Individual Will of God

I don't think that exists.

I will be the first to admit that I have expressed my desire for this thing and have even said that a certain event must have been because of that. But after my bible class today, I'm not so sure of that anymore.

Last year, I lost my faith for a time. It was a slow, gradual process of frustration because I was convincing myself, with Satan's help, that God was not doing his part in showing me what He wanted me to do. I mean very specifically showing me what He wanted me to do. Am I ever told that will happen? Yes, I believe that God has a sovereign will for this earth, for his people. Yes, I believe that God has a moral will for his people, and there are definitely scriptures to go along with both of those things. But what I was looking for, what I catch myself looking for even now sometimes, is for God to tell me what to do when the decision is tough. And I don't think that's going to happen. I can drive myself crazy, and have seen others do the same, from the idea that God is not "answering." It can even make me doubt God. But is this an idea that I have actually gotten from God? From His word? Or is it just another idea that commercialized Christianity has stuffed in my head?

Let's have visuals, shall we? I was a student at Lipscomb University last year. Rewinding a little, as of about January of my senior year (2009), I was determined to be a student at Freed Hardeman University, but after a tour of the Lipscomb campus, I decided to go there. Does that mean that God's individual will/plan changed for me? Does it make sense for Him to one minute "lead" or "tell" me to go to Freed but the next to do the same for Lipscomb? That seems to diminish the power of God, putting Him on a human level by implying that He changed his mind when He realized it wasn't the "right choice." Not only that, but that means that God is confusing and misleading. You may argue the point, then, by saying that it was God's plan all along for me to go to Lipscomb; that the struggle of deciding between the two was only in effort, on God's part, mind you, because that's what you're suggesting, to make me stronger. I'm not convinced that's how it works. Truthfully, we will not know until we can ask God ourselves, face to face (or however He chooses to do it). In contrast, I believe that God has a plan from the start. It took me awhile to realize this when thinking about why He even created Adam and Eve if He knew they were just going to fail, but I do think that He has a sovereign plan, as mentioned earlier.

Here's a different, maybe more clear way of explaining my thoughts. Say I placed a sparkly pink princess crown and a basketball in front of my baby girl Keylahni. My intentions, my will, what I see playing out for her, is that she take the basketball because I know that basketball is fun, good exercise, and will benefit her later on. Sure, the pink sparkly crown is wonderful in its own way, but that's not what I have in mind for her. Picture her sitting there, struggling to decipher which one I want her to take. She's weighing the options, trying to go through every scenario, and getting frustrated that I'm not telling her which one to pick because she just wants to make me happy. I, on the other hand, am looking at her, NOT telling her what I want her to do because I know her well enough to know that she wants the pink sparkly crown. Telling her to choose the basketball does not make her happy. We can have fun and make good things come out of a pink sparkly crown just as much as we could out of the basketball-just in different ways. Keylahni may even come to resent me for NOT telling her which to choose. When in reality, both can be good. Does that make sense?

I think this happens a lot with life choices such as careers and who to marry. We, and by we I mean I, want God to just lay it out there-send me a letter or something. I want to please Him by making the right choice. But I wonder if maybe it's more about the fact that God has laid out many choices, all potentially good, and is waiting and willing for us to decide. He can make good out of anything, but Him telling me exactly what I should do negates any free will that He, after all, blessed us with. It also happens a lot with missionaries and where they should begin. EVERYONE needs saving. God will work out His sovereign plan through you or without you regardless (see Esther 4.14-I realize that this is talking about deliverance for the Jews, but it's the same general concept...).

Just food for thoughts...a lot of this is based on reasoning, feeling, and looking to past experience, not necessarily my study of a million scriptures, although I have a lot in my brain. I encourage you to do that on your own. C.S. Lewis is famous for stating that basically, if this doesn't help, then leave it. It was just freeing to me to come to this realization.