A few nights ago I was sitting in my bed crying. I was scared and sad because I had no idea why I was experiencing a certain physical illness. I had felt this way before around this time, but before it was different. I guess before, I had been aware that I was hurting. Before, I had prayed for comfort and peace with the situation. But this time, I was just sitting and reading, as I always did, and I must have glanced at a drawing, or maybe it was something I read... Nonetheless, I started crying. I didn't pray, I didn't wish that I had someone to talk to (as I had before), I just sat and quietly cried. Not 5 minutes later, 3 girls knocked on my door. These girls NEVER came to my room. In fact, we hadn't really talked that much lately. Not because there was an issue between us, we just led three busy lives I guess. They had come to see my nose ring. That was it. And they find me sitting on my bed, crying. Well, they talked to me and consoled me, and I felt so incredibly better.
That wasn't in my drawing. If I were, alone, drawing my life on that butcher paper (on a previous post if you're confused), I would not have included that.
What do I do with that? At the time, I unmistakeably knew it was God. And I still think it was, I'm just trying to fit all my thoughts together.
Romans 8:26: "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."
This turns into a topic that many people don't want to discuss: the Holy Spirit. If you ask me, the Spirit was working that night.
If indeed I color my own life, with God's guidance and presence, it would be difficult to say that He had that planned. That he knew I would be upset, needing people to talk to. Sometimes, though, when I am coloring, I don't have the right colors. Kids will ask me if what they drew looks good, and sometimes they will even ask which colors to use. The colors they picked out don't always look right together; therefore, they need different ones. They don't have the capacity to always know what looks the best together. I believe that God works in that way, too.
But that night, I didn't say anything to Him.
That night, I was just hurting. And I (think) believe that the Holy Spirit, not God (although the Spirit is God...) was the One working.
Sigh...
I found God today in that: I am still finding him
Things tip me over a lot. I just want to cry. I do, alone of course. I don't know why I cry.
ReplyDeleteBut what if no one comes?
Where are they?
My sweet Syd, if only you knew how much I cried these days.
ReplyDeleteSometimes they don't come. I've had plenty of moments when they didn't. I think those moments are the most important. There are times, like in this instance where I couldn't even cry out to God anymore, that we are not strong enough to face things on our own. God, the Spirit, intervenes and we are able to press on. But for the times we are left alone, at least in our sense of being alone, that's a time to inwardly reflect. I feel that those times, God knows you are strong enough. You can pull yourself up and you WILL be ok. If you look inside, you will make it. It doesn't make it easy by any means, but God will never ever leave you alone, even if others do. Even if others don't come.