I sit on my bed, cross-legged, rocking back and forth.
The sleep I couldn't quite obtain taunts me from my pillows, leaving its telling shadows under my eyes.
"He is doing something, He is doing something,"'
I whisper to the ceiling, blinking as a hummingbird bats its wings, as if one tear will melt my entire frame.
Closing my eyes, I imagine deep red, gray, and black smoke, billowing around me, the kind that escalates from a freshly extinguished candle or a Native American's fire.
They surround me now, encircling my position on the bed. I don't move, don't dare to ask them away.
My spirit is still.
Somewhere there's light.
Somewhere, I know this isn't life.
That these colors, although consuming my retinas, are easily turned into pinks and whites.

Instantly, a small, wet tear trickles down my weary, viciously rubbed cheek.

I am learning to let God be my love, not let love be my god.

digest this while I get the words.

In the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus knew exactly what was coming.
In that moment, He knew that He had a faithful, loving Father, of whom He was fighting for on the earth. He in fact came to Earth, I believe, knowing that He was going to severely suffer, and then in the end, die.
He had encircled Himself with men who wanted to love Him and follow Him and had stood by Him.
But in that moment, I think He felt alone.
His friends were asleep and Satan seemed closer than His Father.
In the midst of His complete knowledge of God's love and provision, He asked for it to all go away. His cup was brimming over with no saucer to catch the overflow.
He knew it was necessary.
That ultimately, it was for the best.
But He was weary and burdened and wanted another way out.

But because of His patient suffering, I have life.

Jesus, please come quickly.

Don't put your trust in walls 'cause walls will only crush you when they fall.

-Ray LaMontagne

“Increase our faith!”

Even though the fig trees have no blossoms,
and there are no grapes on the vines;
even though the olive crop fails,
and the fields lie empty and barren;
even though the flocks die in the fields,
and the cattle barns are empty,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord!
I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!
The Sovereign Lord is my strength!
He makes me as surefooted as a deer,
able to tread upon the heights.
Habakkuk 3.17-19

After my run this morning, I needed encouragement. I woke up at an earlier time to go out and refocus on my Savior. Sometimes when I get out of my devotional routine by coming home for a week or getting abnormally busy, my relationship with God suffers. So, while I was out, Abba and I talked a lot. Well, I mostly talked while He comforted. My plate is full lately, but today's worry was money for Honduras. See, I'm going to Honduras over spring break and I have to raise more money then I think I've ever been in possession of. And it's enough to drive a person crazy, especially when my funds are lying in the hands of other people. In reality, and what we talked about this morning, was that IT DOESN'T. Ok, yes, I know this. I know that God is the giver of all life and provides for me just as He provides for the birds; in fact, more so. But this all too common thought is really hard to transfer to my heart. It becomes hard not to doubt when the funds are not coming and the trip seems impossible. Even though I can look back on my life and SEE the abundant provision and beauty that He has made out of a mess, Satan seeps in all too often.

But perhaps the most frustrating thing about it all is not believing that He is faithful, but determining HOW to believe that He is such. Because believe me, I have spoken now meaningless words of trust in full faith; yet, here I am, struggling with doubt. I know He knows that I am a frail human, made from dust. That my thoughts are nothing like His and that my understanding leads me astray (Isaiah 55.8, Proverbs 3.5-6), but I forget that allllll the time.

I don't really have a conclusion to this particular ramble. Perhaps it's just a way for me to confess my doubt and keep myself accountable through the internet (hah!) to let Abba increase my faith.

love

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself."
(found in various places, but this is from Luke 10.27)

Abba is teaching me lots lots lots about love lately. Love has always come easily to me (for the most part), but He is teaching me about hard love now. Growing up, I didn't struggle that much with loving those who had personally done something wrong towards me (last year excluded...). I still talk to the boyfriend who cheated on me. I still talk to the guy who turned my world absolutely upside down. I still talk to the people who betrayed me. I don't like to just dismiss people when the world tells me I should. I don't say that at all to boast in my accomplishments, though, because with more love that is poured into my heart, I realize that it is NOT of me. The only reason I can be that way is because God made and makes me that way and I want to make that crystal clear before going any further.

But a part of love I do struggle with is loving without fear or expectations. Because I don't contain perfect love that expels all fear (1 John 4.18), I have a hard time not getting hurt.
I have been dealing with a situation lately with a person that needs a lot of love. This person is really struggling and because of that, he doesn't know how to act towards others. In fact, he tends to act in really bad ways, making him known for negative things. I know that that is not him. I know that he has had bad experiences that make him act that way. And I know it's all because he is scared.
But that is scary to ME. It is scary to try to love someone who is so unpredictable. It is crazy and hard to love someone who could at any moment turn on me and portray this bad behavior because that means that I am putting myself out there. That I am laying my heart on the line and that means I will probably and have already been hurt. And I'm tired of getting hurt.

But the more I dwell and worry on that, the more Jesus tells me that that's exactly as it should be. I think back over His words and realize that never once did he say that I should definitely love His people with all my heart, but only if my own behind is covered. ONLY if I wont get hurt or betrayed or slandered. He is the example by which we live, yes? And he loved prostitutes, liars, murderers, adulterers, and those who were deceptive.
In fact, he was murdered for them.

So what gives me, or anyone else, the right to hold back love? To be fearful of treating this person as I would want someone to treat me. After all, I receive my worth and my love and well-being from the ONE who's presence can never ever be taken from me (Psalm 139). John 15.13 says that there is NO GREATER LOVE than to lay down my life for my friends. For a long time I thought that meant literally laying down my life. But now, I know that that means giving up my fears, desires, and most importantly, love.

Individual Will of God, parte dos

Still gathering more thoughts...

I don't believe that God would just "throw" His people on His earth with simply a "sovereign will" and a "moral will." Meaning, I don't think I serve a God who has an ultimate plan for the earth and the destination of its inhabitants and who tells every person how not to act, basically, without being more intimate with us. Would you want to serve a God like that? 1 Peter 5.7 is where Peter is talking to the elders and "young men." He tells them to give all their worries and cares to God. This suggests that God knows us on a personal level, more so than just deciding where we will spend eternity and telling us how to act. Luke 12.6-7 is where Luke (?) is telling the crowds (more or less) look, you know how much sparrows cost? Next to nothing-and yet God doesn't forget ANY ONE of them. Every hair on your head is numbered. If God doesn't have a personal relationship with us, if He's not on a personal level, then He wouldn't care about how much hair I have.

I would love for someone to do my homework for me. Write all these silly papers and take all these ridiculous tests. Why? Because it's not easy. It's not fun, and sometimes, I don't want to work hard to do my own stuff. Sure, I become more educated, patient, and perhaps even more important to society when I do, but that doesn't make the work more fun and it certainly doesn't take it away.

Here's what I think. Before you read this, realize that this is what I THINK. Everything's a work in progress, so don't stone me yet. I picture God saying to me:

Allison, I love you. I look at you longingly, awaiting the day when you can be complete, and with me. I am jealous for you, hurt when you put other things and other people in front of me, the I AM. I know life on earth is difficult and I know you are trying your hardest. I am well pleased. Know that I am guiding you, but I will not tell you exactly what to do. I will not give you every answer, although I could. Why? Because I love you enough not to. In order for you to be perfect and complete, you must face things on your own sometimes. Don't be fooled and don't lose sight, though. I am holding your hand always, and I am continually guiding you down my glorious path, whether you feel it or not. So after you suffer for a little while, I will restore, support, and strengthen you, placing you on a firm foundation. Take heart, I have overcome the world.

Individual Will of God

I don't think that exists.

I will be the first to admit that I have expressed my desire for this thing and have even said that a certain event must have been because of that. But after my bible class today, I'm not so sure of that anymore.

Last year, I lost my faith for a time. It was a slow, gradual process of frustration because I was convincing myself, with Satan's help, that God was not doing his part in showing me what He wanted me to do. I mean very specifically showing me what He wanted me to do. Am I ever told that will happen? Yes, I believe that God has a sovereign will for this earth, for his people. Yes, I believe that God has a moral will for his people, and there are definitely scriptures to go along with both of those things. But what I was looking for, what I catch myself looking for even now sometimes, is for God to tell me what to do when the decision is tough. And I don't think that's going to happen. I can drive myself crazy, and have seen others do the same, from the idea that God is not "answering." It can even make me doubt God. But is this an idea that I have actually gotten from God? From His word? Or is it just another idea that commercialized Christianity has stuffed in my head?

Let's have visuals, shall we? I was a student at Lipscomb University last year. Rewinding a little, as of about January of my senior year (2009), I was determined to be a student at Freed Hardeman University, but after a tour of the Lipscomb campus, I decided to go there. Does that mean that God's individual will/plan changed for me? Does it make sense for Him to one minute "lead" or "tell" me to go to Freed but the next to do the same for Lipscomb? That seems to diminish the power of God, putting Him on a human level by implying that He changed his mind when He realized it wasn't the "right choice." Not only that, but that means that God is confusing and misleading. You may argue the point, then, by saying that it was God's plan all along for me to go to Lipscomb; that the struggle of deciding between the two was only in effort, on God's part, mind you, because that's what you're suggesting, to make me stronger. I'm not convinced that's how it works. Truthfully, we will not know until we can ask God ourselves, face to face (or however He chooses to do it). In contrast, I believe that God has a plan from the start. It took me awhile to realize this when thinking about why He even created Adam and Eve if He knew they were just going to fail, but I do think that He has a sovereign plan, as mentioned earlier.

Here's a different, maybe more clear way of explaining my thoughts. Say I placed a sparkly pink princess crown and a basketball in front of my baby girl Keylahni. My intentions, my will, what I see playing out for her, is that she take the basketball because I know that basketball is fun, good exercise, and will benefit her later on. Sure, the pink sparkly crown is wonderful in its own way, but that's not what I have in mind for her. Picture her sitting there, struggling to decipher which one I want her to take. She's weighing the options, trying to go through every scenario, and getting frustrated that I'm not telling her which one to pick because she just wants to make me happy. I, on the other hand, am looking at her, NOT telling her what I want her to do because I know her well enough to know that she wants the pink sparkly crown. Telling her to choose the basketball does not make her happy. We can have fun and make good things come out of a pink sparkly crown just as much as we could out of the basketball-just in different ways. Keylahni may even come to resent me for NOT telling her which to choose. When in reality, both can be good. Does that make sense?

I think this happens a lot with life choices such as careers and who to marry. We, and by we I mean I, want God to just lay it out there-send me a letter or something. I want to please Him by making the right choice. But I wonder if maybe it's more about the fact that God has laid out many choices, all potentially good, and is waiting and willing for us to decide. He can make good out of anything, but Him telling me exactly what I should do negates any free will that He, after all, blessed us with. It also happens a lot with missionaries and where they should begin. EVERYONE needs saving. God will work out His sovereign plan through you or without you regardless (see Esther 4.14-I realize that this is talking about deliverance for the Jews, but it's the same general concept...).

Just food for thoughts...a lot of this is based on reasoning, feeling, and looking to past experience, not necessarily my study of a million scriptures, although I have a lot in my brain. I encourage you to do that on your own. C.S. Lewis is famous for stating that basically, if this doesn't help, then leave it. It was just freeing to me to come to this realization.

Please keep the country of Honduras in your prayers. They are suffering unimaginable loss due to sever flooding. Unless you have seen, you don't know the condition of their NORMAL life, making disaster that much more disastrous.

Chills

I am in awe. Shocked, amazed, humbled, joyful, and sooo FULL of praise.

It should be no surprise at this point that I love my children. I don't even have to know them. For example, today, on the way to chapel, I saw the most precious little girl with curly red hair, yellow sunglasses, and a blue backpack with pink polka dots on it. I could have picked her up with a hug and a kiss right then and there. (Obviously I didn't, though). It should also be no surprise that some of my FAVORITE babies reside at David Lipscomb Elementary School. And just to drive home the point, I have a very special place in my heart for a little miss Keylahni. I've written about her before. Well, I got wind that Keylahni didn't come back to Lipscomb and I was heart broken. I even almost wrote about it yesterday but never got around to it. I was sick, worrying about where she was, if she was ok, etc, etc. I brought it the Father's feet, asking Him to consume her and hold her hand wherever she was as I was being eaten up inside with guilt and a broken heart.

Today, one of my good friends, Erin, calls me. Erin and I worked together at the elementary school, and she just graduated from Lipscomb University with an Art Education degree. The last we spoke, she was desperately seeking a job, considering they are so hard to come by right now. Not only that, but Art education is a very specific field and not very flexible. So, anyways, I see the call from her and am a little surprised because we haven't spoken that recently but via facebook she told me she wanted to update me on her job...

Guess which little girl walked into her classroom yesterday.

"For nothing is impossible with God." Luke 1.37

"A world of nice people, content in their own niceness, looking no further, turned away from God, would be just as desperately in need of salvation as a miserable world-and might even be more difficult to save."

-C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

The Latest Pair

These are for a little girl! Don't forget about the offer :)

My Near Death Experience. But Really.

Mom, you can go ahead and stop reading...

Saturday's have easily become my absolute favorite days. Maybe, and most likely, because it's the one day I can sleep in and think of anything but school. This saturday was no different. My friend Alex cooked some delicious chocolate chip (!!) pancakes for us, and we decided it would be a good day for rock climbing. At The Underground, a coffee shop close to Harding, they have rock climbing inside. Granted, this is a nice alternative when the weather is bad, etc, but it was just not legit enough for us women yesterday. So, we decided to go to Riverside and climb on some REAL rocks.

Let me begin by saying that "rocks" is the understatement of the year. These were boulders. These were cliffs. Much like what the picture shows except the river below us was more brownish with more water. Next, I will say that it has rained a lot here lately. And where there is vegetation and rocks, there is moss. SO. We were climbing on wet, mossy, slippery, boulders. It was aweeeesome. I have never had such a workout as I stretched my leg an almost unfathomable length to the huge boulder next to me, only keeping myself from falling by sticking my hand in a little crevice and my foot on a tiny ledge. We did this many times, laughing and talking and walking. We found a lizard, whom we named Barrett, and his close friend, Barrett Junior, the tree frog. Alex, the far more adventurous one, always led the way. Which was secretly wonderful for me and Bethany so that she could find out how NOT to climb :) Jk, Alex...but really. At one point we came upon a small ledge overlooking the small Red River below. Imagine, if you will, what Pride's Rock looks like in The Lion King. Although the boulder was not even close to that size, it was much like that, with smaller boulders, thin trees, and wet grass below.

Obviously we climbed down the boulder, hoping to get a closer look at whatever was over the small ledge. I had already slipped just walking a few times, and this was no exception. It was a tough climb down, but we made it. If you haven't realized the slight danger we were putting ourselves in, let me also add in now that we began to discuss that dying then would mean we would get to Heaven sooner. I was following Alex, with Bethany behind me, and in the middle of talking about Heaven, my foot slipped..
It's hard to actually recall what happened since it happened so fast and since my life was in danger, but the next thing I know I am looking down at the river with nothing keeping me from it but a thin tree that somehow, literally by the grace of God, I fell on. I still don't know how it didn't break. When I realized what had happened and that I was alive, I remember saying something about my foot, when really, the only thing that was hurting was my elbow because it hyper-extended. I think I cried, but mostly, I didn't know how I was going to get back up. I sat there for a minute, heart racing, legs dangling, recalling what happened and the thought, as I was falling, that I was about to die. Or at least be severely injured. Somehow, someway, Little Alex and Bethany pulled me back up and I sat, as far away from the edge as I could get, and started shaking uncontrollably.

There is no reason that I should have landed on that tree. I have a few cuts, and my muscles are killing me, but other than that, I am completely fine. As I was getting myself up and as I sat there shaking, I could only repeat: "Abba...Abba..." He saved me. He's not done with me yet.

Plank

"'Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. For you will be treated as you treat others. The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged. And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.'" Matthew 7:1-5

I was humbled this morning. This passage immediately popped into my head as I caught myself doing exactly what it tells me not to do. I think it is so easy to let myself off the hook (caught myself doing that too) by applauding myself in not blatantly judging. i.e. I do not hate black people. I don't even slightly dislike them. Yay, I get a cookie. To me, that's an excuse. But what about the people who look or act differently? Again, I think that's an easy way out I have given myself. I have grown up with the idea of treating "weird people" just like any other person. An even more dangerous situation, I feel, is when those of us who wear the name "Christian" begin placing ourselves on levels. When someone starts talking badly about another person, I am immediately turned off and think it's not right. But what about when I start doing that? Neither time is right, neither time is profitable to anyone, but when I want to say something, do I offset the wrong by thinking that "I just need to get it out?" How is that any different? It's not. I'm the one with the plank.
So, today, I am figuratively laying at the feet of Jesus, desperate and quiet at the sinful state I am in. But I am also joyful and full of hope, knowing that His grace is sufficient. That His power is made PERFECT in weakness.

"When you come to knowing God, the initiative lies on His side. If He does not show Himself, nothing you can do will enable you to find Him. And, in fact, He shows much more of Himself to some people that to others-not because He has favorites, but because it is impossible for Him to show Himself to a man whose whole mind and character are in the wrong condition. Just as sunlight, though it has no favorites, cannot be reflected in a dusty mirror as clearly as in a clean one."
-C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

If you have time, although I feel you should really read the whole book, you can check out the whole chapter from which I got this quote. "The Three Personal God." It is towards the bottom.

does anyone else get tired of trying?
i went running early yesterday morning for the sole reason of talking to God. i want to feel Him close to me to the point that He is undeniable. i want Him as the reason for all i do. the reason i decide to change majors, the reason i decide not to date a certain guy, the reason i live. and every day, yes, we talk. i come to Him with many things, both big and small, and i try to look to His word for refreshment, but it doesn't feel like it's enough.
i cannot convince myself that i was meant to live this way.
that although i speak to Him regularly and read what He wants me to know, my life is generally the same as everyone else around me, largely unnoticed as being different at all. i yearn for more. i wake up, knowing something is not right. i also know that it is not enough for me to just know something's not right, i have to do something about it.
but what?

Living inside yourself.

The Father is teaching me a lot about the art of being alone lately.
I have had to learn the incredibly difficult lesson of "living inside myself" this past year and a half. It's not fun and it's by no means easy. "Living inside yourself" means being ok with the fact that we all go through times of being alone. That, often, being surrounded by people, although so wonderful, can drown out the Father completely. I have seen it happen. I am driven by people. But I don't always have people around me that are good for my life. And even if I did, God is teaching me that in order to be what those people need, I have to be what I need. And the only way to do that is to be intimately and uncontrollably connected with Abba. My whole life, my worth has been found in friends, in how much people liked me. It is an addiction, and hard to come to terms with. Just when I think I'm past it, it comes creeping up again. I am learning, or shall I say being taught, that people DO NOT determine my worth. My worth is in Jesus. My worth is in the Father. It always has been, it always will be.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
-Eleanor Roosevelt

i haven't forgotten about this. my mind is just a little crazier than usual lately...

Help

Hey Friends :)
I tried this earlier this year, and it completely fell through the cracks. Part of it was because I came down with a physical, long-lasting illness, and part of it, I believe, is that I had no focus. Around Christmas time last year, I got the urge to DO something. I have always loved to create, and somewhere along the many paths my thoughts traveled, I got the idea to create on shoes. The only catch to this was I had no direction. I wanted to draw on shoes, sell them, and then give the money to an organization that would help kids who were so terribly in need. But my heart wasn’t truly in it, and neither was God. Only a few shoes were sold, and the money I gave to the organization I chose, as far as I know, disappeared. I gave it up.
On June 28th, I traveled to Honduras. I signed up last minute and really knew only 2 out of 160 people that were going. I was warned about illness, loss, and the absolute desperation of the country. And yet, I was more certain about going on that trip than anything in a very long time. And so I went, and all the things people had warned me about were true. What they could not describe, nor ever will be able to describe, is the absolute love that is smothering that country and the love that I would automatically feel towards it. I’m certain the same can be said for any country that one visits on an occasion like that. While there, I saw hundreds of kids. Some were better off than others, but I can say with confidence that your children or children you know would never, even on their worst days, look like these kids. I have been around a LOT of U.S kids, and NONE look like these precious Honduran babies.
Part of the trip involved handing out clothes and shoes to these kids. I’ll never forget handing out brand new Crocs one day and seeing a shy little boy standing on the side of the bus. Normally, the kids all but attacked us to get clothes and shoes, but this little boy just stood there looking and he never said a word. I noticed that although the shoes we brought were BEAUTIFUL, they were only for girls, and only in 2 main sizes. So, realizing it was better than nothing, I handed this little boy the smallest pair of girl shoes I could find. He took them without hesitation, but also without any word from his mouth or look on his face. I never saw him again.
I have found my direction. I want those kids to have shoes. Little boys, but little girls too. It’s not right for children to walk around in things you would never allow your dog close to. So through PRAYER, and of course you, I’m going to try to do something about it.

One pair of shoes=$20 + whatever it costs to ship them to you
Two pair of shoes=$40 and you automatically donate a pair of shoes to a Honduran child.

I will be primarily working through TORCH missions. About $15 of your dollars goes to pay for the shoe, and the other $5 goes to TORCH, providing food, supplies, more shoes, etc. for the Honduras trips led by Terry Reeves during the summer.

I can create any size, any color, and (almost) any design you choose! If you don’t do it for the kids, you can at least have a unique pair of shoes. I will never give you a pair of shoes that I myself would not wear. If I mess up on them, they are free to you, I will cover the cost. Pictures will be sent to you during every step of the creation so that you can see what I’m doing and add your input.

I really believe in this and these kids, and I’m asking that you believe in me.
My personal email address is pinkpolkadots267@aol.com, or you can send me a message on facebook. Thank you so much for your continual support and love. Please, please pray for me, that God’s will will be done through this, and for His children.

below are shoes I've done in the past:

I think I've got it all wrong.

I'm sitting here in the dark hallway, grapes and Cheez-it's by my side, blankly staring at all the junk in my room, listening to The Weepies put words to how I feel, only wishing I could somehow push my heart through this computer screen to you and let that be enough. I am feeling too many things for one, or even two, people.
"The whole world is moving and I'm standing still."
I have lost the capability to handle things well. I am on "automatic mode" and cannot get out of it. Cannot feel. For a long time now I have handled things out of necessity. I have not taken the time to stop. think. feel out how things truly are. So much has happened to me that I quickly try to deal with any little thing that comes up and MOVE ON. Only ever wanting to move on. It's taking a real toll on me and I'm getting frustrated even as we speak that I don't have adequate words for this. And I didn't even realize it til last night!
When I got home I decided to go for a run. I don't usually run at night, but it's been so hot that running at any other time is almost a death wish. Walking to the edge of my driveway, I was consumed with the quiet atmosphere of the planet, almost as if it was daring me to make a noise. I began to run and simultaneously began talking to God. We've had a rocky relationship lately, due to the fact that I have had the hardest time talking to him. And because I feel like I'm swimming around in utter uncertainty and can't see my way out. So I just talked. Explaining how badly I just want to be His servant, I just want to be with Him and that's IT. I'm tired of all these theories and biblical knowledge that are supposed to help only leaving me feeling more empty. And then I asked that he show me the road. I remember this well because I was coming up on a 2-way stop and was thinking about which way to go. As I crossed over, it occurred to me that I'm going about this ALL wrong. I'm trying to "fix" the wrong things.

"But when the Pharisees heard that he had silenced the Sadducees with his reply, they met together to question him again. One of them, an expert in religious law, tried to trap him with this question: 'Teacher, which is the most important commandment in the law of Moses?'

Jesus replied, 'You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.” Matthew 22

I am working on all these little things, however important they may be, without fixing the main ingredient. I can't be at peace with others, with myself, with all this biblical knowledge, if I don't love God. That seems like a bold statement, I guess, but truly loving God, as we are commanded, is not easy at all.
So I am trying. I have no idea how to love a Being that has never given me a reason NOT to love him. I don't know what it looks like to love God in this way, and I don't know how to get there. All I know is, nothing else will work if that doesn't.

Do you ever feel like you have so much bible knowledge that you have no idea how to actually be a Christian?

slowly but surely, packing up my life.

"Understanding will never bring you Peace. That's why I have instructed you to trust in Me, not in your understanding. Human beings have a voracious appetite for trying to figure things out, in order to gain a sense of mastery over their lives. But the world presents you with an endless series of problems. As soon as you master one set, another pops up to challenge you. The relief you had anticipated is short-lived. Soon your mind is gearing up again: searching for understanding (mastery), instead of seeking Me (your Master).
The wisest of all men, Solomon, could never think his way through to Peace. His vast understanding resulted in feelings of futility, rather than in fulfillment. Finally, he lost his way and succumbed to the will of his wives by worshiping idols.
My Peace is not an elusive goal, hidden at the center of some complicated maze. Actually, you are always enveloped in Peace, which is inherent in My Presence. As you look to Me, you gain awareness of this precious Peace."

Jesus Calling, August 7th.

A lot of people have asked me about Honduras. And every single time, my response is largely the same as the last; "Awesome." "Incredible." "Life-Changing." "Indescribable." So on, so forth.
And although every single one of those adjectives is accurate, it's not enough. And I can see it on people's faces when all I can find are those barren words. Because they can't see my heart and more than that, they weren't there to experience it first hand: a description no words do justice.

So, I thought I would post an entry from my journal to try and give you a glimpse of what it was like. The parenthesized italics are notes I've added for your better understanding.

July 3rd
"This morning started earlier than usual. We were supposed to leave the Villa at 7:30 to get to Didasko (an orphanage about an hour away from Tegucigalpa, the capital of Honduras) by 9 for a VBS and medical clinic. They said there would be like 150 kids. We had a slow bus driver, though, so it took a while to get down the mountain. Then, we had to stop by the grocery store. So then, we are on the way, going straight through downtown, which is pretty awesome cause everyone is on the streets selling stuff, and we are going about 10mph up a hill. THEN, this big, black smoke starts billowing out of the engine: we are stuck. Apparently the piston was sticking out of the engine and apparently that's bad. Currently we are just sitting on the side of the road, just waiting. Satan is working. He is after us. He is after me. But God is faithful and, as a bus, we prayed for His guidance and transportation.

(the end of the day)
Well, an hour later we made it to Didasko. I felt really bad because we were 2.5 hours late and people, women, were just sitting around waiting, especially for the medical clinic (this is probably the only time they will get medical attention for who knows how long, and it is free to them). So we busted it to get the bus unloaded. Once we did, we tried to begin what proved to be an extremely chaotic VBS. Minor was really the only one who knew Spanish, besides another girl (Jesse!) from Costa Rica, and the kids did not want to listen. But we sang, acted out the story of David and Goliath, and let them throw water balloons at Little Joe. It was awesome :). We also handed out toys and snacks and painted nails. One little boy quickly became my favorite. His name is Minor, and his eyes are so richly beautiful. He walked around blowing bubbles all day, and he painted my nails. When we were about to leave, though, he wouldn't give me a hug or even say adios, but he was doing that for everyone else! Eventually, though, he said goodbye, and as we were pulling out he waved and gave me a huge smile, maybe the second time the whole day. Of course my heart swelled and broke. Those kids were unwanted, and in many cases, abused. At so young, they already have a huge battle to fight."

My Minor

you're gunna need a passport for this place.

Last week I had TOO MUCH going on. Well, it really all started last Wednesday, but enough happened for the whole week and then some. And none of it was good. It was really really hard to find Peace amongst the desperation I felt. I was supposed to go to Alabama today through the 4th, but due to tragic news of a friend and an uneasy gut feeling I didn't. But as last week drug on, I knew I needed a release. So, very fortunately, my good friend offered for me to go home with her. And home is in Troy, Tennessee. All she kept saying was: "You're gunna need a passport for this town."

If you've ever been to Troy, or other small towns like it, you probably know what I'm talking about. In fact, you may have gone through Troy and never known it because you can get through the whole town in about 5 minutes! But it was sweet relief, and just what I needed.

It just so happened that my sweet friend was going through a very trying time as well and we decided that after this weekend, something was gunna give. Things needed to change. And what better time than August 1st to "start over??" This is really exciting for me. It means a lot and I can feel the change coming, almost whether I like it or not. But I do like it. I need it...like crazy. And as I thought more about what this "Change" meant and what it looked like, I realized that sometimes it's just about letting the Change come. Maybe not so much initiating or forcing the Change, just to say you did, but not fighting against it. I'm not generally the type that likes a lot of change, but this time...I'm ready.

Hey, it could be fun. Michael Jackson's "Man in the Mirror" song keeps playing in my head every time I type the word "change." Look it up.

The more I know, the less I know.
I need to get outta Dodge.

i want to paint
i want to kiss
i want to be loved
i want to enjoy
i want to drive and drive
i want to eat ice cream
i want to hold hands
i want to laugh
i want to live

Frantic

At school, it was easy for me to be close to God. A closeness I had never known before.
I had nothing left in me to give. I very literally HAD to have God to give me strength to get through all I was dealing with, and that's how I wanted it. I reveled in Him, I loved Him, I knew Him. Looking back on my posts on here I can even tell how much more I had to say then than I do now.
When school was over, my spiritual life dwindled. I was reading about the same, praying about the same, but my dependence and reliance on Him was most definitely absent. It was obvious to me, and to Him, that I didn't need Him the way I had when I was at school. And it bothered me immensely. I even remember wishing at one point that I was going through everything again JUST to feel the same closeness. Before Honduras, I was hoping that the trip would wake me up, spiritually. And now that I am back, the distance has found me once again.

In talking to a few people, I have heard many ideas. That I should take joy in the fact that I don't have to rely on Him so heavily. That even this spiritual "rest," as it were, is of God. That if my life were as tumultuous as it was this past year, that would be no life at all. And yes, I can see that as a good point, but I want to rely on Him as heavily as I did this year. And maybe the trick is learning different avenues of reliance. A flower relies on the sun to live, a bat relies on the sun eventually setting. They both rely on the Sun, but in very different ways. I just don't know what mine is yet.
I tend to get frantic. Desperate. Searching for Him and getting frustrated and anxious when He is not immediately where I wanted Him to be. "You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God." 1 Peter 3:4. This is far from the spirit I portray. Psalm 51 tells me that the sacrifice God desires is a broken spirit. That He will not reject a broken heart. I know and have seen this to be true. When I am broken, God has all the room he needs, and requires, to step in and lead me. But when I am frantic, I can't see the forest for the trees. The thing I am searching for becomes farther and farther from me because of my own actions, not His.


Thanks, Hallie, for allowing this to smack me in the face.

100th post

At 6am tomorrow morning, I will be flying into the unknown.
A whirlwind of events have happened since I joined this trip in January, and I honestly cannot even believe it's happening. But I feel like I'm still in January. Like I signed up for this trip and now, two days later, I am going. I know very little about what we will be doing and have found that uncertainties freak me out a bit.
I am overwhelmed.
But I am excited. Happy, peaceful, full of joy, sleepless. I am anxious, but I am ready.
Honduras seems like a far away place, one that I don't actually feel like I'm going to.
It has been mentioned countless times in my presence, and I myself have spoken of the day when I would go. I long for a place only my dreams have been to. I long for people I have never seen. My heart is breaking over children I don't know.
And I know my life will no doubt be changed from this. My heart is full, and I can't wait for that change.


Now's my turn to ask you a favor :) Pray, pray, pray, pray, pray
I will be gone a total of 13 days. I could sit and write all the potential diseases I could contract from this trip but I feel that would be redundant and a bit melodramatic...just keep it in mind :)
I will also say that I have never flown before...
Pray that I will remember. Remember why I am doing this. Remember who I am, remember the One who saved me, remember not to drink the water.
Pray that I will be the student, not the teacher. The broken one, not the healer. The childlike, not the adult. The open one, not the stubborn one. The passionate one, never the complacent one. I would ask that you pray for those we meet, but I don't think they will be the ones needing the prayers. Although, it wouldn't hurt to Ask that their hearts be ready. But more than that, that ours will be ready.

19 hours, 12 minutes, 55 seconds.

And oh, how He loves us so.

Taft Ayers spoke in class tonight, and boy am I glad I was there.
I say that because I honestly did not want to go to church tonight. Church and I struggle sometimes, but tonight, I knew, despite my feelings, it was best for me to go.

I don't have some big, long thing to say about it, and I know full well that these words will be read, but not read by most people. And that's ok. Sometimes, hearts just aren't ready to listen.
The theme of our class is "Things I Wish I Had Known." (We are the young adult/college class). And Taft's main verse to headline all he spoke about is found in Matthew 12. "I desire mercy, not sacrifice."
The thing that stuck out the most to me, though, were two particular things he said.

We are saved because He loves us.
We work, because He loves us.
It is not, nor is it ever: I have to work to be saved. Or, I have to do [enter amount of good deeds here] to be loved by Him.

I know this. I knew this before class. But lately, I have forgotten. I have been fighting for the salvation I already have and that cannot be taken from me. Not because of what I do or even because of who I am...but because He loves me.



"Create in me a clean heart, O God
And renew a right spirit within me.
Restore unto me the JOY of my salvation
And renew a right spirit within me."

Ha, I can only laugh at this post.
I woke up at 4 this morning, extremely parched. The kind of aching for water you feel when you are outside in 90 degree weather, drenched in sweat, with a pool full of luscious water in sight. I actually went to bed thirsty, but at the time, I was too exhausted to get out of bed to get water. So when 4 o'clock rolled around, it was beyond time to get something to drink.
I wandered into the kitchen, my eyes going from the sweet tea on the counter to the chocolate milk in the fridge. Neither satisfied my craving though, so I settled on a homemade rice krispee treat. Going back to bed, cautiously looking over my shoulder along the way (you can never be too sure these days), my mind of course began to meander over previous thoughts and even some new thoughts. Tripping over the idea of angels, my mind settled into a previous thought I've had of whether there are girl angels. After a minute or two, I realized it was close to the top of my list of things that are not clearly laid out for in the Bible and something I wont know until I get to Heaven. I had hit another wall.
And then I thought, well what's so wrong with that. As humans, we long to know every detail. In fact, we wont settle until we know the ins and outs OF the ins and outs of everything. Forget putting a little faith into anything, no no, that could put our ever so fragile ego at risk. And so, if and when we hit said wall, we get disgruntled, grumpy, and even turn our backs on the thought that got us there. Honestly, I think we're just plain afraid of the big wall in front of us.

Well, what would it be like if we just rested on the wall? Threw a ball against it, set up a nice picnic in it's shade. Painted a nice mural for all to enjoy. Where does it say that we have to know everything? When did we get so caught up in thinking that only when we know everything can we decide to believe. Does the subject of whether or not there are girl angels change the love I have for my Father? Does not knowing that one fact, although awesome, affect my appetite for Heaven? No. And it shouldn't. Along with any and every other wall we may hit, no matter the shape, size, color, texture, or density. I fully believe there are some things we just can't handle knowing. We are simply humans, after all.

"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see." Hebrews 11:1

Funny thing is, I planned this whole thing out, thinking I should probably write it down, even at 4 in the morning. :)

I have gone to church for as long as I can remember, and never wanted to miss a service.
I attended every single youth function I could feasibly go to.
And I never knew God.
I remember very vividly getting up in front of my fourth grade Sunday school class and feeling so proud of myself after I recited the books of the Bible.
I attended a Christian Elementary, Middle, and High School, and have attended a year of a Christian College.
I never knew God.
I received an award for Christian character in front of everyone at my High School graduation.
I grew up with a group of people that have been described as "top notch," "the Golden Grade," "outstanding."
I never knew God.
I was and am surrounded by adults who love me and who always look out for me.
Growing up, I was described as sweet, someone with a good, strong faith. I was considered a leader.
But, I never knew God.

"God cannot make you who He wants you to be until He breaks you in pieces."
Devo's wont cut it. I attended hundreds.
Church services wont cut it. I have barely missed any.
Your friends wont cut it. As said, I grew up with some of the best.
Your family wont cut it, the adults around you wont cut it, your church family, your boyfriends/girlfriends, your school...they wont cut it.
Concerning you, God's not interested in how much your Sunday School teacher knows or knew. Even I can't sit here and tell you how to have a personal relationship with the One and Only One who matters.
Don't get me wrong here. Church, Devo's, strong, faithful friends and family and people around you are all important, but they will not and can not carry you to the cross.

"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule." Matthew 5:3-The Message

this is a real life, tangible example of the fact that God does answer prayers.
if you don't know the story, you can read it here.

I'm feeling incredibly "uninspired" these days. Maybe redoing my blog template will spark creativity.

My posts on here are generally all very positive. Usually, they are talking about some kind of awesome experience I have had, or just thoughts and feelings I have gotten from studying Scripture or from praying. But I have also written before about how I wish we were real with each other. And it's only right that I follow suit.

I want to be approachable (if that's the right word) to everyone. And although I don't feel like I should cater to everyone's particular thoughts or feelings on things, I also don't want to come across as a happy-go-lucky, perfectly peaceful person. Because that is not always the case.

Today, I didn't feel very loving. I didn't feel very happy. And in fact, last night I was even a little upset with God. Rationally, I know that God would never do anything to purposefully hurt me. He would never give me more than I can handle, and He cannot even be associated with sin. So basically, I had no reason to be mad at Him, but I was mad. And there are days, like this morning, where I kind of have to force myself to love. Not just love others, but love God. (I know that's a very...bold...statement to make, but that's the truth.) But it's like Kris said on her blog, when you marry someone you don't always feel like "loving them;" however, you made a commitment. You said you would, no matter what happened. That's how I look at it with God sometimes. He has done NOTHING for me to not love Him (quite the opposite, really), but because I am a fallen human in a fallen world with fallen feelings, I am plagued by the irritating lack of love at times.

The important thing to remember amongst the bad feelings is that it IS just a feeling. I can't get carried away with them because chances are, they aren't true. God and His love for me and my love for him is unchangeable. It is unwavering even amongst the worst of unhappy days.

Praise Beyond Belief

I just want everyone to take a second and dwell on the AWESOMENESS of the One we live to serve. (Well, I hope you do anyway). Seriously, I am in awe at how small I am and how big He is.

Some of you have heard me mention, either on here or in person, my little one, Keylahni. I got close to her working at the Elementary School this year. She is a spitfire, dancing around and telling me she loves me while giving me wet kisses on my cheek. Lately, and especially this past Saturday night on, I have been fervently praying for her. She has an interesting family situation, and I fear she gets neglected. I know her young mother loves her as well as her extended family, but...I won't say too much on the internet. Anyway, there have been nights that my heart has been so heavy it physically hurts me as I lay in bed, on the verge of tears. I love her, and I just prayed and prayed that Jesus would cover her with HIS love, a love that can never be taken from her.

Lately, I have been stressed about money. I have been praying and trying not to let it stress me out, telling myself over and over that God is the Provider of all Life, of all things. I don't need the money, truthfully, I just know that my parents cannot provide more than the necessities, and I am just a worrier like that, especially since I will not have a job this fall.

Today, Keylahni's mom called me. She wanted to know if I knew of any good camps Keylahni could attend this summer because she didn't want to keep her cooped up in the house all day long. I informed her of the only ones I knew of, and then she asked what I was doing this summer. Long story short, she asked me to take care of Keylahni.

Even as I write it I am blown away by God's provision. He ALONE is to be praised, as this is two answered prayers all rolled into one! Now, I have a job, but more than that, I get to love on my little girl at least for a few days a week, just so she knows someone loves her.

Wow.

HONDURAS

I am leaving for Honduras in one month.

I'm not sure it has hit me yet. I have been so stressed and busy, just making sure I have gotten my passport, filled out all necessary paperwork, raised enough money, etc. For me, this is a trip of a lifetime. For some reason, I have always wanted to go to Honduras. And now, that opportunity is quickly approaching.

I do have some reservations though. We are taking a group of 165. Although we are splitting up into two main "Alpha and Omega" groups, that is still about 84 people to a group. I am worried that we wont get adequate things done. With a group that large, we will either be in the way, or people will be left standing around doing nothing. I realize there is a lot of work to do, but there are many many many hands to do it with (thank God, obviously). I'm also hesitant about the random little things. The flight (haven't flown since I was 4), the illness I could get, open hearts and mind to those we come in contact with, and obedience to the Father in that we do what we go for. Not to build houses, not to provide water, not to play with babies. To spread the Word that these people have life beyond this. Not only that, but JOY amongst the devastation they know. That's what this whole thing is about.

And on a more personal level, that I will have a strong heart. I am passionate about kids. I am passionate about the Father and about the work He is doing in me and continues to do. I have many dreams, and when I look in the faces of people, I want them to share at least one of my dreams: of being with my Father someday. All that passion can sometimes make it hard to see clearly. (aka, that I won't bring a baby back with me ;))


Please start praying, friends. I need support, and prayer DOES work. I have no doubt that God will take care of me and the ones I am going with. I have no doubt His will will be done. I just pray I am in His way, but not in the way.

Somethin' weird's going on...
At school, it seemed easy to rely on, study about, and talk to God.
But now, it seems really, really difficult, and I don't know why. There are times where I have even wanted to be in the condition I was in at school, whatever that may be, just to feel close to God again. I want it more than anything and it's hard to handle when I have no idea how to do it sometimes.

There's a Difference in Living and Living Well

Ok, so I've already mentioned the insane fact that Jesus knew that us having the Holy Spirit would be better than Him physically being with us.
And someone may be wondering, ok, this is really cool. I can actually have God living in me. (and even if you already know this...HELLLOO THAT IS AWESOME). But how?
Paul tells us in Acts 2:38:

"And Peter answered them, Repent (change your views and purpose to accept the will of God in your inner selves instead of rejecting it) and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of and release from your sins; and you shall receive the gift of the Holy Spirit." AMP Bible Version

So when we are baptized, we receive the Holy Spirit. If you have been baptized, think back to that day. I know for me, I felt like I could conquer the world. I felt invincible, untouchable, and practically glowing with joy. But eventually, that kind of wore off. And then I went back to feeling like I always had. Yes, my actions and thoughts began to change, but I still felt like a normal, young girl.
I wonder if that feeling was the Holy Spirit. I am told that I would receive it, and I don't doubt that one bit. And it was definitely not an earthly feeling. But don't you think there is a difference in "making one's home" and actually "living?" A little less than a year ago, I moved into a dorm for college. The initial moving in can be a really exciting one. Meeting new people, decorating, making things your own. You feel hopeful and excited for your future there. But sometimes, and in my case, things don't go well. Things are not at all like you thought they would be. And although you have made your home there, you are not really living. I think it's the same with the Holy Spirit. I have to maintain things, I have to ask for Him to work in my life, and I have to be willing, not willful. Because just like moving into my dorm room, the beginning was good, but after a while due to other things, I felt like the life was being stifled out of me. I had become stale, and even numb. God is God no matter where we are in our lives. He has done His part, and always does. The Spirit wants to be living and breathing, producing fruit in our lives. But if we don't want the same, if we don't ask for Him to do so, He can't can He? Because God will not violate free will. After all, that was a Gift too.

I hope I said what I wanted to say. Sometimes it's hard for things to really hit me because I have grown up in church my whole life. I have been taught big, important things over and over, and that can make them lose their effect. But please, don't lose the meaning here: the HUGENESS of the fact that we can become alive, with God living in us, and all we have to do (after repentance and baptism) is ASK.

Money, Money, Money

I hate money.
It would be easy to blame the place I live, but that's not really fair I don't suppose.
Nashville is a big city. Full of big, important people who compete to always have the biggest, nicest things. Not necessarily the best, but it definitely has to be better than their neighbor.
I just spent a year at a school that not only costs an arm and a leg, but chocked full of rich people. Many who get large amounts of money put into their bank accounts regularly and buy $100 accessories. Yes, $100 for just. one. accessory.
Maybe this comes with being a college student. That's what I have heard anyway. But the stress over money is the worst stress I have ever felt in my entire life. Nothing seems to be enough. I had a job this past year, and granted I didn't get paid hardly anything, but it was still a job, supplying what I needed. Maybe that's what's causing all this stress now, the fact that I don't have a job in the near horizon, although not from not trying.
I'm not even sure why I need the money either. It's not just for kicks and giggles. It's not just so I can go shopping every week. It's for things that I don't know yet. For the future. For what might come. And that's scary, because to me, that's lacking faith. I pray and pray and attempt to constantly remind myself that God is the Provider of all things. And I KNOW this. I KNOW that He will not let me completely fail, but I also know that my parents cannot supply money to me. And sometimes, it's hard to remember the truth of God's provision when I'm the one giving money to my dad who works two jobs, seven days a week, just so we can barely get by.


Let me end by saying that I realize, now more than ever, the abundance of my blessings. I am in awe of how rich my life and my family's life has been. I have many friends, and know of many other people who are seriously struggling, and I have no idea how they do it. Let me also say that this is not meant to be a "woe is me" or complaint in any way. It is meant to be a sigh of frustration at how much emphasis is placed on money. And lastly, let me say that God is the God of the impossible and I trust in His unwavering support, guidance, and PROVISION.

Holy Spirit

I have been really curious about the Holy Spirit lately. I finished Crazy Love (GO BUY IT NOW!!), and was fully intending on delving into the writings of C.S. Lewis, when a friend (sweet Hallie) and my own curiosity, as well as a plug at the end of the book, led me to Chan's second book: Forgotten God.

So, I bought it, started it, and am a little annoyed because last night I had a good thought I wanted to write about but thought I was too tired to make sense. So I didn't write it, and now I don't remember what it was! Anyways, I'll try to put together bits and pieces of what I was thinking.

It seems like nothing would be better than the literal, physical presence of Jesus. Seriously, there have been so many times I have wanted this. Even a friend and I discussed this Monday night. I can't touch Jesus. I can't laugh with, cry with, or talk with Jesus. I can laugh to (?) Jesus, cry to Him, and talk to Him, but He is not sitting in front of me where I can see Him. So this is where the Holy Spirit comes in right? I feel like the Spirit has been barely, if ever, mentioned as I grew up. I guess it comes from a lack of understanding, but yet we consider it a part of the Trinity. The Trinity implies that there are 3 parts to God, yet all God. So does that mean that we are assuming the Spirit is less than God? After all, we do ignore it. What would we say if we ignored Jesus, and didn't utilize the avenues and power we have to Him and through Him? That's an insult to what He has done and is doing. So why is it ok to do that with the Holy Spirit?

Jesus told us in John 16 that it is for the best that He go away. He was saying that if He didn't, we would not receive our Advocate, Counselor, Holy Spirit. Basically, He was saying that having the Spirit with us, in us, was better than having Him physically with us. Not only that, but John 14 says that Jesus will send us ANOTHER Advocate. Meaning that the One He sends is like Him!
That Advocate that Jesus sent, which is like Him, is living in us. (1 Corinthians 6:19,20).


So don't you think that we should act differently from the people who don't have Him?
So...why don't we?

Things are starting to make more sense...
And as always, I am BLOWN AWAY by God's provision and the understanding and peace He has given me.
Every night spent on my knees, tears in my eyes, longing to understand what was going on, is coming to an end (I think). There are still some things I don't understand, but I am confident now, more than ever, that God's timing is perfect. And mine is not.

"Don't know what you're made of 'til the one thing that you want
Is coming with the dawn and suddenly changes
Monday syndicate meets everyone the same
All we've lost to the flame, listen to me now"

Syndicate, The Fray




life is hard people.

The disciples had just seen Jesus do yet another miracle. I wonder if they ever got used to it. I wonder if witnessing the feeding of 5000+ with probably not even enough for two people to enjoy today really hit them or if they just accepted it. Afterwords, Jesus immediately sent his disciples away. Out of the 21 translations I looked at, the chosen word half the time is immediately. The others used words like "right away, straight away, as soon as the meal was over, etc." I sense a moment of urgency. Maybe Jesus needed the apostles to be in the boat at a certain time and he was afraid they would miss it. Maybe he had something he needed to tend to. Interesting... but anyway, it has nothing to do with what I started this for :)

So Jesus sends his disciples away while he does crowd control. All we're told is that he told them to get into a boat and go on ahead of him (depending on your translation I guess). So they're on this boat, not knowing where Jesus is or what he's doing (cause I'd say by now they have just gotten used to doing what he says). Jesus spent some time alone, in fact the whole night, and I bet the disciples were wondering what was going on. I can just picture them sitting around, talking, playing some Go Fish, and then a storm comes. There are descriptions of wind and the waves, both working against the men. Needless to say, they were in danger. So then, as if they're not freaked out enough, they see a "ghost," which turns out to be Jesus himself. Yes, not only does He feed over 5000 people, He also walks on water. Jesus tries to comfort them when Peter speaks up. Basically, he's like, OK, if it's really you, then let me walk on this water (paraphrasing, people). Good ole Peter. I think that he secretly just thought it might be cool to walk on water. But anyway, Jesus tells him to come, and Peter "comes." But once he realizes what he's doing, he seriously freaks out and begins to sink. All until he is rescued by Jesus. Jesus is disappointed, asking why Peter doubted Jesus out of his little faith.

I say all this to say really one point that I have talked about over and over recently. My head is swimming with so many uncertainties lately. And when my preacher, pastor, minister, man in suit, mentioned it tonight, it clicked with me again, as a continuous reminder God knows I need. Peter was all for walking on the water when it was his idea. He brought it up, he wanted to do it. It was his action that got him out of the boat. It was his choice and he was in control of it. But as soon as his feet hit the water, he began relying on something, someone, else. It was out of his control. It was up to Jesus then. Now, Peter is well-known in the church. He was an avid follower of Christ, claiming to never forsake Him (although he would later). So this wasn't someone who was necessarily struggling to trust in Jesus. He did well at first, even walking a little ways. But as soon as he noticed the world around him, out of order, he began to sink. He doubted that he would be ok because he had nothing to do with it. Then, Jesus reached out to save him, wishing he didn't have such small faith. When they got back in the boat, everyone was quick to worship Him now that He had proven Himself to be trustworthy.

When things are in my control, my choice, my actions, I'm ok. But when I can't figure things out, big things, I start to freak out like Peter just a little bit. It becomes really easy to sink when I can't see Jesus "proving himself," or when the wind and the waves come crashing in all around me. I'm still learning.

(Matthew 14).

I have more, but it relates to a different topic so I'll write it later.

in this world you will have many troubles...

pray for me friends. I need a lot of understanding in my life right now.


There is a serious battle going on right now. I know I am not alone in this feeling, so I'll try to put words to it for the benefit of others. I feel a lot of pressure, especially right now, to live up to the world's standards. Annoyingly enough, many of you (whoever actually reads this) know that I am having to make the seemingly impossible decision to pick a school to attend in the fall. Even more annoying is the CONSTANT unwanted "advice" I seem to be getting from everyone, even people who don't really know me. More than that, I am feeling pressure to pick a career. My family, people around me, the world at large, wants me to pick a career that will make me a lot of money and keep me COMFORTABLE for the rest of my life. The very thing that sounds disgusting to me. Of course I want my future family to be happy, of course I don't want to have to stress about money, but money isn't everything, believe me. They don't want me to have to sacrifice by being in a job that I may happen to love, but making no money from it. Truth is, working somewhere to make a lot of money where I am miserable IS a sacrifice to me. Paul has taught me to be content no matter where God puts me, but why would I willingly choose something my heart is not calling me to JUST because other people think I should make a lot of money in a steady job later? To me, that is lack of faith. I believe with all of my heart that the Creator of this Universe will provide for me. I WILL NOT worry about something like that when I have no control over it.

I want to be in God's way. In His way so much that I am consumed by Him and can't see my way out.
I want to LOVE everyone, even though "I am sensitive, not cut out for that, and am going to be heartbroken all the time." SO WHAT. That. is. why. I. am. here.
I never want to live in a 2 story house with 2 expensive cars in the driveway, oblivious and comfortable to the hurt of the world around me.

I know that people cannot understand me. Most people do not think like that. It's too "radical". And maybe so, but I believe that those things are what Jesus considered normal. The world around me is pulling me in the opposite direction of the path of God. He knew it would happen, and didn't hesitate to tell us (Matthew 7:13). I can no longer long for understanding from people. I have come to find that my life is going to be a constant battle. A battle for understanding from this world (which really isn't even worth searching for), for understanding from my parents and family, and for understanding for myself. But I run the race, to get the prize at the end.

"Don’t you realize that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize? So run to win!" 1 Corinthians 9:24

"We are merely moving shadows, and all our busy rushing ends in nothing. We heap up wealth, not knowing who will spend it."
Psalm 39:6


"He ransoms me and keeps me safe from the battle waged against me..."
Psalm 55:18

I am a person of great detail.
A post it note on my door means SO much more to me than a very public post on my facebook wall.
The mom to one of my kids already knowing who I am because her little daughter talks about me means so much more than getting publicly announced as the world's greatest extended day worker.
Someone asking if I'm ok when I am clearly not means so much more than asking one of my friends if I'm ok.
Someone remembering that I have a huge test coming up and wishing me luck means so much more than pretending to care.
I long for people to care about me. I wish I could find a strong enough word for that. My heart is heavy today because of many circumstances, but I am so incredibly tired of wishing people cared. It's not about recognition, although, ashamedly I sometimes make it that way, and it's not about how many friends I have. I would rather have one or two genuine friends who care then have 500 facebook friends who don't even know my favorite color. I struggle with people's intentions anyway, but I have a hard time finding stock in anything people say or do if they don't know the details. It just hurts, that's all there is to it.

Sometimes I wonder, though, if this is just another one of "life's little lessons." When I don't and can't depend on others, God is the only thing I have left to depend on. Maybe that's the point. As much as it hurts to feel alone, I know that God always picks me up when I have fallen. He catches my tears in his bottle and he hurts when I hurt. He is near to the broken hearted. And I have no doubt that this wont last forever. He warms my soul when I sit on my carpet and cry. He puts a smile on my face when it doesn't seem possible. He loves me when I don't love myself. He helps me love those who don't love me. And I know that as much as I long for human companionship sometimes, He is all I want.

Call Your name every day
when I feel so helpless
I've fallen down
but I'll rise above this.
-Rise Above This, Seether.

Your mind is swollen
From months of thought without release
They've taken their toll on you
This very moment
Of timid and fragile honesty
Is precious and rare and fleeting


if my soul had words, this is what it would say.

ALL things new.

over 13 inches of rain killed about 15 people in 2 days.
(numbers vary depending on source)

This makes no sense to me. Friday afternoon, someone happened to mention that the weather would be bad this weekend, and my first thought was that I would get to finally wear my new rain boots. I had NO idea what was coming. I had an exam Saturday morning, and because I can never quite sleep through the night, I woke up at about 6 AM and I recall it already raining. About 2 hours later when I actually had to get up, I thought it was really strange that it was still raining. Usually, it rains for a few hours then stops. But since Nashville weather is so ridiculous, I thought nothing more about it.
Saturday carried on, and the rain never stopped. I decided to get away from campus for the night and go help my older sister paint her new house. Still. Raining. It wasn't until I got on the road that I realized how bad it was. The roads just trying to get out of Lipscomb were already flooding, and I was shocked at how quickly it had happened. I finally made it to Valerie's apartment after taking a detour because the road through the Ellington Agricultural Center was flooded so high only the tip of the fences surrounding the fields to the left and right could be seen. I spent all of Saturday and Sunday, waiting the storm out. Valerie and Brandon don't have cable, radio, or internet at the house yet, so we were relying solely off of what people were calling and telling us. I wasn't scared until I was told that 2 storms, both with funnel rotation, were going to hit us until 5 AM Sunday morning. Praying for God to hold us, we finally went to sleep.
I wasn't able to get back to school until about noon this afternoon. We drove around a little bit on Sunday and today to see the damage and it is truly humbling. My family and I are safe and our houses are safe, but there are TOO many who aren't. But regardless, God is good.

He is teaching me a lot lately about "making all things new". This situation is no exception. Today, it was like it had never rained. Driving back to school, it was almost as if nothing had happened. It was only when I looked closely that I noticed any damage. The sun and clouds were out, and it was warm. Just an indication that He is making all things new. The storm does stop. It will stop. And although it wreaked havoc on everything it touched, life comes from devastation. I'm not just talking about some flooding either.

the slow work of God.

Above all, trust in the slow work of God.
We are, quite naturally,
Impatient in everything to reach the end
without delay.
We should like to skip
the intermediate stages.
We are impatient of being
on the way to something unknown,
something new.
And yet it is the law of all progress
that it is made by passing through
some stages on instability--
And that it may take a very long time.

And so I think it is with you.
Your ideas mature gradually--
let them grow,
let them shape themselves,
without undue haste.
Don't try to force them on,
as though you could be today
what time (that is to say, grace and circumstances
acting on your own good will)
will make you tomorrow.

Only God could say what this new spirit
gradually forming within you will be.
Give our Lord the benefit of believing
that his hand is leading you,
and accept the anxiety of
feeling yourself in suspense and incomplete

-Teilhard de Chardin

let them shape themselves,
let them grow,
Your ideas mature gradually--
And so I think it is with you.

Vulnerable! Ahhh!

Vulnerability is not something I do. Seriously, it takes a lot for me to share certain things with people. Even things that most are not that hesitant to share, I don't. Not because I want to be secretive or whatever, but because I don't trust people very easily. And I ALWAYS question people's intentions. Just comes from a lot of bad experiences. And if, by chance, I happen to be somewhat transparent with you, it must mean that I deem you worthy to tell things to. But even then, I usually get screwed over.

But today at breakfast I was just amazed. I decided a while ago to try to make myself totally vulnerable to God. It wasn't easy, it took a while, and I'm still working on it. But the more and more I become transparent with Him, the more He blesses me. I can't even really wrap my head around it, so I can't really find the words for it either. What I kept going back to was it's like I'm waiting to be let down. Unfairly, I sometimes treat God as a fallen human. I'm just waiting to be disappointed and hurt when I choose to even give a little of myself away.
But He never lets me down.
He always remains faithful.
And I don't understand it at all

"If we are unfaithful, He remains faithful, for he cannot deny who He is."
2 Timothy 2:13

Faithfulness

Yesterday was a strange day indeed. Something changes in me when the rain comes.
After raining all day, there was about an hour break between 6 and 7 PM. A friend and I were outside on the porch of Elam waiting for a ride. I always notice the clouds, but this time they were different. It was so cool to see the blue sky blotted here and there with streaks of white cloud. The wind was blowing pretty hard, and as I continued to watch, I saw some dark clouds coming from the right. They were threatening to ruin the beautiful sight. But because the wind was blowing, the dark clouds blew in front of the white ones: disappearing almost as quickly as they had come. The white stayed put while the black passed on.

Such an obvious promise of God's faithfulness, something I think I needed at that moment. The white stays put, and the black passes on.