I am Responsible.

How do I even begin to say what I feel in my heart...

A little over a year ago today, I made the decision to go to Lipscomb University. The forms, paperwork, money, and housing, were sent and set up for a totally different college. But something, for some reason, turned my face towards Lipscomb. Not because of the boyfriend I had at the time, although some felt that way, and I even attributed it to that at one point, and not because of any other reason I could conjure up. In fact, I had GUARANTEED myself that I would NOT go to Lipscomb. But something in me knew I needed to go there. God was with me, beginning his chiseling.

Last summer proved to be the toughest. Lots of situations landed me wanting to be anywhere other than where I was. Especially going to Lipscomb. But God was there, and he had bigger and better plans for me, although my eyes were so blinded from them. A few months into things, and I wanted to be a missionary. I had NEVER had this thought before and if I had, it was of how tough that would be and how much I DIDN'T want that. After all, the 2.5 kids, big house, and high-paying job was already laid out for me, and why I was at college. God was with me, and He had other plans. And that's why I had come to Lipscomb.

Time passed, and the confusing dream and feeling grew dimmer. I had almost talked myself out of it, convincing myself that that was way too difficult. I could NOT handle being around children and people that were sick, dying, hurting, and maybe did not even WANT to know Jesus. That is way too much. I needed to leave that to people who have thicker skin than me. People who don't have quite so much to sacrifice (I know, right.) Because that's what it came down to for me. My parents, the ones who I am just now learning to have a relationship with, will not approve. They will be mad, upset, and quite frankly refuse this. That means I'll have to give up my friends and those around me that I love. I wouldn't be able to even TALK to them maybe. And no more Dr. Pepper. That's just too much. Right? This selfish thought of satan attempted to trample God's ever present whisper of otherwise.

And here I sit, March 18th, sure of NOTHING. Maybe it's because of how much I have read Katie Davis's blog. Maybe it's all the trip planning for Honduras that I'm currently doing. Maybe I'm going crazy? But God's whisper is no longer a whisper. Because even if I don't act God's whisper out, it does NOT go away. Even if, all my live-long years, I choose not to live the life God wants for me, it will ALWAYS be there. An ever-present and lost desire.
I sat in my bathroom, heart pounding, questioning God. Are you SURE? Is this REALLY you talking, or am I just envisioning an unrealistic mission field? Me? Really? You know the length of my patience. It ended yesterday. You know how tender my heart is. You know how much I mess up. You know how little I rely on you sometimes, and how irritatingly independent I can be. You know how long it takes me to learn some things, and how much I should keep my mouth shut sometimes. You KNOW how much I hurt for children and people I do not even know. WHY ME.
"I know the plans I have for you..." Jeremiah 29:11
And over and over in my head, all I could think about was Moses. Moses questioned God 5 times in Exodus 3 and 4. Is he nuts?! He kept protesting. I'm not good enough! I don't speak like some of other people I've heard! I've never won a contest with my writings. I've never saved anyone's life, in fact I TOOK a life (Exodus 2). I have a life here, I have to go to school, I love Dr. Pepper too much, I can't leave my friends and family! I can't leave the woman I love (I obviously added these things for effect ;))
And God said NO. I want you. "I will be with you."
What is left for me to protest? Faith without deeds is dead. James 2:26. Now that I have seen, I am responsible. Brooke Fraser's Albertine.
I. am. responsible.
I can NO longer drown out, water down, or downright ignore God's voice.
Pray for me friends because this is a world-battle I'm not sure I'm prepared to take on. But God is WITH ME. The One who sits on His holy throne CARES enough to whisper to me until He gets my attention. And even then, to NEVER let go of me.


My dear, precious Savior...help. You have set your plan upon my heart and as much as I try, I can no longer ignore you. I don't know where this will lead me or who it will lead me to, but Father I pray that you will NO LONGER make me content. I want what YOU want. I know that I don't always act like this. I argue, and even physically fight back against you in the way of sin. I don't want that life anymore. I want you. and I want you to consume me with your love and your plan, so much so that I can no longer recognize who I once was. But you know me. You know how difficult this will be for me. I pray for never ending patience and wisdom. Wisdom to see what you want me to see, o Father PLEASE make it clear, and wisdom to recognize suffering as discipline and chiseling. Patience, strength, and courage to give up my cross DAILY and take up yours. To die to myself every day, over and over, so that I can be aligned with yours. Thank you for taking notice, for bending down to hear me, and for holding me ever so tightly by the hand.

*Father I pray for him. Only you know how much it hurts. I love him, I want him, and I want him with me on this life journey to find what you want for me. But that's not your plan right now, and I fervently pray that you will make me ok with that. You have already granted me such peace, a peace that can only come from you, and I ask and KNOW you will grant him the same peace. The peace that he so longs for. I pray that you will not only grant him this peace with You, with me, with another relationship, but I pray that you will DROWN him in your love and blessing. So much so that he cannot see his way out of You. I pray he never does. If it is your will for us to meet again on this road later, I REJOICE. And if not, I REJOICE. You have made me SO much better through this angel that touched my life, if only for a year. I hope he knows that this LIVE relationship with you was sparked by him. I hope he knows how much I admire him for his life and faith. If not, I pray you will put that on his heart. Father hold him in your arms, keep him safe, not only from his sport, but throughout all of his life. Help him to never forget how much I love him, think about him, and pray for him. But MORE importantly, how much YOU love him, think about him, and watch over him.
Through all and IN all, Amen.