"Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be."
-Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat Pray Love

There's a lot of things I could say today.
Even though this is my blog, and I feel I can write freely and honestly, I still find myself holding back a lot in my honesty.
Some days, I just get tired of answering questions. Some days, I get tired of feeling like I am not the way I "should" be.

There's so much I want to say to one particular person. He'll probably ask me about this post later.
Is it cowardly that I can't seem to ever say what I want to say? Is it cowardly that I would rather write it all on here then say it to him because the sound of his voice makes me forget anything I was going to say? Writing comes easily to me, but speaking... not so much these days. It seems to be that way with everyone. I used to be able to talk to a wall with all the small talk I could make up. But now? Now I'm quiet, and I don't know why some days.

Who determines when enough is enough? How am I supposed to know when love is lost? If it were up to me, I would probably fight much longer than most. Maybe due to stupidity, maybe due to a lack of realization of what I'm worth, who knows. I don't think it's either.
But there does come a point when even I know enough is enough. That no matter how much you fight, some people just don't, wont, fight with you. Like waiting for rain in a drought: useless and disappointing.
But it doesn't make it any easier

...

I don't understand why people can't just be honest. Who knows how much better things would be if there was just honesty. Sometimes, people aren't honest because of fear of getting hurt (I do this a lot these days). Sometimes, people aren't honest because they feel it will do no good. So what you have now is good? You don't know when something could be better. And if not for you, for the sake of someone else. And sometimes, people just aren't honest for no reason at all.

Please don't argue with me.
I NEED honesty
I can't hide this from you anymore
You don't know how much you are affecting me
If you ever even considered me a friend, do me a favor and be honest with me
and with yourself
because I can't love you like this anymore
I don't wanna lose to you that way
and that's it

I won't go on like this, even if I love you so much it hurts.
Please don't argue with me.

"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness.
Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism."

and that's all she wrote.

Holy Spirit

So what about the times when God MUST be there? That there is no way, by our own doing, that we would have ended up where we were?

A few nights ago I was sitting in my bed crying. I was scared and sad because I had no idea why I was experiencing a certain physical illness. I had felt this way before around this time, but before it was different. I guess before, I had been aware that I was hurting. Before, I had prayed for comfort and peace with the situation. But this time, I was just sitting and reading, as I always did, and I must have glanced at a drawing, or maybe it was something I read... Nonetheless, I started crying. I didn't pray, I didn't wish that I had someone to talk to (as I had before), I just sat and quietly cried. Not 5 minutes later, 3 girls knocked on my door. These girls NEVER came to my room. In fact, we hadn't really talked that much lately. Not because there was an issue between us, we just led three busy lives I guess. They had come to see my nose ring. That was it. And they find me sitting on my bed, crying. Well, they talked to me and consoled me, and I felt so incredibly better.
That wasn't in my drawing. If I were, alone, drawing my life on that butcher paper (on a previous post if you're confused), I would not have included that.
What do I do with that? At the time, I unmistakeably knew it was God. And I still think it was, I'm just trying to fit all my thoughts together.

Romans 8:26: "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."

This turns into a topic that many people don't want to discuss: the Holy Spirit. If you ask me, the Spirit was working that night.

If indeed I color my own life, with God's guidance and presence, it would be difficult to say that He had that planned. That he knew I would be upset, needing people to talk to. Sometimes, though, when I am coloring, I don't have the right colors. Kids will ask me if what they drew looks good, and sometimes they will even ask which colors to use. The colors they picked out don't always look right together; therefore, they need different ones. They don't have the capacity to always know what looks the best together. I believe that God works in that way, too.
But that night, I didn't say anything to Him.
That night, I was just hurting. And I (think) believe that the Holy Spirit, not God (although the Spirit is God...) was the One working.


Sigh...


I found God today in that: I am still finding him

Part 2?

I've been thinking about my last post a lot.

This morning, in the shower, I got to thinking about prayer. That's generally the first time I pray, haha, and it was like all of a sudden the question of why I pray, especially for others, hit me. Admittedly, prayer has never been easy for me. Growing up, I couldn't grasp the idea of just talking rather than a formal prayer, and now, it's difficult to know what to say. It's hard for me to know what to say on behalf of others particularly. Sometimes all I'm left with is just speaking their name.

And I was thinking about all the thoughts and writing of last night. If we are, in a sense, master's of our own fate, then why is prayer even necessary? If we choose to color outside the lines, make a masterpiece, or make a big picture of brown muck, then why do we need to pray?
It always came back to the realization that God still provides everything. He gives me those crayons and that paper. He gives me guidance, when I ask for it, and lovingly watches over me. And prayer is about thanksgiving, supplication, and repentance, right? All things provided for by God.

It still doesn't answer questions like in Acts 13 and 16 when Paul (which the scriptures interestingly enough switch from Saul to Paul here) and Barnabas were influenced by the Holy Spirit. In chapter 13, Paul and Barnabas were SENT out by the Holy Spirit. In chapter 16, they were actually PREVENTED from going to Asia. Some argue that the Holy Spirit isn't really God, just a conscious of some sort that we have. Others would argue that the Holy Spirit is very much a part of God. Does this contradict with free will?
I have some thoughts, but they aren't quite formulated yet...


I used to not particularly like the rain until I watched the Nooma video entitled "Rain."
Now, to me, it means "I love you buddy. We're gunna make it."



I found God today in: the questions and the rain

Butcher Paper and a Box of Crayons

Let me try to collect my thoughts here... They're kind of all over the place after tonight.
First of all, Don Miller is amazing.

My WHOLE entire life I have heard that God has a plan for me. That everything in my life was previously orchestrated and plays out accordingly. "Everything happens for a reason" and nothing is a coincidence. This would have to mean that God has meticulously planned out the details of every single person's life, giving them a plan on how to live... right? I've also been told that Jesus fulfills us. That "we have a a hole in our heart that needs to be filled. We try to fill it with a square peg of drugs, sex, alcohol, rock and roll, but Jesus, the round peg, is the only thing that will fill us."

Buckle up, cause I'm about to seriously challenge these beliefs.

1. Ok, so everything happens for a reason. God has a plan for your life, for my life. That means that everything that has happened, is happening, and will happen to us is already layed out for us. As a child, my mom picked out my clothes for me. She laid out what SHE wanted me to wear by design. When a child reaches a certain age, they no longer want to be told what to wear. They want to decide for themselves and will even reject the idea their parents have presented. So this idea, and what I have believed for so long, is completely contradictory to another belief Christians so strongly hold onto: free will. If God were to sit back and completely plan out EVERYTHING, that would leave us no choice. That is not free will. That is forced love. That would mean that God has decided how he wants us to live, and at the end of the day, our day was not a choice we made, but rather a choice already made for us. That's not who God is (I think, I hope). He is living, He is in our lives, He is present, but he does not make decisions for us. If he were to do that, Eve probably wouldn't have eaten that fruit. We say we "have a friend in Jesus." Think about it. Would you want a friend that makes all your choices for you?
You might say, well if God wants us to make our own decisions, then why does he give us "rules" to follow. Again, he is not forcing you to follow those guidelines. He knows that if you live in the way he suggests, your life will be so much more rewarding, so much more fulfilling, but he does not force you to follow those rules. I think the idea the God has a plan already decided for us is what causes so much hurt, ironically, over suffering. If God has a plan, then why do we suffer...

Don Miller gave an exciting example of what God's plan for our lives might actually look like. He suggested that our lives are like one big sheet of butcher paper (basically a thicker version of regular paper, just used to keep meat cold, hah) and God gives us a big box of crayons (my favorite part!!!) and we are left to draw. He watches us, lovingly, praises us for our beautiful drawing, and guides us when we ask for it. But he doesn't draw for us. We wouldn't want that, and he knows it.

2. Square peg in a round hole? I'm just wondering who came up with this? I'm amazed at how much commercialism has consumed Christian beliefs. I have come to find that a lot, if not most, of the things I believe in are not really even biblical. They are just "nice ideas" that someone somewhere came up with. Well, Jesus is, apparently, a round peg (wonder how he would feel about that). The only peg that will fill this so-called hole we have in our hearts. Ok, well. We do need to be fulfilled by God, and Jesus came to do that for us. But there are so so many other ways that we need to be fulfilled in, too. If Jesus was the round peg to fill this hole, that suggests that we should not want for anything and if we do, we've done something wrong. How can we live like this? WE CAN'T. This would mean that being fulfilled by Jesus is something we have done or could do, and we can't. If the only way Adam needed to be fulfilled was one single round peg by God (who WALKED in the garden, by the way (Genesis 3:8)), then why did he create Eve? God knew that although Adam was fortunate enough to be in such close communion with him, he needed more. Since I became a Christian, I have had plenty of bad days. Does this mean that I haven't let Jesus be the round peg? No, it just means I am human and live in a fallen world. We need food, water, love, affirmation, relationship, clothes. We have those, and many other, holes in our heart as well. Jesus is the round peg in a sense that he fills the "God-portion" of our holes. BUT, we have to have these other things to be fulfilled too. And the only way we CAN get those is if Jesus does it. So it's not like Jesus only has this tiny part of us, he fulfills EVERYTHING, but through different means. Make sense? I'm not sure it makes sense to me either just yet, I'm still grasping it. Believing such a constricting thing for so long can make it tough to see otherwise.

Don Miller is responsible for many of these thoughts I'm having. He completely shattered my mind-set tonight, and left me shaken.
Shaken, but so utterly, deliciously, giddily? free.

Please give me feedback! It's not fun talking to myself...



I found God today in: butcher paper and a box of crayons

Make Way!

How come we feel like we can't ever sit still?
As spring break approaches, I realize how desperately I need it. Why? Because I am frazzled, exhausted in every aspect, and burnt out. Why's that? Because I have OVER-LOADED myself. If I have an ounce of downtime, that's just time to add more things to do. And I know entirely too many people who live the exact same way.

Something is so so wrong with this. I have given myself so much to do, that I no longer find room to just THINK. Even writing is becoming difficult. I have to squeeze these writings in, often struggling for things to write without just repeating the same thing post after post, even if it is how I am feeling.
I write witty papers, often full of information just taking up space, take detailed notes, and participate in classes. Ritual.
I go to work, tell kids to go down the slide the right way, sit those deserving in time out, tie countless shoes, and deal with problems without actually even attempting to care. Ritual.
Come back, eat, homework, study, read, hang out, sleep. RITUAL.
I guess I really realized this when I was with my Little on Tuesday morning. We were sitting there playing Connect 4 and all I could think about was if I wanted to get coffee when I got back to school! I was there physically, but mentally, I was already onto the next thing I had to get done.

Wasn't signing up for BBBS supposed to be fullfilling, not burdensome?
Isn't school supposed to be a time to grow, learn, and experience, not just get through?
Aren't Y.E.S, PKS, and work supposed to be enjoyable experiences that I CHOOSE to do, not just "another thing to do?"
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
These things are fulfilling and enjoyable, but because I have created NO space in my mind for myself, they have become horrors. Things that were supposed to bring me joy often leave me cranky and tired, full of complaints. I like to go to the cafeteria or Starbucks in the morning to sit and read some Psalms or something. It seems to be the only 20 minutes of my day where I don't have any responsibilities. Yet, even this is turning into 15 minutes...10... and eventually, it will turn into something that I may do occasionally. I used to look forward to starting my day in this way, but now that I am staying up later and doing more work, those few minutes of sleep I am missing really irritate me some mornings.
And that is so sad. First, that I have carved out only 20 minutes of a whole 24 hours where I personally dedicate my time to my Love, and secondly that I am slowly letting it dwindle away.

And I personally feel that all this craziness starts when we decide to live our lives for everyone else. It is incredibly ironic really. Doing things for yourself, such as taking a break to read or spend time alone or do something enjoyable or nice for yourself is portrayed as selfishness. Because you are not out there busting your tail, making yourself unhappy, cranky, and eventually crazy all for the sake of someone else's happiness, you are not doing what is right. I am not saying that we should wholly live our lives for ourselves, never thinking of others, but it is evident that if we don't take care of ourselves there is NO WAY we can adequately take care of others.

I wonder what God is thinking when he sees us making ourselves so busy, leaving no room for Him or for ourselves.

If I can't even hear my own voice, how am I supposed to hear God's?


I found God today in that: I have got to STOP being so busy, even when it isn't convenient.

Seeds

I hate that I leave God out.
And I hate even more that I do it SO often.

At school, I make sure all the kids are included. If I see a kid getting left out, I do not allow it. There is this one kid, Randall, who has Cerebral Palsy. These two other little rambunctious boys like to pick on him. They let him "play" with them, only if he'll take the parts they don't want. More than twice a day, every day, Randall will come up to me, on the verge of tears, and list off some way they are leaving him out.

And yet, there are SO many times, TOO many times that I come to the realization that I have completely left God out. I make plans, take things into my own hands, and go my own way, stubbornly and with full force. It is only after, when I'm sitting in the floor like a child with paint all around me and all over me and my hands, figuratively speaking, that I look up and out of my own world. And I get so mad at myself! God, I'm so sorry! Why do I always do this?! is what I always end up saying.

I don't know why I do it. Like Paul in Romans, I do what I don't want to do and don't do what I want to do (Romans 7:19). And it really is the most frustrating thing in the world.

I don't think there's a band-aid fix to it, either. Patience and diligence I would think.
I have this prayer written in the front of my bible called the Mertonian Prayer and I think it has at least one point right:

"But I believe that the desire to please you does, in fact, please you."

I mean, I know faith without deeds is dead (James 2:26), but maybe it's a start...



I found God today in that: He always finds me

Faithful

Sometimes it's just hard, ya know? Some days it gets hard to roll out of bed, let alone combat all the evils of this world. But the important thing is that I DO get out of bed. That I DO try. Some days it's really difficult to find that silver lining, especially in my job. But today was a day worth painting. The beauty of God was everywhere. Anyway, I'm devoid of any other words but this. So I'll let Brooke Fraser do the talking. Go buy her album.

Faithful
There's distance in the air and I cannot make it leave
Iwave my arms' round about me and blow with all my might
I cannot sense you close, though I know you're always here
But the comfort of you near is what I long for

When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear every word I pray
And I want you more than I want to live another day
And as I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful

All the folly of the past, though I know it is undone
I still feel the guilty one, still trying to make it right
So I whisper soft your name, let it roll around my tongue,
knowing you're the only one who knows me
You know me

Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk
I count this world as loss to me
You are all I want
You are all I want

I found God today in: remaining faithful