Thanksgiving came shortly after that. While at school, as a sort of self-defense, I had become numb. That's the only way I know how to explain it. I built walls, shut my true self out, and just got through things. The life I once lived had been stifled out of me, and I couldn't even see it. But when I was away, when I was at home, I couldn't hide anymore. The walls were broken and my true self was exposed. And it was not pretty. I was desolate. I was devastated. The light was gone from my eyes and from my heart, and I hadn't the slightest idea how to get it back. Or how to get it in the first place. That week seems like a blur to me. I refuse to look back in my prayer journal and regular journal to get input on that week, so I'm just going by what I can remember about the way things were. (Negativity can just stay squished in between those pages). Once I was back at school, I just held onto the fact that I only had about a week until Christmas break. Well, got through all my exams, and finally got to Christmas break. The feelings that I was really surprised to meet during Thanksgiving only came on stronger during Christmas. I was forced to let my feelings come to the surface, and it was scary. Scary what I knew all along, and scary of what I had never been aware of. I tried to take a step back, almost just step out of my life and unlearn everything I had tried to learn about God the whole semester. Maybe even my whole life. Thoughts of where I was, where I was going, where I wanted to be, and where I wanted to go would not leave me alone. It would take me hours to go to sleep and even when I did fall asleep, I woke up every few hours.

Eventually, I think the light broke through. After a very difficult car ride, where I thought my heart was literally breaking, and one very scary prayer on the bathroom floor, I think the light hit me. Uncontrollably and all consumingly hit me. I just didn't know it quite yet...