all the way to today. When I woke up Monday, the tears that threatened to fall Sunday night were left behind. I didn't even have a headache. It's like working out really hard and the next day you kind of feel it. Your legs hurt from all the pressure they took, but the work out is over. I had a sense that something had happened, but my work out was over. I was quiet. I just knew that everything would be ok.

I still can't really get over it. I don't know how to put it into human words. Granted, no one around me probably even recognized a difference, but my soul felt rest. I've mentioned before the importance of silence to me. It was like I finally got a glimpse of that this week. Normally, I am always reading something or watching videos or talking to mentors about different spiritual stuff. But this week, I was able to just rest at the feet of Jesus. To just Be Still. and Know.
I don't know what will happen to me emotionally/spiritually once school is over. I have found God in so many ways that I hadn't before since I've been here, and it will be difficult to transition that into other places; even to my own home. I don't know what my future holds. I don't know what I will be doing with my life in even 1 year. But...everything will be ok.

I have read these words over and over since the first time I read them on Tuesday. I invite you to invite them into your heart. Don't just read, but believe.

"Do not be afraid, for I am with you. Hear me saying Peace, Be Still to your restless heart. No matter what happens, I will never leave or forsake you. Let this assurance soak into your mind and heart, until you overflow with Joy. Though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, you need not fear!"
-Jesus Calling

Overflow with Joy, indeed. How can anything be better?
Just love God today. Sit at his feet. I know that most days there is so much I want to say. But don't be afraid to just be quiet for a day. Don't feel pressured by humans to fulfill a certain "prayer requirement" or even a "scripture requirement". God wants you to just be still. Just rest. Just know.

You are the God who sees me.

Our journey seemed like it was taking a lot longer than expected. I couldn't remember where we were, but it sure was taking a long time to get to where we were going. We had passed through countless villages at this point, and I was ready to be rid of all the walking and load bearing. But we were staying in this town for longer than usual. Usually, we would just pass through for the night, asking for a place to stay. But we had already been here for 2 days, and daddy said it may be another 3 until we left. There was something he wanted to see.

I was supposed to stay in the house that day. Because we had stayed with this family for so long, I had been used as a maid for the house. I didn't mind, it was fun to play along with the kids of the house as we prepared meals and tidied up the dirt floor. But that day was different. There was something going on in the streets. Something my parents didn't want me to see, but something they couldn't not see themselves. Well, that made me want to go even more. Making my way through the crowd, I stood at the very front, right where the people had parted to make a small path. I still didn't know what was going on, but I was intrigued by the different kinds of people I saw. Some were angry, yelling things that I couldn't quite understand. Some were crying, and some, like me, were simply standing in amazement. I was jerked to attention when I heard someone yell, "Here he comes!" Looking to my left, I saw the top of what looked like a plank of wood. How strange, I thought. Why would such a large crown gather to watch someone carry wood? People were pushing against me now, and I was confused and getting frustrated. Why were so many people yelling at this man? And why was no one helping him carry his wood? It looked pretty heavy. I don't think my daddy would have even been able to carry that.

He got closer to me, and his wounds were impossible to hide. I grew angry because it looked like he had been attacked by a wild animal with no one to help him. His bones were poking through in his back, and his hands were no longer visible through the blood, which also streamed down his face into his mouth. Suddenly, he fell, and someone close by kicked him, forcing him to get up. My stomach lurched as I threw up what was left of my breakfast that morning, watching the dirt seep into his cuts, causing him to let out a small cry. I thought my heart might burst out of my body as I silently cheered him on, willing him to get up just so they would leave him alone. He finally did get up, taking only tiny steps at a time under the impossible load he was commissioned to bear.

He was only 2 feet away now. I needed to see this man's face. I didn't know why, or how that would even be possible due to all the people around him, but I would do all I could to get that chance. I wasn't sure he would even be able to see me because there was so much dried blood around his eyes, only worsened from the loose dirt he fell on. Finally, he was in front of me. Shifting the weight on his back, he turned his head and opened his eyes, looking right into mine. I blinked, because I didn't think this could be real, and when I opened my eyes again, suddenly I was the only person there. I knew I was alone, but I could not redirect my gaze from his. His eyes were big and full of agony. But underneath was something that could not be hidden. Overwhelming, simple, understanding love. He smiled, and my heart broke as I fell to my knees. "I see you. I love you, my child." I wept, closed my eyes, and reached out to wipe the blood from his.

When I opened them again, the mob surrounded me and he had already walked on.

Great Expectations

I love God so much. How can I not? This morning, laying in bed, my mind was drawn to so many avenues of healing my Savior has brought to me. So many ways that I didn't even know He was working. But of course He was, and is, and forever will be.
Please pray for the babies in Honduras. I follow Mission Lazarus on Tumblr and Jarrod Brown, the
"head guy" down there, has been posting a few messages about the struggle some kids are having. I can't imagine. These little souls, more times than not, cannot control their circumstances. But our God is mighty to save and the most powerful thing in the whole earth holds these tiny beings in His arms.

There is something that I always struggle with with God. Sometimes I get a case of amnesia and forget that God loves me so much and that NOTHING I do would ever be enough to reach him. Sitting at breakfast the other day, I realized that these rebellious thoughts I sometimes subconsciously have stem from how I grew up: with many, many high expectations. Not just from people around me, but from myself. I'm very competitive and push myself to be the best in what I do. Well, that's all fine and good, but it doesn't work when it comes to my relationship with God. I get discouraged when I find myself slipping or feeling like I'm not "doing enough". Such as studying the bible enough, praying about certain things enough, the list goes on. Well, as always, I wanted to figure this out. It's an awful feeling. Most of the time, I just want to talk to God. I love finding new treasures in the bible, but hate feeling like I have to read "a chapter a day" or something. I LOVE talking to God, but hate feeling like there's a check list I have to bring before Him.

"while we were still sinners" Romans 5:8
He chose me while I was still a sinner. Christ died for me.
-this alone alleviates the stress of trying to be SuperChristian. He already wants me. He chose me when I wasn't even trying to live for Him.
read that until you believe it.
Romans 5:20-as people sin more, God's grace increases. (see 6:1-2, though)
Romans 8:1-2: the Spirit frees us from sin
Romans 3:20- no one can ever be made right by doing what the "law" commands-it simply shows how sinful we are.
EVERYTHING to us is a choice:
--we choose to follow God
--we choose to follow Him daily
--we choose to die to sin daily, living for Him
--we choose to obey
--we choose to listen
He has made his choice, and He lets us make ours.
His expectations are out of love. He knows that if people don't murder, it will be better for everyone. Think about when people steal from you. Is that a good thing? I hate lying more than maybe anything. I'm glad God knew that it would not be good for His children to lie to one another. But even those things are not forced upon you. You can choose to murder, steal, and lie, but would your life be any better? I think I used to find God's expectations as constricting. Just more rules I had to follow. But now, and thanks to a friend who helped me come to this realization, I know that God does these things out of love. He is Sovereign, knowing what a fulfilled life looks like.

The expectations he has for his followers is a choice, too. (Go into all the world...love your neighbor...) We don't have to choose to be a follower of His so we don't have to choose to do those things.
He wants us, so He wants us to, but He will never make us love him the way he loves us...already.

This was an emotional piece for me.

I feel kind of somber right now.
Have you ever looked back on something, or someone, and it feels like it was forever ago? It may have been only a month, maybe only a day, but you look back on things, how they were, and you get somber.

Serving Leftovers to a Holy God.

*Disclaimer: I've been wrestling with things lately that most people find uncomfortable. They don't want to talk about and are perfectly content with the "box-God" they have created. If that's what you choose, that's what you choose. I am not making you read what I write. If you are upset by what I say, maybe you should further examine yourself...or just stop reading :) I don't feel like I should have to explain myself, but I am simply a follower of Christ trying to figure out what that actually means. Don't say I didn't warn you...


Let me start this by saying that anyone who hasn't read Crazy Love by Francis Chan is seriously missing out. But be warned, it will give you a much needed slap in the face.
I'm not really sure where to begin with this. Since I have begun reading this book, I have really examined my life. It is disheartening to find what I have found sometimes. But it leads me to greater things through Christ, and for that I am thankful. So, it's been especially difficult to put into words the way I've been feeling without blasting people :) or sounding hypocritical. I'm going to try to put some things on here, but it's thoughts that I've written down over a period of time, so I don't know how cohesive it will be. Or short for that matter, haha.
I will also say that I am speaking to myself. Y'all just happen to be reading it. If you take anything from it, that's even better!

How come I have always associated "lukewarmness" with Christianity?
In Revelation 3, Jesus is speaking to a church, but that doesn't mean they are right with Him. Does being "spit out" mean that they could have been a part of His kingdom? Would Jesus really want people to be a part of Him whom he deems unworthy enough to spit out?
"wretched, pitiful, poor, blind, naked" (you will have to read the passage to understand.)
Describing Jesus' followers? Saints?
The word Christian is just a word. It means nothing if there is no devotion. Teacher means nothing without someone willing to teach. Would you consider a person never coming to class or giving assignments living out the proper descriptions of a teacher?
I can't be a careful Christian and expect a place with Christ some day.
Does it make sense the way we live?
Do you really, really, truly believe that God wants us to lead such a "careful" life while living for Him?
We are sooo careful to not love Jesus too much. That would make us radical.
We are sooo careful to not talk about the Spirit working and moving in us. Are you really going to fight against the words of Jesus? (Mark 1:8, Mark 12:36, John 14:26 among others...)
We are so careful not to read or apply the verses that we don't want to follow. That couldn't be meant for us, right? Wrong. Since when could anyone go to college without turning in all the applications? Since when could one be a part of the military without doing all the work? It doesn't make sense. So why do we SO often make it acceptable to only partially do the work of a "Christian"?
I look to missionaries, preachers, and bible scholars to teach and live in ways that Christ called ALL of his followers to do.
We sit in our pews and are COMFORTABLE with the fact that we are STAGNANT.
Not moving, growing, or learning. Only dying.
We quiet the people who are so in love with Christ they can't stand it because it makes US uncomfortable.
I must have missed the verse that says we are to limit our love for Christ.
Think about how you worship for a second.
Now think about how you would worship if Christ was sitting next to you, or even in the same room. Would you sit in your pew, blankly staring ahead, moving your lips to the tune of the song?
Or would you rejoice, dwelling on thoughts of Jesus, letting Him move you to worship?
Would Jesus be happy with how we worship him?
Reluctantly stale?
Why do we think we are the good soil from the parable of the sowers in Matthew 13?
What makes us think we have it all right?
Why do we think it's ok to put a constraint on how much we can love and how to worship God?
I don't get it.
and I shudder at the thought of how much of my life was spent that way.
in COMPLACENCY.
Do you really believe God made us to serve when we want, costing us nothing, try not to sin because we are scared of hell, not because we truly love Him, and only partially follow what He says?
"The thought of a person calling himself a 'Christian' without being a devoted follower of Christ is absurd." -Crazy Love
If I lost my faith, would my life be any different? Would it look any different?
Would yours?

Half-hearted, complacent, "that doesn't apply to me," "I must have it right because I go to a church of Christ" living is LUKEWARM.
God is spittin' you out.

The rest of the story becomes difficult to tell and make sense of. Partly because I'm living it out right now, and partly because I feel that I was broken. As a fragile clay jar (2 Corinthians 4), I was broken and God stepped in, filling me up and piecing me back together: the way He wants. I'm still being pieced together; hence, I'm telling His story. And since I am a human, I don't fully understand God's ways or God's story for me (Isaiah 55:8), making it difficult to tell!

Now that that's out of the way...

Christmas break was a huge turning point for me. I feel like I was at a fork in the road in SO many things, but specifically with God. I could either do it His way, or I could do it my way. But there could no longer be an in between. I was going to have to decide which way I felt was most beneficial. Given my track record, I think it was pretty obvious to me which way I needed to go. I've always had "problems" with turning my mind off sometimes, but now, it was like stepped up 15 levels. My mind went non-stop with thoughts about God. I guess the only way I know how to describe it is say you see something so unbelievably magnificent, so mind blowing for the first time. You see this incredible thing from which you are left speechless, but you only get a glimpse. Then, you are left to explore and desire to find out more. In many ways, it was as if I was seeing God for the first time. I began to go full-force, even making a mini business out of selling shoes for Christ. (hahaha). I still wasn't quite ready to come back to school, but I could not even recognize the person I was. It was like night and day. I had gained patience, willingness, strength, diligence, and HOPE.

I'm still on that road. EVERY DAY I find out more about God, and my only desire is to be with Him and for Him and love Him more and more every day.

I have written down very specific reasons as to why I am a Christian whenever I think about it, which I suppose I could put on here if you want, but I'm also a firm believer that everyone's story is different, and everyone needs to find that story. You're story won't match mine, and the reasons I am a Christian cannot be your reasons (some of them wouldn't even make sense for you anyway!)

The main thing is that you know why. The thing I'm growing to hate is when people do things or fight for things when they have no idea why they are doing that. Please know why. Take the time to search. Write it down if you need to. But please, don't go through life any longer not knowing why you are doing what you are doing.
And if you are not a Christian, I encourage you to search and piece your story together. Talk to me, talk to SOMEONE. I love you, and I want to be a part of you putting your story together

Thanksgiving came shortly after that. While at school, as a sort of self-defense, I had become numb. That's the only way I know how to explain it. I built walls, shut my true self out, and just got through things. The life I once lived had been stifled out of me, and I couldn't even see it. But when I was away, when I was at home, I couldn't hide anymore. The walls were broken and my true self was exposed. And it was not pretty. I was desolate. I was devastated. The light was gone from my eyes and from my heart, and I hadn't the slightest idea how to get it back. Or how to get it in the first place. That week seems like a blur to me. I refuse to look back in my prayer journal and regular journal to get input on that week, so I'm just going by what I can remember about the way things were. (Negativity can just stay squished in between those pages). Once I was back at school, I just held onto the fact that I only had about a week until Christmas break. Well, got through all my exams, and finally got to Christmas break. The feelings that I was really surprised to meet during Thanksgiving only came on stronger during Christmas. I was forced to let my feelings come to the surface, and it was scary. Scary what I knew all along, and scary of what I had never been aware of. I tried to take a step back, almost just step out of my life and unlearn everything I had tried to learn about God the whole semester. Maybe even my whole life. Thoughts of where I was, where I was going, where I wanted to be, and where I wanted to go would not leave me alone. It would take me hours to go to sleep and even when I did fall asleep, I woke up every few hours.

Eventually, I think the light broke through. After a very difficult car ride, where I thought my heart was literally breaking, and one very scary prayer on the bathroom floor, I think the light hit me. Uncontrollably and all consumingly hit me. I just didn't know it quite yet...

After that I did a lot of talking at God. I think I was angry for a while. Angry that I knew nothing about God, or so I felt. I felt like I had truly missed the mark. School started shortly after the night I already talked about, and that only escalated my already heightened feelings of discontent. I was thrown into a situation that I was totally, absolutely, and completely unsure of and uncomfortable with. I was forced to go to school and act like things were normal when my family had been ripped apart, everyone I had grown up with was going different directions, I had NO idea what I wanted to do with my life, and worse of all...I was living in darkness. Sure, God was always there and I always pretended, but I was in utter darkness. Not hard to fall into when the rug gets pulled out from under you. It was like I had nothing to hope for. No reason to wake up in the morning, and I didn't know anything about this "joy" that I, as a Christian, was supposed to be experiencing. I was hateful, bitter, and desperate for something else. I was dealing with waaaay too many changes for one person to deal with at one time and I had absolutely no idea how to pray. (looking back it's obvious how insane my thoughts were. but that's what got me here; so, it gets told.) I think my carpet saw more tears than it will ever see in those few weeks and months of the beginning of school. I would fall to my knees, face to the ground, and cry out, figuratively and literally, to God. There was a huge, gaping black hole in my soul that I tried to fill with so many different things. And all the while, God was gently whispering his desire for me, waiting for me to step back and let him and him alone fill that hole...

In the Beginning...

"Let's start at the very beginning. A very good place to start..."
-Good ole Sound of Music.

Well, I've already shared a snippet of my baptism, which I suppose is (or should be) the beginning of my story, but that's not where I'm going to start. I was born and raised going to church and taught to do the right things, but somewhere along the way the path that my parents, friends, teachers, and adults around me paved turns into gravel; leaving me to do the paving.

And I'm sure there were many devos and individual talks that stirred something in me, but nothing quite like the story I'm going to tell. (Which, by the way, I will go ahead and say that I don't believe that any one person or "talk" can all of a sudden turn me to God. I believe that God plants the seeds and uses other means to get my attention sometimes. Matthew 13).

And so it begins. I hesitate to share this story just because of the ego this person will probably get ;)
This past summer I met a guy. I'll leave it at that. One night, he came over to my house to spend some time with me. He brought with him a movie by Rob Bell, one that he wanted to get my opinion on. He sat on the couch, and I sat on the edge of my dad's green chair. We would stop the movie periodically to talk about what we had just heard or watched, and I was so blown away. One thing I will always remember about it is the idea of "Yip." When the movie was over, all I did was slump back in the chair and smile. I can't remember that part for sure, but it's very likely. I remember being at a complete loss of words though. It was like he was wanting me to expound on this or talk deeply about what he had just shared with me, but I was dumbfounded. Absolutely and completely at a loss for words. But I remember something so well. Something that I will never ever forget. (We must have switched seats? Because when I thought this I know I was sitting on the couch and he was in the chair. But it didn't start out that way...) I knew right then, that I wanted to be a missionary. Because of this video, because of this boy, I wanted to share God with EVERYONE. I wanted to do it right then, and I wanted him to be there.

I had never had that thought before. The God that I had kept in my "safe-box" was shaken and destroyed. He became real to me. He came alive for the first time maybe since I had been baptized.


That one night changed my whole course to this very day...

my heart is spilling...

Christian.


I have called myself that for a little over six years now, but I've never really stopped to think about why I am. I remember the day I called my mom and told her I wanted to be baptized like it was yesterday. My best friend at the time had been talking to me about how she was going to be baptized and before that, I hadn't seriously considered it. Something about someone that close to you making such a huge decision effects you. So I began to study and think about it on my own. And one day, I just knew. I called my mom at work and on Saturday night, February 28th (it was a leap year that year. Would have been cool to be born again on February 29th :)), I was baptized. I remember honestly thinking that I was invincible. That the world was about to be conquered by me for Christ.

It's been an uphill battle since then, but I have remained a "Christian" to this day. (The quotes are there for the times when I wasn't truly being a Christian). Although, to be honest, I don't really consider myself a true Christian, however you want to interpret that, until this year.

For some reason I feel really compelled to share my story. Parts of it, no one knows, and I'm not sure I'll even be able to share it. But nonetheless, I feel it's extremely important. This day, the meaning of it, is the reason I am who I am. Why I do what I do. And I owe it ALL to the One who saved my life. Maybe that's why I want to share. To show the wretch I was, I am, and how only One could create in me New Life.

I'll have to do this in several posts. Otherwise, you would get really tired of reading a 15 page book ;)

Oh man.

Last night, about 1 in the morning, as I was laying in bed and sleep was far from me, I wept.

I suppose it really all started when I was thinking about this day today: Good Friday. I have never celebrated this day before, but I was lying there thinking about what it meant. About the sacrifice Jesus knowingly made for ME, and also for the entire world. For people who hated him, mocked him, and worst of all, who neglected him.

The more I thought about it, the harder it was for me to keep my composure. My heart literally hurt. It was the strangest thing. I couldn't catch my breath and I had to put my hand on my chest for fear that my heart might actually burst out of it. It wasn't long until the tears came, and came, and came. I was uncontrollably crying for HOW MUCH I don't deserve what He did and does for me. I was sick with how awful I treat him. How ashamed of him I sometimes act. How much I don't listen and how incredibly selfish I am. I would start to get it together, and then I would think about it again and lose it all over again. Once the tears eventually did stop, all I wanted to do was text everyone and tell them how amazing and wonderful My Savior is.

Please, please don't let this day end without falling on your knees in relentless thanksgiving and love for the one who SAVED YOUR LIFE and continues to save you every day. Without that sacrifice, NOTHING you or I do could be possible.


O Father hold me in your arms. Jesus hold my hand. I want to live and love you FOREVER.

God is good.
I am not.

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
Romans 5:8