Yesterday

I blink hard against the glass lenses of my black framed glasses, one eye watering and both burning, as if each has its own personal campfire behind my pupils.

I don't possibly know how to love You more,

I think to myself as I stare out of the antique windows of Midnight Oil, ones that capture and contain every small whisper uttered over a Fred. For one brief instant, my mind sets down its weapons to recall the story of Jesus in the desert. He had just received confirmation at His baptism as Heaven ripped open, declaring that He was, in fact, the Beloved Son. And now, He was dusting the dirt of a desert, physically and spiritually, off of His worn sandals.
I can't help but wonder why, taking some kind of twisted comfort in the fact that even Jesus endured trials from the One who He had been told, and believed, was supposed to love Him the most.

I don't know how to love You any more than I already do.

Slowly, the memory fades, bringing me back to my empty plate and mug rimmed with foamy remains, resting on the table in front of me. I reach for my red journal, small, yet full of loaded words and questions; ones I hope lift off the page to the One above. I pull the elastic band off, now stretched twice its original size, glancing at the frayed tassel marking my place.

A thousand words, accusations, and questions come to mind, but all my pen will allow me to write is one sentence:

You must be doing something good for me to be hurting this much.

I heard one time that when we endure trials, Abba wants so badly to intervene, to take it all away. But usually, He doesn't. Yesterday, that was not ok with me. And it wasn't until 9:30 last night that I even realized what the real problem is.
I am not complete in anyone or anything else.
And i try my hardest to be. I run away from Abba like daily. But every single time He brings me back to Him. And it is not easy. But is is necessary; not for His sake, BUT FOR MINE. Which blows my mind. Because in the middle of a storm when I am hurting soo badly, angry at Him for "not showing up," He is showing up more than I can even fathom.