burnout

BURNT-OUT (adj): exhausted as a result of longtime stress.

It has been a hard year.
Situations like this are difficult. Because no matter how good one may be with words, no word can envelop the pain, joy, hurt, or expression of any kind that a word attempts to describe.
But that doesn't keep me from trying. Usually.
More times than not, I am silent. Silent through the frustration of knowing that words can't describe. Frustration at knowing that even if they could, people don't understand. People don't want to understand. I'm not supposed to write. Certainly not about what's going on.

But right now, I am showing all the symptoms of burn out.
I am tired of people taking from me.
I am tired of giving, receiving nothing in return.
I am tired of suffering.
I am tired of others suffering.
I am tired of physical pain.
I am tired of being tired.
And these things shut me down. They cause me to coil up. It is out of self-defense. Not letting people in by default doesn't allow them to take from me.

And as I sit at a small table in the corner of Midnight Oil, I know all these things to be true. I feel them more intensely than I ever have. But I also know that these feelings do nothing. They are not profitable for me, for others, for God. And right now, they wont go away. And I know that people can't possibly understand, completely. And that's ok.

Because I sit and reacquaint myself with the overwhelming blood of Jesus. That even though I sometimes get irritable at the madness around me, the hurt around me, JESUS HAS OVERCOME. And tears fill my chocolate eyes, rimming my eyelashes. Sometimes, I run from Him. Sometimes I forget to believe Him. But He doesn't run from me. He doesn't forget to believe in me. And He never will.