The Journey, Part 1

First of all, thank you for reading! I am exicted!

Secondly, I sincerely hope you are able to follow what I say. I am an excitable person and have a tendency to jump around from thought to thought; therefore, my thoughts aren't always "followable(?)"

Thirdly, I am not writing this to make you happy. I am on a search to find the One, true, living God, the One who loves me, every day. It's for me.

AND lastly, I hope this post isn't cheating cause I have actually felt/thought of this late Tuesday night :)

I've had this thing. This thing on my heart for about 2 months now. You see, there's this situation in my life that I have not given up. Which, by the way, is THE most difficult thing I have ever had to learn. To "give things up to God." I mean, what does that really even mean? For me, it means to quit trying to be a "fixer." I think it can be different for everyone, but I am seriously independent. I have this flawed idea that I can handle things on my own, that I don't need help, and that I am here to help OTHERS, but certainly not receive it. That would be silly, right? WRONG. I stumbled upon 2 Corinthians 12:1-10 again last night. See, Paul had this "thorn," and "three different times [he] begged the Lord to take it away." And I love how Jesus responds. He doesn't tell Paul it will be over soon, he doesn't tell him to stay strong, to hold on, that it will get better. He doesn't ever say he will take it away, nor does he say he will make it remain. He simply, but powerfully, says "each" time that "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." Wowee.

So, back to this thing. I have felt, especially lately, that God is telling me to let it go. I think before maybe He was whispering it to me? Or maybe not, maybe I just haven't been truly listening, but now it's getting more frequent, and less easy to ignore. I just feel the need to let it go, to stop holding onto this thing that has consumed me. That I have grown to love and have let consume me. And due to a particular situation concerning this "thing" tonight, which technically IS wednesday, it became clear as mud. I felt it again. (Because I've heard people say they actually hear God's voice, which makes me jealous, but I don't know how anything could find room in my brain. So generally it's a feeling for me.) Stop. Let it go. That's Enough. You have (tried) to travel this road long enough. You are tired, downtrodden, beaten, and "tears blur your eyes."


I found God today in that: He is holding my hand as I take the long road of recovery, healing, and acceptance of who He created me to be. Today.