La La La

I don't usually do two posts in one day, but some days just call for it.

This is what my house was like tonight. Eight people crammed around a table originally meant for 4. Bliss. It was good to be home. Remembering the scents, how difficult it is to walk in the kitchen without inevitably bumping into someone else. Eating more food than I need. And dancing in the car with my Mini Me on the way to Blockbuster, windows down, music blaring, in order to get Hercules and Snow Caps.
Sweet Jesus, hold me. Thank you for the immense and incomprehensible things you have blessed me with. Help me to see your Light, to be willing and not willful, and to NEVER compromise.

I truly do love y'all. :)

Lukewarm

My heart is so full it feels like it must be sagging.
I am sitting here on my nice, soft, light green couch with my nice, and expensive, laptop on my lap. I'm watching the Vols play basketball, who are winning by the way, on a flat screen TV. The sun is shining through the window in the ceiling, providing just enough light to my air conditioned house. I have enjoyed a GLORIOUS week of little to no responsibility away from school, and tonight I will be enjoying the company of my big family over a huge and filling meal that I don't have to worry about having.
And sometimes I am so befuddled, because there really is no other word, as to WHY, WHY I have all this. Why did God bless me SO MUCH when there are soo many people, ten minutes down the road or across the world, who wouldn't know what to do with even an ounce of what I have. But I will never be made to believe that God loves me more than "those people.'' I will never be made to believe that the poor have done something to deserve what they don't have. Because that would mean that I would have had to do something to deserve what I have and I KNOW that's not the case.

The only solution here is to STOP CARING.
Katie Davis helps me think a lot, and as she pointed out, life's not about avoiding the storms, it's about learning to dance in the rain. I am trying so hard not to become angry with this post as I furiously type away with fire in my fingertips.
Because I CARE so much about being comfortable, someone else, specifically a child, has been UNCOMFORTABLE their whole life.
Because I CARE so much about what other people think of me when I love with my whole heart, a broken, unloved child could DIE when all they needed was a caring touch.
People. LUKEWARM WILL NEVER DO.
I don't believe in helping at arms length. Granted, I don't do NEAR as much as I should to help others and I will always be the first to tell you that, but what is all this about giving money but not being willing to be involved? Presents CANNOT, and will never be, substituted for presence. Money does not and will never heal a broken heart.
I believe, with all my heart, that Jesus has called me to be a part of Him.
This doesn't mean that I can give him the parts that I want while selfishly making myself comfortable in the parts that would be crazy to give up. He will spit me out.
How can we be so complacent?! How can I honestly be content with sitting in church on Sundays and giving a few dollars and then slandering my brothers and sisters the very same day! How can I have my heart broken for the babies who are DYING from completely preventable diseases and then yell at my sister 15 minutes later?!
I CAN'T.
"So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth."
Revelation 3:16

I don't want to tell Jesus, on that unimaginable day when I GET to see Him face to face, that I was too comfortable to help Him.
Stop. Being. So. Complacent.

"I want to BLAZE with You."


I found God today in that: lukewarm will NEVER do.

Compassion

Let me try to express something to y'all. Simply saying I am compassionate is not good enough.

When I was young, I used to pray every night for my baby dolls to turn into real babies when I woke up in the morning. I KNEW God would do that for me (wish I had such blind faith as that sometimes...) And every morning, when they sat on their shelves in all their plastic glory, I would lay in bed and CRY. I wanted SO badly for those baby dolls to be real because I knew I would take such good care of them (or so I thought, hah).

In the same manner, I would sleep with anywhere from 5-7 stuffed animals/dolls a night. And no, they could never be stuffed under the covers with me, or thrown around. They were very carefully tucked in, right beside me, because if not they would suffocate. Duh. I would kiss each and every one goodnight before I would drift to sleep.

As I grew older, I no longer tucked my stuff animals in bed with me, thank goodness, but I became a bit of a hoarder. (This is where this already embarrassing confession time grows worse.) When my mom would force me to FINALLY clean my room, I could not bring it in my heart to get rid of old toys or stuffed animals because I FELT BAD. Yes. You read correctly. I FELT BAD for INANIMATE objects full of stuffing that I hadn't played with in YEARS. Simply because they had been so unloved, untouched, and un-played with for who knows how long. Nevermind the logic of giving them away so that another little girl could ACTUALLY play with them. No, no.

And this trait carried on into my teen and now adult? years. That compassion that was evident when I was so young is the same compassion that makes me blubber at a funeral of a lady I never once laid eyes on (true story). The same compassion that turns into fury when I see Jesus in the face of a child who is neglected, but given all the coolest clothes and toys. But I have to believe that Jesus knows and FEELS this very same compassion for ME. And for EVERY child, father, mother, sister, brother, daughter, and son on this planet.

I say all that to say that you can imagine that lukewarm-ness does not set well with me. Although, personally, lukewarm has different connotations in my life. Feeding one child isn't good enough for me. I want a thousand. Selling one pair of shoes, or even 5, is not good enough for me. I want to sell hundreds. And some people tell me to reign this in. "You aren't cut out [for what you want to do]." "You're being unrealistic." "You can't save the world." No, you're right, I can't. Because Jesus, thankfully, took that load off my shoulders, and I don't want to in any way over step my boundaries there, but I can't sleep at night being lukewarm.

That brings me, as it should, right back to Jesus.
He raised Lazarus FROM THE DEAD. He fed 5,000 people with so little. He healed, loved, and reached out to everyone. His heart broke for those he could and couldn't reach. And he touched the untouchable; physically and emotionally. Don't you think people probably told him that he needed to reign it in? That feeling that much compassion for people would never do him any good, especially when they don't seem to care? That maybe, he wasn't cut out for that?
The point is, HE DID IT.
Yes, He did the seemingly impossible when he fed 5,000 men, not including women and their babies, with what would be enough for two of us Americans, if that.
But those people would be hungry again.
YES, he raised Lazarus from the dead! When his family was weeping and had lost hope.
But Lazarus would eventually die.
He healed, loved, and touched SO many.
Who would eventually be sick again, hate their brother, and sin against Him.

Wouldn't that get discouraging? Why do it? Wouldn't it be so tough to feel like you can't reach who you want to reach, and that when you do, they could turn away?

I don't want to miss Jesus's point. I think it is partly in his healing, but I also think it is in the underlying meaning of his actions. Those people would be hungry again, die (again), and be sick again. But he DID IT ANYWAY. With no hesitation.
It's not about if I feel like I am "cut out for it," it's about DOING IT ANYWAY.
Because if I call myself a Christian, it is expected of me regardless.

It's just a matter of forcing my compassion to go in the right direction ;)



I found God today in: never-ending, radical, unrelenting, COMPASSION.

I am Responsible.

How do I even begin to say what I feel in my heart...

A little over a year ago today, I made the decision to go to Lipscomb University. The forms, paperwork, money, and housing, were sent and set up for a totally different college. But something, for some reason, turned my face towards Lipscomb. Not because of the boyfriend I had at the time, although some felt that way, and I even attributed it to that at one point, and not because of any other reason I could conjure up. In fact, I had GUARANTEED myself that I would NOT go to Lipscomb. But something in me knew I needed to go there. God was with me, beginning his chiseling.

Last summer proved to be the toughest. Lots of situations landed me wanting to be anywhere other than where I was. Especially going to Lipscomb. But God was there, and he had bigger and better plans for me, although my eyes were so blinded from them. A few months into things, and I wanted to be a missionary. I had NEVER had this thought before and if I had, it was of how tough that would be and how much I DIDN'T want that. After all, the 2.5 kids, big house, and high-paying job was already laid out for me, and why I was at college. God was with me, and He had other plans. And that's why I had come to Lipscomb.

Time passed, and the confusing dream and feeling grew dimmer. I had almost talked myself out of it, convincing myself that that was way too difficult. I could NOT handle being around children and people that were sick, dying, hurting, and maybe did not even WANT to know Jesus. That is way too much. I needed to leave that to people who have thicker skin than me. People who don't have quite so much to sacrifice (I know, right.) Because that's what it came down to for me. My parents, the ones who I am just now learning to have a relationship with, will not approve. They will be mad, upset, and quite frankly refuse this. That means I'll have to give up my friends and those around me that I love. I wouldn't be able to even TALK to them maybe. And no more Dr. Pepper. That's just too much. Right? This selfish thought of satan attempted to trample God's ever present whisper of otherwise.

And here I sit, March 18th, sure of NOTHING. Maybe it's because of how much I have read Katie Davis's blog. Maybe it's all the trip planning for Honduras that I'm currently doing. Maybe I'm going crazy? But God's whisper is no longer a whisper. Because even if I don't act God's whisper out, it does NOT go away. Even if, all my live-long years, I choose not to live the life God wants for me, it will ALWAYS be there. An ever-present and lost desire.
I sat in my bathroom, heart pounding, questioning God. Are you SURE? Is this REALLY you talking, or am I just envisioning an unrealistic mission field? Me? Really? You know the length of my patience. It ended yesterday. You know how tender my heart is. You know how much I mess up. You know how little I rely on you sometimes, and how irritatingly independent I can be. You know how long it takes me to learn some things, and how much I should keep my mouth shut sometimes. You KNOW how much I hurt for children and people I do not even know. WHY ME.
"I know the plans I have for you..." Jeremiah 29:11
And over and over in my head, all I could think about was Moses. Moses questioned God 5 times in Exodus 3 and 4. Is he nuts?! He kept protesting. I'm not good enough! I don't speak like some of other people I've heard! I've never won a contest with my writings. I've never saved anyone's life, in fact I TOOK a life (Exodus 2). I have a life here, I have to go to school, I love Dr. Pepper too much, I can't leave my friends and family! I can't leave the woman I love (I obviously added these things for effect ;))
And God said NO. I want you. "I will be with you."
What is left for me to protest? Faith without deeds is dead. James 2:26. Now that I have seen, I am responsible. Brooke Fraser's Albertine.
I. am. responsible.
I can NO longer drown out, water down, or downright ignore God's voice.
Pray for me friends because this is a world-battle I'm not sure I'm prepared to take on. But God is WITH ME. The One who sits on His holy throne CARES enough to whisper to me until He gets my attention. And even then, to NEVER let go of me.


My dear, precious Savior...help. You have set your plan upon my heart and as much as I try, I can no longer ignore you. I don't know where this will lead me or who it will lead me to, but Father I pray that you will NO LONGER make me content. I want what YOU want. I know that I don't always act like this. I argue, and even physically fight back against you in the way of sin. I don't want that life anymore. I want you. and I want you to consume me with your love and your plan, so much so that I can no longer recognize who I once was. But you know me. You know how difficult this will be for me. I pray for never ending patience and wisdom. Wisdom to see what you want me to see, o Father PLEASE make it clear, and wisdom to recognize suffering as discipline and chiseling. Patience, strength, and courage to give up my cross DAILY and take up yours. To die to myself every day, over and over, so that I can be aligned with yours. Thank you for taking notice, for bending down to hear me, and for holding me ever so tightly by the hand.

*Father I pray for him. Only you know how much it hurts. I love him, I want him, and I want him with me on this life journey to find what you want for me. But that's not your plan right now, and I fervently pray that you will make me ok with that. You have already granted me such peace, a peace that can only come from you, and I ask and KNOW you will grant him the same peace. The peace that he so longs for. I pray that you will not only grant him this peace with You, with me, with another relationship, but I pray that you will DROWN him in your love and blessing. So much so that he cannot see his way out of You. I pray he never does. If it is your will for us to meet again on this road later, I REJOICE. And if not, I REJOICE. You have made me SO much better through this angel that touched my life, if only for a year. I hope he knows that this LIVE relationship with you was sparked by him. I hope he knows how much I admire him for his life and faith. If not, I pray you will put that on his heart. Father hold him in your arms, keep him safe, not only from his sport, but throughout all of his life. Help him to never forget how much I love him, think about him, and pray for him. But MORE importantly, how much YOU love him, think about him, and watch over him.
Through all and IN all, Amen.

silence.

EVERY DAY my mind is consumed.
With thoughts
worries
hopes
dreams
anticipations
commercials
images
what I'm doing tomorrow
what I did today
how much I like that outfit
discontent
frustration
sin
grace
love
laughter

silence?

It is close to impossible for me to find quiet. I crave silence sometimes. Literally, all I want to do is sit on my bed with God and listen. And it is quite possibly the hardest thing I've ever tried to do. Because even when I want to, especially when I want to, I can't. I cram my mind and life with so much unnecessary noise that silence becomes more and more difficult to obtain.

Please, take some silent time to read 1 Kings 19 (especially verses 11-12) and watch this video. Over and over and over and over and over again. Every day if that's what it takes for you to remember
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VzpF2aCZN-8&NR=1
*sorry about the Spanish subtitles. Nothin' I can do about that.

search your hearts and be silent.


I found God today: in the gentle whisper

Time

Welp I spent some quality time at Vandy today. They really should not make the walls brown. That is the awfulest color to make the walls of a HOSPITAL. So depressing.
And I would be totally fine if I never went back there again. (Besides this whole 2 month check-up thing)
So anyway, I was there to check and see if I have arthritis. To make a long and boring story short, I've had intense joint pain and swelling since January and something needed to be done. A trip to my personal doctor and 4 tubes of blood later, they told me nothing was wrong.
WHAT.
Something was definitely not right. So, that led me to a Rheumatologist at Vandy. About 2 hours later, the doctor told me it could be one of two things. One, it actually could be Rheumatoid arthritis, which basically means: give it a few months. If it's not better, that's what it is. But the pain wont ever go away.

Two, the one I'm hoping for, is side effects of 5th's Disease. My older sister had this when she was young. That's the thing, it's a disease you're only supposed to get in like kindergarten or 1st grade, and when you get it, you wont even know it. Kids don't get sick from it, and the only real sign is redness on the face. It goes away in a few days. But when adults get it, it acts like Rheumatoid. Swelling and pain in the joints. With kids, it's gone in a few days. With adults, it can take months and even a YEAR to get better. And since I work with precious little angels every day, it is very likely that I have come in contact with the disease multiple times. I just have to wait.

I'm going to Honduras this summer. It is a week before my church's church camp, which I have been asked to help with. I am already going down early to Honduras, but if I helped with church camp I would have to come home 4 days earlier than expected. I may get down there and be glad to leave early, but I also may really regret leaving. There is no way to tell. So as I buy my tickets, I basically just have to guess. Then wait.

I am making a very important decision right now, one that will affect a lot of the future. Although I have some good thoughts and ideas about this decision, I also have some bad ones. This isn't something anyone else can decide for me either. It's all me. And it's also something that I will never be sure about unless I do it. I have to wait and see.

Timing is everything isn't it?

God's been teaching me a whole lot about timing lately. In Deuteronomy, I'm told that He is the Rock and his ways are perfect. Ecclesiastes says that there is a time for everything, and God has made everything beautiful in its time. How does God's time work? Not like ours. Our life is just a breath to him. That's what makes it so difficult for us. God knows no boundaries. He is not contained by time. For us, we have deadlines, appointments, confines. And time is something we never seem to have enough of.

I have no real answer to this difficult trait of God. All I know is, it's important, and really difficult, to remember that God does not work like we work, and He will NOT be restricted the way we are. Luckily, one day we wont have these restrictions.
But until then...

"My times are in your hands..."
Psalm 31:15

Ecclesiastes 3:11-"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end."



I found God today: but NOT in my time.

Do You Know Me?

Lately I've been finding out more and more about God. I've been excited about my finds, and often feel so close to him it brings tears to my eyes.
But then, there are times when I feel like I don't know him AT ALL.
I have no idea what he wants from me
where he wants me to go
or what he's doing.
And I guess I could be frustrated by this, cause it would be easy, but instead, it's better to realize the potential growth from times like that. I'm not meant to know everything, and God can NEVER be put in a box, no matter how much people claim to know about him. I think it's good to be taught this sometimes. (although the ways He teaches us isn't always fun...) To be humbled into realizing that he is soooo much bigger and greater than ANYTHING we can imagine for him.

"My child, don’t reject the Lord’s discipline, and don’t be upset when he corrects you. For the Lord corrects those he loves, just as a father corrects a child in whom he delights."

Proverbs 3:11-12

I found God today in that: sometimes I don't feel like I know Him at all.