does anyone else get tired of trying?
i went running early yesterday morning for the sole reason of talking to God. i want to feel Him close to me to the point that He is undeniable. i want Him as the reason for all i do. the reason i decide to change majors, the reason i decide not to date a certain guy, the reason i live. and every day, yes, we talk. i come to Him with many things, both big and small, and i try to look to His word for refreshment, but it doesn't feel like it's enough.
i cannot convince myself that i was meant to live this way.
that although i speak to Him regularly and read what He wants me to know, my life is generally the same as everyone else around me, largely unnoticed as being different at all. i yearn for more. i wake up, knowing something is not right. i also know that it is not enough for me to just know something's not right, i have to do something about it.
but what?

Living inside yourself.

The Father is teaching me a lot about the art of being alone lately.
I have had to learn the incredibly difficult lesson of "living inside myself" this past year and a half. It's not fun and it's by no means easy. "Living inside yourself" means being ok with the fact that we all go through times of being alone. That, often, being surrounded by people, although so wonderful, can drown out the Father completely. I have seen it happen. I am driven by people. But I don't always have people around me that are good for my life. And even if I did, God is teaching me that in order to be what those people need, I have to be what I need. And the only way to do that is to be intimately and uncontrollably connected with Abba. My whole life, my worth has been found in friends, in how much people liked me. It is an addiction, and hard to come to terms with. Just when I think I'm past it, it comes creeping up again. I am learning, or shall I say being taught, that people DO NOT determine my worth. My worth is in Jesus. My worth is in the Father. It always has been, it always will be.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
-Eleanor Roosevelt

i haven't forgotten about this. my mind is just a little crazier than usual lately...

Help

Hey Friends :)
I tried this earlier this year, and it completely fell through the cracks. Part of it was because I came down with a physical, long-lasting illness, and part of it, I believe, is that I had no focus. Around Christmas time last year, I got the urge to DO something. I have always loved to create, and somewhere along the many paths my thoughts traveled, I got the idea to create on shoes. The only catch to this was I had no direction. I wanted to draw on shoes, sell them, and then give the money to an organization that would help kids who were so terribly in need. But my heart wasn’t truly in it, and neither was God. Only a few shoes were sold, and the money I gave to the organization I chose, as far as I know, disappeared. I gave it up.
On June 28th, I traveled to Honduras. I signed up last minute and really knew only 2 out of 160 people that were going. I was warned about illness, loss, and the absolute desperation of the country. And yet, I was more certain about going on that trip than anything in a very long time. And so I went, and all the things people had warned me about were true. What they could not describe, nor ever will be able to describe, is the absolute love that is smothering that country and the love that I would automatically feel towards it. I’m certain the same can be said for any country that one visits on an occasion like that. While there, I saw hundreds of kids. Some were better off than others, but I can say with confidence that your children or children you know would never, even on their worst days, look like these kids. I have been around a LOT of U.S kids, and NONE look like these precious Honduran babies.
Part of the trip involved handing out clothes and shoes to these kids. I’ll never forget handing out brand new Crocs one day and seeing a shy little boy standing on the side of the bus. Normally, the kids all but attacked us to get clothes and shoes, but this little boy just stood there looking and he never said a word. I noticed that although the shoes we brought were BEAUTIFUL, they were only for girls, and only in 2 main sizes. So, realizing it was better than nothing, I handed this little boy the smallest pair of girl shoes I could find. He took them without hesitation, but also without any word from his mouth or look on his face. I never saw him again.
I have found my direction. I want those kids to have shoes. Little boys, but little girls too. It’s not right for children to walk around in things you would never allow your dog close to. So through PRAYER, and of course you, I’m going to try to do something about it.

One pair of shoes=$20 + whatever it costs to ship them to you
Two pair of shoes=$40 and you automatically donate a pair of shoes to a Honduran child.

I will be primarily working through TORCH missions. About $15 of your dollars goes to pay for the shoe, and the other $5 goes to TORCH, providing food, supplies, more shoes, etc. for the Honduras trips led by Terry Reeves during the summer.

I can create any size, any color, and (almost) any design you choose! If you don’t do it for the kids, you can at least have a unique pair of shoes. I will never give you a pair of shoes that I myself would not wear. If I mess up on them, they are free to you, I will cover the cost. Pictures will be sent to you during every step of the creation so that you can see what I’m doing and add your input.

I really believe in this and these kids, and I’m asking that you believe in me.
My personal email address is pinkpolkadots267@aol.com, or you can send me a message on facebook. Thank you so much for your continual support and love. Please, please pray for me, that God’s will will be done through this, and for His children.

below are shoes I've done in the past:

I think I've got it all wrong.

I'm sitting here in the dark hallway, grapes and Cheez-it's by my side, blankly staring at all the junk in my room, listening to The Weepies put words to how I feel, only wishing I could somehow push my heart through this computer screen to you and let that be enough. I am feeling too many things for one, or even two, people.
"The whole world is moving and I'm standing still."
I have lost the capability to handle things well. I am on "automatic mode" and cannot get out of it. Cannot feel. For a long time now I have handled things out of necessity. I have not taken the time to stop. think. feel out how things truly are. So much has happened to me that I quickly try to deal with any little thing that comes up and MOVE ON. Only ever wanting to move on. It's taking a real toll on me and I'm getting frustrated even as we speak that I don't have adequate words for this. And I didn't even realize it til last night!
When I got home I decided to go for a run. I don't usually run at night, but it's been so hot that running at any other time is almost a death wish. Walking to the edge of my driveway, I was consumed with the quiet atmosphere of the planet, almost as if it was daring me to make a noise. I began to run and simultaneously began talking to God. We've had a rocky relationship lately, due to the fact that I have had the hardest time talking to him. And because I feel like I'm swimming around in utter uncertainty and can't see my way out. So I just talked. Explaining how badly I just want to be His servant, I just want to be with Him and that's IT. I'm tired of all these theories and biblical knowledge that are supposed to help only leaving me feeling more empty. And then I asked that he show me the road. I remember this well because I was coming up on a 2-way stop and was thinking about which way to go. As I crossed over, it occurred to me that I'm going about this ALL wrong. I'm trying to "fix" the wrong things.

"But when the Pharisees heard that he had silenced the Sadducees with his reply, they met together to question him again. One of them, an expert in religious law, tried to trap him with this question: 'Teacher, which is the most important commandment in the law of Moses?'

Jesus replied, 'You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.” Matthew 22

I am working on all these little things, however important they may be, without fixing the main ingredient. I can't be at peace with others, with myself, with all this biblical knowledge, if I don't love God. That seems like a bold statement, I guess, but truly loving God, as we are commanded, is not easy at all.
So I am trying. I have no idea how to love a Being that has never given me a reason NOT to love him. I don't know what it looks like to love God in this way, and I don't know how to get there. All I know is, nothing else will work if that doesn't.

Do you ever feel like you have so much bible knowledge that you have no idea how to actually be a Christian?

slowly but surely, packing up my life.

"Understanding will never bring you Peace. That's why I have instructed you to trust in Me, not in your understanding. Human beings have a voracious appetite for trying to figure things out, in order to gain a sense of mastery over their lives. But the world presents you with an endless series of problems. As soon as you master one set, another pops up to challenge you. The relief you had anticipated is short-lived. Soon your mind is gearing up again: searching for understanding (mastery), instead of seeking Me (your Master).
The wisest of all men, Solomon, could never think his way through to Peace. His vast understanding resulted in feelings of futility, rather than in fulfillment. Finally, he lost his way and succumbed to the will of his wives by worshiping idols.
My Peace is not an elusive goal, hidden at the center of some complicated maze. Actually, you are always enveloped in Peace, which is inherent in My Presence. As you look to Me, you gain awareness of this precious Peace."

Jesus Calling, August 7th.

A lot of people have asked me about Honduras. And every single time, my response is largely the same as the last; "Awesome." "Incredible." "Life-Changing." "Indescribable." So on, so forth.
And although every single one of those adjectives is accurate, it's not enough. And I can see it on people's faces when all I can find are those barren words. Because they can't see my heart and more than that, they weren't there to experience it first hand: a description no words do justice.

So, I thought I would post an entry from my journal to try and give you a glimpse of what it was like. The parenthesized italics are notes I've added for your better understanding.

July 3rd
"This morning started earlier than usual. We were supposed to leave the Villa at 7:30 to get to Didasko (an orphanage about an hour away from Tegucigalpa, the capital of Honduras) by 9 for a VBS and medical clinic. They said there would be like 150 kids. We had a slow bus driver, though, so it took a while to get down the mountain. Then, we had to stop by the grocery store. So then, we are on the way, going straight through downtown, which is pretty awesome cause everyone is on the streets selling stuff, and we are going about 10mph up a hill. THEN, this big, black smoke starts billowing out of the engine: we are stuck. Apparently the piston was sticking out of the engine and apparently that's bad. Currently we are just sitting on the side of the road, just waiting. Satan is working. He is after us. He is after me. But God is faithful and, as a bus, we prayed for His guidance and transportation.

(the end of the day)
Well, an hour later we made it to Didasko. I felt really bad because we were 2.5 hours late and people, women, were just sitting around waiting, especially for the medical clinic (this is probably the only time they will get medical attention for who knows how long, and it is free to them). So we busted it to get the bus unloaded. Once we did, we tried to begin what proved to be an extremely chaotic VBS. Minor was really the only one who knew Spanish, besides another girl (Jesse!) from Costa Rica, and the kids did not want to listen. But we sang, acted out the story of David and Goliath, and let them throw water balloons at Little Joe. It was awesome :). We also handed out toys and snacks and painted nails. One little boy quickly became my favorite. His name is Minor, and his eyes are so richly beautiful. He walked around blowing bubbles all day, and he painted my nails. When we were about to leave, though, he wouldn't give me a hug or even say adios, but he was doing that for everyone else! Eventually, though, he said goodbye, and as we were pulling out he waved and gave me a huge smile, maybe the second time the whole day. Of course my heart swelled and broke. Those kids were unwanted, and in many cases, abused. At so young, they already have a huge battle to fight."

My Minor

you're gunna need a passport for this place.

Last week I had TOO MUCH going on. Well, it really all started last Wednesday, but enough happened for the whole week and then some. And none of it was good. It was really really hard to find Peace amongst the desperation I felt. I was supposed to go to Alabama today through the 4th, but due to tragic news of a friend and an uneasy gut feeling I didn't. But as last week drug on, I knew I needed a release. So, very fortunately, my good friend offered for me to go home with her. And home is in Troy, Tennessee. All she kept saying was: "You're gunna need a passport for this town."

If you've ever been to Troy, or other small towns like it, you probably know what I'm talking about. In fact, you may have gone through Troy and never known it because you can get through the whole town in about 5 minutes! But it was sweet relief, and just what I needed.

It just so happened that my sweet friend was going through a very trying time as well and we decided that after this weekend, something was gunna give. Things needed to change. And what better time than August 1st to "start over??" This is really exciting for me. It means a lot and I can feel the change coming, almost whether I like it or not. But I do like it. I need it...like crazy. And as I thought more about what this "Change" meant and what it looked like, I realized that sometimes it's just about letting the Change come. Maybe not so much initiating or forcing the Change, just to say you did, but not fighting against it. I'm not generally the type that likes a lot of change, but this time...I'm ready.

Hey, it could be fun. Michael Jackson's "Man in the Mirror" song keeps playing in my head every time I type the word "change." Look it up.