I think I've got it all wrong.

I'm sitting here in the dark hallway, grapes and Cheez-it's by my side, blankly staring at all the junk in my room, listening to The Weepies put words to how I feel, only wishing I could somehow push my heart through this computer screen to you and let that be enough. I am feeling too many things for one, or even two, people.
"The whole world is moving and I'm standing still."
I have lost the capability to handle things well. I am on "automatic mode" and cannot get out of it. Cannot feel. For a long time now I have handled things out of necessity. I have not taken the time to stop. think. feel out how things truly are. So much has happened to me that I quickly try to deal with any little thing that comes up and MOVE ON. Only ever wanting to move on. It's taking a real toll on me and I'm getting frustrated even as we speak that I don't have adequate words for this. And I didn't even realize it til last night!
When I got home I decided to go for a run. I don't usually run at night, but it's been so hot that running at any other time is almost a death wish. Walking to the edge of my driveway, I was consumed with the quiet atmosphere of the planet, almost as if it was daring me to make a noise. I began to run and simultaneously began talking to God. We've had a rocky relationship lately, due to the fact that I have had the hardest time talking to him. And because I feel like I'm swimming around in utter uncertainty and can't see my way out. So I just talked. Explaining how badly I just want to be His servant, I just want to be with Him and that's IT. I'm tired of all these theories and biblical knowledge that are supposed to help only leaving me feeling more empty. And then I asked that he show me the road. I remember this well because I was coming up on a 2-way stop and was thinking about which way to go. As I crossed over, it occurred to me that I'm going about this ALL wrong. I'm trying to "fix" the wrong things.

"But when the Pharisees heard that he had silenced the Sadducees with his reply, they met together to question him again. One of them, an expert in religious law, tried to trap him with this question: 'Teacher, which is the most important commandment in the law of Moses?'

Jesus replied, 'You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.” Matthew 22

I am working on all these little things, however important they may be, without fixing the main ingredient. I can't be at peace with others, with myself, with all this biblical knowledge, if I don't love God. That seems like a bold statement, I guess, but truly loving God, as we are commanded, is not easy at all.
So I am trying. I have no idea how to love a Being that has never given me a reason NOT to love him. I don't know what it looks like to love God in this way, and I don't know how to get there. All I know is, nothing else will work if that doesn't.