This morning I woke up and my mind was already reeling. Sometimes I have days like this, and I'm really unsure why. Before, I would cave into my self-attacking thoughts, but Abba has brought me so far on this journey. And this morning, He provided again.

In my house church on Wednesday nights, we are reading Jesus Wants to Save Christians, by Rob Bell. We usually read a chapter a week, and last night's chapter revolved around basically what we, as Americans, are doing with the resources we have. It wasn't until this morning that it bothered me, though. I am very much a person of action. I hate "talk." If you aren't going to back up your words with actions, don't say them to me. I will have more respect for you if you don't. And this morning, Satan was planting thoughts into my head of insignificance. He was helping me feel extremely guilty, coming face to face with all the things I don't do. I don't give enough money, I don't sacrifice enough, I don't spend enough time doing fill-in-the-blank. But the calming Spirit of Christ overwhelmed as He put these thoughts into my head:

"I desire mercy, not sacrifice." Matthew 10. This particular passage is talking about Jesus' relationship with sinners and those who think they're righteous, but I feel like it similarly applies to the false concept of works that I often have.

Hosea 6:6:
"I want you to show love, not offer sacrifices.
I want you to know Me more than I want burnt offerings."
This passage wrapped my heart in peace. I'm not trying to negate the importance of works; however, I AM trying to negate the burdens that come with "not doing enough." We will never be enough. That's the beauty of it.

Lastly, I was brought to the story of Mary and Martha. I'm just going to write it. You read it. You come to know it. You take from it what it means to you.

"As Jesus and the disciples continued on their way to Jerusalem, they came to a certain village where a woman named Martha welcomed him into her home. Her sister, Mary, sat at the Lord’s feet, listening to what he taught. But Martha was distracted by the big dinner she was preparing. She came to Jesus and said, “Lord, doesn’t it seem unfair to you that my sister just sits here while I do all the work? Tell her to come and help me.”

But the Lord said to her, 'My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details! There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her.'" Luke 10:38-42

Take heart. Let your works bring honor to Him and for no other reason. He chose us WHILE WE WERE STILL SINNERS.

how beautiful is His love
how powerful is His grace
how relieving His forgiveness

Kevin.

It's time to share. Not sharing only does a disgrace to this beautiful little boy.

If you don't know, I spent my spring break in Honduras. My team and I worked at an orphanage called Por Los Niños constructing a new roof for one of their four houses. When we weren't working, we were playing/bonding/becoming attached with the kids.

I loved every single one of them, even Erlin who always acted like a punk to me. But one little boy holds my heart. Kevin.

I don't remember meeting Kevin, really. Looking back, I remember taking a picture of him when he and the rest of the kids were exercising on the basketball court, but that was it. I didn't think anything about it. I didn't know his story and never thought he would have had such an impact on me.

Kevin was born with what was described to me as fibrodisplasia (but after some research, I'm not sure that's exactly it...what do I know.) When his biological mother discovered this, she wanted nothing to do with him. I cannot speak for her, but I imagine she saw him as a burden. Life in Honduras is difficult enough without a crippled child...right? So she placed Kevin in some reeds on the side of a mountain. In some reeds. Much like another story of a little boy I have heard countless times. A little boy who was put in some reeds on the side of a riverbank, only to one day deliver God's people from oppression. To redeem them. Incredibly fitting for Kevin's story, too.

Another woman, whom Kevin would come to know as "Auntie," found Kevin one day and apparently recognized him as the child of this woman, Kevin's biological mom. She went to her, asking what she was doing with Kevin. When she said she didn't want him, this "Auntie" asked her if she could have him. Well, his mom didn't want him before, why would she now? With that, "Auntie" took Kevin as her own, making him one of eventually four children.

That is, until she realized just how much medical attention Kevin would need. Before the age of six, Kevin had been in and out of the hospital countless times. I say "countless" because Por Los Niños doesn't even know how many times. They were only told by the people where Kevin lived that he was in and out of the hospital all the time. Not only that, but "Auntie" always submitted him under a different name, making it significantly more difficult for Les and Jeanell (the couple over Por Los Niños) to find his medical records in the future.

As time when on, "Auntie's" husband left her alone with her three biological kids, and Kevin. The pressure became too much for her and she made the decision one day that Kevin had to go. She couldn't take care of him anymore. Bringing him to Por Los Niños around 2004, she left him. The second time he would be given up in only six years of life. Les and Jeanell quickly acted, taking Kevin to hospitals all over the country. Time after time, Kevin was mistreated. One time, a metal pin was put in his leg to hold it up, for no beneficial reason. Jeanell could only be with him from 7AM-7PM, and when she would come in the morning, she would find him lying in filth because no one would take him to the bathroom. The doctors refused to tell Les and Jeanell what was wrong, saying they didn't deserve to know, getting so bad that Les finally called their lawyer in Texas to see what options they had. Because God is good, because He redeems, because that's the story of Kevin's life, he applied and was accepted to Scottish Rite hospital in Texas. By age six, Kevin's left leg was only an inch shorter, but he had gone through so many surgeries, so much pain. In fact, he had a large scar across his back, of which I've seen, that was there before he even came to Por Los Niños. There is no telling what was done to him. They could only this Texas hospital would bring hope.

But it brought more of the same. Kevin left Texas with the heartbreaking news that he could not be "fixed." All they could offer was a prosthetic to go in his shoe that would give him the appearance of standing at the same height. He has to go back about every six months for new experiments and another inch to his prosthetic. Today, it is four inches tall. He goes back to Texas in April or May for yet more diagnosis'.

But when I met Kevin, I didn't know about his disease. He was a quiet little boy with a sweet smile. By day two, he had given me a least five drawings, another reason we clicked so well, and I would later find that giving is what Kevin does. It's his love language. As we spent more time together, I became aware of his disability, more so than he ever would. He couldn't run and play like the other boys, often getting stuck as goalie in soccer, or not being able to play at all. When the other little boys would kick the ball away from Kevin because he couldn't get there fast enough, I would almost get angry. Defensive of my little one, almost like a mother. But Kevin was never phased. He never spoke a harsh word. He never got angry and always kept that sweet smile.

Kevin continues to teach me. He has seen more life in his now eleven years than I probably ever will. But when he looks at me with his chocolate eyes and dimples, when I see him ride his bike as fast as all the other kids, I believe even more in Redemption. He is Redemption.

"He redeemed my soul from going down to the pit, and I will live to enjoy the light."
Job 33.28

you are free from every single thing that threatens to take hold of your mind
of your heart

you are FREE. it's not even a question
i so desperately want you to know that

deep in our hearts the light of Heaven is shining
upon a soundless Sea without a shore
oh, happy they who found it in resigning,
the images of all that man adore
-Rumi

i walk up the three flights of stairs to third floor Kendall, mind racing, heart beating slow. suddenly my eyes fixate on a bike pump laying haphazardly on a stair of my journey...

i look up from my cool seat on the bodega floor: dirty, sweaty, and so full of joy i might explode. we have been pumping these bike wheels for what seems like forever and they are still flat! i look around me, room filled with bikes and people attending to them, barely able to wait for the moment we will give these to our kids. only imaging the elation that will cover their faces.

sitting at the red light on the corner of main and some other street that i don't care about, my head is hurting, but it cannot even enter the competition with my heart. "thank you for loving Kevin." behind me, someone's music is blaring...

i lazily sit in this yellow chair, wishing this could go on forever. sitting at house number 1, i am waiting for a task to do, but more eagerly waiting for the kids to get out of school. from inside the house, i hear the blaring songs of Akon and the Black Eyed Peas, chuckling to myself and allowing the angelic voices of those singing along to soothe me into rest.

today, it will be ok. ipod playing music that i love, laundry in the washer, watercolors awaiting me in my bag. today, i will be ok. i desire coffee, i desire anything that makes me feel normal. pouring the grounds into the machine, i pray that it will be a strong cup...

"un cafe, por favor." the beautiful lady behind the counter hands me a saucer and white cup filled with dark brown coffee, matching the depth behind her eyes. i sprinkle non-dairy, powdered creamer, which i don't even like, along with big grains of caramel colored sugar into the cup, watching it sink to the bottom and disappear. slowly, confidently, i lift the coffee to my lips and drink. it may be the best coffee i have had in my entire life.

I sit in the yellow chair, worn from rain and weary bodies
The breeze blows my stray stands of hair as I doze off, listening to ladies singing along to Akon and other popular American music.
The rich smell of beans and some other fragrance, reminding me of Thanksgiving, fills the air.
To my left, a joyful game of soccer; to my right, purple, brown, and black mountains whose tips kiss the clouds.

Honduras.

the brown dust hits my feet, filling my lungs with sweet memories and lost dreams.

dust becomes mud in the never-ending gaze of deep-set eyes in faces of angels.

mud becomes velvet in the matted hair of loose braids, belonging to whirling dervishes.

a smile creeps across my teeth, reaching my lungs, heart, soul.

dust to dust.

you are me.

i am you.

Honduras. how i’ve missed you. oh. how i’ve missed you.

i meet the parts i left here, stepping back into the fading footsteps.

remembering this rock, remembering this Sun, breath fills the corners of my mind.

relief

warmth

peace

love

home.

March 7th

I read a book called Jesus Calling ever day. Basically, it's a daily devo. I got it last year around the time I started school and journaled in it nearly every day. It's been really interesting, and a whole slough of other emotions, to read where I was last year compared to where I am now. Anyways, here's today's:

"Let Me help you through this day. The challenges you face are far too great for you to handle alone. You are keenly aware of your helplessness in the scheme of events you face. This awareness opens up a choice: to doggedly go it alone or to walk with Me in humble steps of dependence. Actually, this choice is continually before you, but difficulties highlight the decision-making process. So consider it all joy whenever you are enveloped in various trials. These are gifts from Me, reminding you to rely on Me alone."

And this is what I wrote below it:
"A preface maybe for this week.
Finding out my diagnosis today."

Last January, the beginning effects of what I would later find out to be "5th's Disease" attacked my body. Slowly but surely, it reached the point that I was essentially an invalid. I couldn't even switch on my heater without cringing and wanting to cry. It was the last straw of my Job Journey. By spring break, they had taken 4 tubes of blood out of my arm, testing me for Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis, and this day, March 7, 2010, I was going to find out the results. If that doesn't sound bad enough, remember that I am an artist. If I had had RA, my ability to draw would have become increasingly more difficult.
But my blood came back "perfect."
In two months I would find out it was 5th's Disease, something that would mostly go away within a year.

He Redeems.

the worst thing you could ever do is ignore a person, without explanation.
no one deserves that.