"I know exactly what I need to do. I know what God wants. Surrender is required, yes, but I don't want to."
I arrived in Memphis with a backseat full of stuff, heart on the edge of freaking out, and healing just around the corner. Behind me was a semester of hard knocks, bad relationships, and a very confused family in a whirlwind of change. And I wasn't ready. I shut myself up so tightly, nothing was getting in. I was determined.
Saturday night, I cried myself to sleep. "What am I doing here?" "I take it back, no no no this isn't right." An overwhelming feeling of discomfort was settling in, and it was true. I was about to be really uncomfortable. The next morning, the sermon was on Micah 6.8. The usual preacher wasn't there. It was just a random fill-in. But it wasn't for me. Because Micah 6.8 is taped to my computer. Micah 6.8 had been on my heart the whole week before I even got to Memphis. God showed me. I knew I was supposed to be in Memphis.
I learned I stumbled I loved I hurt I fell I got up I walked tall I walked even taller I loved some more I was loved I hurt I doubted I cried I felt angry I felt alone I fell. I got up. I fell. I stayed on my knees I begged and begged and begged I learned I loved. I was loved.
And again, I am back in Nashville. God brought me full circle. There are no words intimate or expressive enough to provide the details. But if there's one thing I've learned is that there's no point in frantically searching for solid ground all the time when instead...I'm being carried.
I am about to go though the same thing, but, I believe, it will be more extreme. I am leaving for France in about 21 days to study in Amiens. I am not freaking out because I told myself not to... I am leaving everything I know to live in France for 9 months. I am leaving my home, the little house I grew up in, and never going to see it again because my parents are building another.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to a place I have dreamed of, but only know basic facts about it. I cannot speak the language fluently, I don't know where I wil be in the dorms, I don't know if there are other Americans, I don't know the internet situation, I have to take care of a Visa.... there is so much I am scared of....really...It is like going to college again out of high school except more MAJOR.
I can't cry when I leave because my mom is going to be upset.... she has too much on her... she needs support. I am scared to cry but I know I will in France alone. I am scared I will be just that alone.
I am tying to talk to God... but I have been frustrated with it lately. I must, remember as you said , I will be carried --like the poem of footprint in the sand.
Also, I want to see you before I leave. :D
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Sydney
Sydney. I just love you. You are so inspiring. REALLY. and how un-coincidental that i saw this today because the quote "Courage is Fear that has said its prayers" has been on my heart. and its true. don't wait to feel courageous because i rarely ever do. Courage comes when you see that mountain and you BELIEVE that God is standing on the other side, smiling, saying "I know it's been really scary, but I've been waiting."
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