Easter

Jesus has overcome, the grave is overwhelmed.

the grave. . .

adultery
pornography
self-doubt
self-pity
insecurities
disappointment
promiscuity
alcoholism
drugs
abuse
neglect
broken hearts
suicide
life.

there's a peace I've come to know though my heart and flesh may fail...

sometimes

i am overwhelmingly GRIEVED by the actions of the church.

"We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that He has already thrown open His door to us! We find ourselves standing where He always hoped we might stand-out in the wide open spaces of God's grace and glory. Standing tall and shouting out praise!"
Romans 5:2

$2300

$2300.

I could probably plant a tree just from the amount of letters I get from Harding telling me my payments are due. Yes, I know it's their job, but those letters aren't making the payments come any faster. You see, my mom is a secretary at Lipscomb University in the counseling center. She is one of the hardest working women I know, but the fact is, secretaries don't make much money (I equate their jobs to those of teachers-overworked, underpaid). My dad. Now, I could write a book on him. I love my dad more than really anyone on the planet. He is so much like me and so much of who I want to be. He too works himself to the bone. He has two jobs and works seven days a week. But more than that, he is a landscaper. The hot sun beats down on him, draining his energy, as he does all the things that no body really ever wants to do. And I attend a Christian university. One that I am proud, honored, and excited to be attending, but one that costs a LOT of money.

$2300

I have had a financial hold on my account at least twice that I can remember, but never this much before. The spring is difficult. There are a lot of things to be paid for. Besides all that I listed above about my parents, my younger sister attends a private high school (careful before you criticize) and my dad's job relies solely on the weather. If you know anything about Nashville weather, you know that it is unpredictable, to say the least. One day it could be freezing, the next, 75 degrees. That makes it extremely difficult to maintain a job.
I have said all this to say: we owed a lot of money. $2300 to be exact, and I wasn't going to be able to register for classes. My parents attempted to put my mind at ease, saying that I would just have to register late, that it would be ok. But what they didn't know, was that it wasn't with me. I love Harding, but I love my parents and I can't bear the thought of the pain in my dad's heart because he feels like he can't provide. So I was going to leave. I was just going to go back home and take classes in Nashville for a semester.

But the power of the Almighty was working on different plan.

I had sat at His feet many times, BEGGING for a way to pay. Mostly because I didn't want to hear the pain in my dad's voice anymore. I didn't want to receive another text from my mom saying "we managed to scrape up $80 that we're going to put towards Harding."
So I kept praying. I kept fasting. I kept telling my community that I needed their prayers. And I kept trying to keep my faith strong, keep my heart from any moment of doubt. But it was becoming difficult as the days drew nearer to Monday, the day I was supposed to register for classes. My anguish was evident and my heart was weary.
Monday rolls around, and I am doing my best to keep my chin up. I knew that God had a plan, but of what? I went to check my mail after lunch and nearly fell out when I received (yet another) letter saying the hold on my account was about $2300 (I thought it was more like $2100). Walking back to my dorm, I was angry.

Until I checked my phone.

"The hold is removed from your business office. Anonymous payment was made-you have $165 left to pay."



And He has still left me nearly speechless, in awe, completely enraptured by His power.

i have so many thoughts coming.

I am a Tree

Something that I have always had trouble with is relinquishing control. I am very much a do-it-yourselfer. The way I see it, if I do it, I know it will get done. I have an independent streak a mile long. But this is not the way of God. And it's honestly ironic, because the idea of giving up this control, of never bothering with it because Someone greater, wiser, bigger, is taking care of it, is so beautiful to me. I love that. Because I've seen Him prove it to be true. But there are days that it is so difficult to remember that Truth. To remember that it is nearly commanded for me NOT to grasp for control.

I wear a necklace every day that is a tree. I've gotten a lot of questions about it, and my response is always the same. Originally, I bought it because of the song How He Loves by David Crowder Band, or others, depending. The lyrics I love from the song, the reason I bought it, are:

He is jealous for me.

Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree.

Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.

But this morning, it developed a whole new meaning. I was in the library rather than Midnight Oil, and as I was thinking about this whole control thing, I looked out the window at some naked trees; probably cold, too. Immediately, a thought sparked: "just like those trees." Trees have no control whatsoever. They are planted without being asked. Watered, hugged, sat on, climbed up, broken, neglected, and gazed upon; all without consent. They have no control, yet they grow to be huge beauties, providing shade and comfort. I realize that a tree is not a human, but that tree gives up all control to something, Someone, greater than itself, without hesitating.
I [want to be like] a tree.

This morning I woke up and my mind was already reeling. Sometimes I have days like this, and I'm really unsure why. Before, I would cave into my self-attacking thoughts, but Abba has brought me so far on this journey. And this morning, He provided again.

In my house church on Wednesday nights, we are reading Jesus Wants to Save Christians, by Rob Bell. We usually read a chapter a week, and last night's chapter revolved around basically what we, as Americans, are doing with the resources we have. It wasn't until this morning that it bothered me, though. I am very much a person of action. I hate "talk." If you aren't going to back up your words with actions, don't say them to me. I will have more respect for you if you don't. And this morning, Satan was planting thoughts into my head of insignificance. He was helping me feel extremely guilty, coming face to face with all the things I don't do. I don't give enough money, I don't sacrifice enough, I don't spend enough time doing fill-in-the-blank. But the calming Spirit of Christ overwhelmed as He put these thoughts into my head:

"I desire mercy, not sacrifice." Matthew 10. This particular passage is talking about Jesus' relationship with sinners and those who think they're righteous, but I feel like it similarly applies to the false concept of works that I often have.

Hosea 6:6:
"I want you to show love, not offer sacrifices.
I want you to know Me more than I want burnt offerings."
This passage wrapped my heart in peace. I'm not trying to negate the importance of works; however, I AM trying to negate the burdens that come with "not doing enough." We will never be enough. That's the beauty of it.

Lastly, I was brought to the story of Mary and Martha. I'm just going to write it. You read it. You come to know it. You take from it what it means to you.

"As Jesus and the disciples continued on their way to Jerusalem, they came to a certain village where a woman named Martha welcomed him into her home. Her sister, Mary, sat at the Lord’s feet, listening to what he taught. But Martha was distracted by the big dinner she was preparing. She came to Jesus and said, “Lord, doesn’t it seem unfair to you that my sister just sits here while I do all the work? Tell her to come and help me.”

But the Lord said to her, 'My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details! There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her.'" Luke 10:38-42

Take heart. Let your works bring honor to Him and for no other reason. He chose us WHILE WE WERE STILL SINNERS.