Make Way!

How come we feel like we can't ever sit still?
As spring break approaches, I realize how desperately I need it. Why? Because I am frazzled, exhausted in every aspect, and burnt out. Why's that? Because I have OVER-LOADED myself. If I have an ounce of downtime, that's just time to add more things to do. And I know entirely too many people who live the exact same way.

Something is so so wrong with this. I have given myself so much to do, that I no longer find room to just THINK. Even writing is becoming difficult. I have to squeeze these writings in, often struggling for things to write without just repeating the same thing post after post, even if it is how I am feeling.
I write witty papers, often full of information just taking up space, take detailed notes, and participate in classes. Ritual.
I go to work, tell kids to go down the slide the right way, sit those deserving in time out, tie countless shoes, and deal with problems without actually even attempting to care. Ritual.
Come back, eat, homework, study, read, hang out, sleep. RITUAL.
I guess I really realized this when I was with my Little on Tuesday morning. We were sitting there playing Connect 4 and all I could think about was if I wanted to get coffee when I got back to school! I was there physically, but mentally, I was already onto the next thing I had to get done.

Wasn't signing up for BBBS supposed to be fullfilling, not burdensome?
Isn't school supposed to be a time to grow, learn, and experience, not just get through?
Aren't Y.E.S, PKS, and work supposed to be enjoyable experiences that I CHOOSE to do, not just "another thing to do?"
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
These things are fulfilling and enjoyable, but because I have created NO space in my mind for myself, they have become horrors. Things that were supposed to bring me joy often leave me cranky and tired, full of complaints. I like to go to the cafeteria or Starbucks in the morning to sit and read some Psalms or something. It seems to be the only 20 minutes of my day where I don't have any responsibilities. Yet, even this is turning into 15 minutes...10... and eventually, it will turn into something that I may do occasionally. I used to look forward to starting my day in this way, but now that I am staying up later and doing more work, those few minutes of sleep I am missing really irritate me some mornings.
And that is so sad. First, that I have carved out only 20 minutes of a whole 24 hours where I personally dedicate my time to my Love, and secondly that I am slowly letting it dwindle away.

And I personally feel that all this craziness starts when we decide to live our lives for everyone else. It is incredibly ironic really. Doing things for yourself, such as taking a break to read or spend time alone or do something enjoyable or nice for yourself is portrayed as selfishness. Because you are not out there busting your tail, making yourself unhappy, cranky, and eventually crazy all for the sake of someone else's happiness, you are not doing what is right. I am not saying that we should wholly live our lives for ourselves, never thinking of others, but it is evident that if we don't take care of ourselves there is NO WAY we can adequately take care of others.

I wonder what God is thinking when he sees us making ourselves so busy, leaving no room for Him or for ourselves.

If I can't even hear my own voice, how am I supposed to hear God's?


I found God today in that: I have got to STOP being so busy, even when it isn't convenient.