I sit on my bed, cross-legged, rocking back and forth.
The sleep I couldn't quite obtain taunts me from my pillows, leaving its telling shadows under my eyes.
"He is doing something, He is doing something,"'
I whisper to the ceiling, blinking as a hummingbird bats its wings, as if one tear will melt my entire frame.
Closing my eyes, I imagine deep red, gray, and black smoke, billowing around me, the kind that escalates from a freshly extinguished candle or a Native American's fire.
They surround me now, encircling my position on the bed. I don't move, don't dare to ask them away.
My spirit is still.
Somewhere there's light.
Somewhere, I know this isn't life.
That these colors, although consuming my retinas, are easily turned into pinks and whites.

Instantly, a small, wet tear trickles down my weary, viciously rubbed cheek.

I am learning to let God be my love, not let love be my god.

digest this while I get the words.

In the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus knew exactly what was coming.
In that moment, He knew that He had a faithful, loving Father, of whom He was fighting for on the earth. He in fact came to Earth, I believe, knowing that He was going to severely suffer, and then in the end, die.
He had encircled Himself with men who wanted to love Him and follow Him and had stood by Him.
But in that moment, I think He felt alone.
His friends were asleep and Satan seemed closer than His Father.
In the midst of His complete knowledge of God's love and provision, He asked for it to all go away. His cup was brimming over with no saucer to catch the overflow.
He knew it was necessary.
That ultimately, it was for the best.
But He was weary and burdened and wanted another way out.

But because of His patient suffering, I have life.

Jesus, please come quickly.

Don't put your trust in walls 'cause walls will only crush you when they fall.

-Ray LaMontagne

“Increase our faith!”

Even though the fig trees have no blossoms,
and there are no grapes on the vines;
even though the olive crop fails,
and the fields lie empty and barren;
even though the flocks die in the fields,
and the cattle barns are empty,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord!
I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!
The Sovereign Lord is my strength!
He makes me as surefooted as a deer,
able to tread upon the heights.
Habakkuk 3.17-19

After my run this morning, I needed encouragement. I woke up at an earlier time to go out and refocus on my Savior. Sometimes when I get out of my devotional routine by coming home for a week or getting abnormally busy, my relationship with God suffers. So, while I was out, Abba and I talked a lot. Well, I mostly talked while He comforted. My plate is full lately, but today's worry was money for Honduras. See, I'm going to Honduras over spring break and I have to raise more money then I think I've ever been in possession of. And it's enough to drive a person crazy, especially when my funds are lying in the hands of other people. In reality, and what we talked about this morning, was that IT DOESN'T. Ok, yes, I know this. I know that God is the giver of all life and provides for me just as He provides for the birds; in fact, more so. But this all too common thought is really hard to transfer to my heart. It becomes hard not to doubt when the funds are not coming and the trip seems impossible. Even though I can look back on my life and SEE the abundant provision and beauty that He has made out of a mess, Satan seeps in all too often.

But perhaps the most frustrating thing about it all is not believing that He is faithful, but determining HOW to believe that He is such. Because believe me, I have spoken now meaningless words of trust in full faith; yet, here I am, struggling with doubt. I know He knows that I am a frail human, made from dust. That my thoughts are nothing like His and that my understanding leads me astray (Isaiah 55.8, Proverbs 3.5-6), but I forget that allllll the time.

I don't really have a conclusion to this particular ramble. Perhaps it's just a way for me to confess my doubt and keep myself accountable through the internet (hah!) to let Abba increase my faith.

love

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself."
(found in various places, but this is from Luke 10.27)

Abba is teaching me lots lots lots about love lately. Love has always come easily to me (for the most part), but He is teaching me about hard love now. Growing up, I didn't struggle that much with loving those who had personally done something wrong towards me (last year excluded...). I still talk to the boyfriend who cheated on me. I still talk to the guy who turned my world absolutely upside down. I still talk to the people who betrayed me. I don't like to just dismiss people when the world tells me I should. I don't say that at all to boast in my accomplishments, though, because with more love that is poured into my heart, I realize that it is NOT of me. The only reason I can be that way is because God made and makes me that way and I want to make that crystal clear before going any further.

But a part of love I do struggle with is loving without fear or expectations. Because I don't contain perfect love that expels all fear (1 John 4.18), I have a hard time not getting hurt.
I have been dealing with a situation lately with a person that needs a lot of love. This person is really struggling and because of that, he doesn't know how to act towards others. In fact, he tends to act in really bad ways, making him known for negative things. I know that that is not him. I know that he has had bad experiences that make him act that way. And I know it's all because he is scared.
But that is scary to ME. It is scary to try to love someone who is so unpredictable. It is crazy and hard to love someone who could at any moment turn on me and portray this bad behavior because that means that I am putting myself out there. That I am laying my heart on the line and that means I will probably and have already been hurt. And I'm tired of getting hurt.

But the more I dwell and worry on that, the more Jesus tells me that that's exactly as it should be. I think back over His words and realize that never once did he say that I should definitely love His people with all my heart, but only if my own behind is covered. ONLY if I wont get hurt or betrayed or slandered. He is the example by which we live, yes? And he loved prostitutes, liars, murderers, adulterers, and those who were deceptive.
In fact, he was murdered for them.

So what gives me, or anyone else, the right to hold back love? To be fearful of treating this person as I would want someone to treat me. After all, I receive my worth and my love and well-being from the ONE who's presence can never ever be taken from me (Psalm 139). John 15.13 says that there is NO GREATER LOVE than to lay down my life for my friends. For a long time I thought that meant literally laying down my life. But now, I know that that means giving up my fears, desires, and most importantly, love.

Individual Will of God, parte dos

Still gathering more thoughts...

I don't believe that God would just "throw" His people on His earth with simply a "sovereign will" and a "moral will." Meaning, I don't think I serve a God who has an ultimate plan for the earth and the destination of its inhabitants and who tells every person how not to act, basically, without being more intimate with us. Would you want to serve a God like that? 1 Peter 5.7 is where Peter is talking to the elders and "young men." He tells them to give all their worries and cares to God. This suggests that God knows us on a personal level, more so than just deciding where we will spend eternity and telling us how to act. Luke 12.6-7 is where Luke (?) is telling the crowds (more or less) look, you know how much sparrows cost? Next to nothing-and yet God doesn't forget ANY ONE of them. Every hair on your head is numbered. If God doesn't have a personal relationship with us, if He's not on a personal level, then He wouldn't care about how much hair I have.

I would love for someone to do my homework for me. Write all these silly papers and take all these ridiculous tests. Why? Because it's not easy. It's not fun, and sometimes, I don't want to work hard to do my own stuff. Sure, I become more educated, patient, and perhaps even more important to society when I do, but that doesn't make the work more fun and it certainly doesn't take it away.

Here's what I think. Before you read this, realize that this is what I THINK. Everything's a work in progress, so don't stone me yet. I picture God saying to me:

Allison, I love you. I look at you longingly, awaiting the day when you can be complete, and with me. I am jealous for you, hurt when you put other things and other people in front of me, the I AM. I know life on earth is difficult and I know you are trying your hardest. I am well pleased. Know that I am guiding you, but I will not tell you exactly what to do. I will not give you every answer, although I could. Why? Because I love you enough not to. In order for you to be perfect and complete, you must face things on your own sometimes. Don't be fooled and don't lose sight, though. I am holding your hand always, and I am continually guiding you down my glorious path, whether you feel it or not. So after you suffer for a little while, I will restore, support, and strengthen you, placing you on a firm foundation. Take heart, I have overcome the world.